zachary guitars - because you can't spell "self-important asshole" without self-important asshole

this
is
amazing

http://zacharyguitars.com/

All the best stuff is right here in the Z World. You have the whole system now starting of course with a Z guitar, ZOG strings, Z pedal, Z stand and Z pick. Of course all these Z offerings are superior in performance to the abilities of any player out there but the good news is that you can work hard and aspire to get better and pay the Z gear justice eventually. You have no excuse to not kick ass on a guitar. You know very well where the innovations and the revolution happens in guitar gear; its right here at Zachary Guitars. Its where I kick the ass of anyone in creativity, knowledge, passion, talent and dedication and guess what; you reap the benefits. Sounds like a great deal to me. Let's make it happen and kick some ass.

Also released at the same time is another unbelievable piece of gear, the very high tech and totally revolutionary Zachary Carbon picks. You have not seen or used anything like it. Never buy another pick again, you don't need to. Never use any other pick, unless you're retarded. The Z-Carbon material is similar to diamond in molecular structure. Diamond is the hardest material in the world and this Z-Carbon is close to diamonds.

You have seen ads by a certain boutique amp company which reads "The Pedal Killer", well then in reverse the Tone Lube is the "Amp Killer". Join the Amp Killing Tone Lube with a Pedal Killer Amp and what do you get? I am certain you will get the best tone you ever heard. Unless of course you are a snot nose kid with a nipple ring at a skateboard park, who just bought a Chinese 8 string guitar for $199 and wants to scare people with demonic riffs of muddy horrible noise resulting from atrociously unbalanced under-tensioned strings. Don't get me started, that's a different discussion for a different time. From Clapton to Crapton in one generation. What a shameful regression in culture, knowledge and talent. Enough to get you totally depressed if you are anyone over the age of 30. I hope baby boomers live forever, just to keep traditional guitar playing alive, otherwise real guitar players are an endangered species with a disappearing habitat.

Don't tell me you didn't realize that you were sounding like a shit when dropping your low E tuning to D? Especially when using a conventional string set. Did you ever wonder why? What the hell were you using for that low D anyway? Were you mindlessly following your idiot heavy metal guitar heroes. Remember those slobs with all the tattoos and piercings are nothing more than uneducated fools. Did you actually think you were sounding mean with your sloppy sound? With conventional strings for a drop D, all you have is a muddy and weak tone, which is not cool at all. Well, now its time to give your head a shake and smoke less dope. Here is your chance to redeem yourself. Get the ZOG set specifically Tension Optimized for drop D tuning. Guess what? Your guitar will actually work. Guitars do not work if the tension of the strings are not correct to produce a certain pitch of note. Does that make sense to you? Is that too hard to understand? When using ZOG Optimized drop D strings, your intonation will also be good for the first time. If you don't have enough tension on a string, you don't have any intonation to speak of either. Now you will finally get a strong healthy note when playing on that low D string. Amazing!!!
Your dick might me nothing more than a limp noodle but that does not mean your low D string has to be. Get your shit together and tell your metal heroes, you are smarter than they are. You have been Zeducated.

i might have to move this to ile because omg it is a wealth of riches

http://www.zacharyguitars.com/Simcox_13.jpg

i might love this dude if it weren't for his full-blown hatred of "the asians" and naming his strig sets ZOG

waht

Zachary Guitars
Peep Show - FREE
- SHOCK and AWE - XXX Hardcore Guitar Porn
See all the Girls Nude in every position
PICS, PICS, PICS, PICS, PICS, PICS, and more Pics
New girls added regularly
A portfolio of almost every Zachary Guitar made
- to see all the Pics, just click on the serial number of each guitar

Made in USA - including the circuit board and completely hand assembled entirely by only legal American citizens on American soil. No third world child slave labor has touched this pedal.
Sounds funny and extreme but an anomaly these days and sadly no longer aspired to. Everyone's vote counts in liberal America. Still got your job?

fella is a charmer. also completely fucking insane.

zeducated. zeducated????

Your dick might me nothing more than a limp noodle but that does not mean your low D string has to be.

if this board didn't already have a perfect description this would be it

wait waht happened to guitar thru bass amp

The Z-Carbon material is similar to diamond in molecular structure. Diamond is the hardest material in the world and this Z-Carbon is close to diamonds.

This is just so stupid.

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win, then you buy a bitchin' guitar from the Z man." - Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

Z man, it's like the complete opposite of the A Team.

If you are sick of your plastic PRS and feel ashamed of yourself for being such an idiot, this could be your chance to be born again.

Do not confuse w/ Zachary Vex, who is not an asshole and makes lovely pedals.

Didn't realize you sounded like shit
when dropping your low E to D?
Your dick may be a limp noodle,
your low D string need not be.

GET ZEDUCATED

Meanwhile his mother, priestess in gold lamé,
precedes him to the quondam theater
now Z World Temple of the Kick Ass Tone,
where the bored, the sick, the alien, the tired
await euphoria. With deadly vigor
she prepares the way for mystery
and lucre. Shouts in blues-contralto, ”He’s
God’s amp killer of all-redeeming truth.
Oh he’s the holyweight champeen who’s come
to give the knockout lick to your bad tone;
say he’s the holyweight champeen who’s here
to deal a knockout punch to your drop D.“

http://zacharyguitars.com/Simcox30.JPG
do you want to look this cool?

so you actually need to send him a video of you playing guitar before you're allowed to buy one

ok what?

tasty licks

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSijpUVK6Y4&feature=related

This dude makes me want to go buy a bunch of Behringer shit out of spite.

dweety dweety dweet! dweoot dwoot dwoot! dwoot! dweet! DWEET!

You must QUALIFY first. That's Right ... QUALIFY!
Would you expect anything less when wanting to own the best electric guitar in the world.

Anyone can buy a Zachary Guitar, however you need to follow the procedure to qualify. Its very simple actually. You need to send me a video of yourself playing the guitar. Just a simple video of you sitting in a chair playing. Sound quality is of no concern. I will then forward this video to the Z Committee - the inner circle - (a group of dedicated Z guitar owners), who will decide whether or not a Z guitar is right for you or if you even need a Zachary Guitar.

Your playing ability and technique is not the most important consideration and not the deciding factor. Its a combination of many factors. I do however want to be sure that you will be able to actually use a Zachary guitar. No reason for you to buy a Zachary guitar if you cannot use or appreciate one. That will not make either one of us happy. I want to save you the hassle of buying something you will not need or be able to really use.

If you have a problem with this or know in your heart that you don't qualify for a Zachary guitar, then just go to your local guitar boutique and they will be more than happy to take your credit card. All they want is your money. Just like any prostitute, they will get down on their knees, perform their service without any emotion towards you. A totally impersonal and shallow transaction based on mutual self interest. ... I will offer you a lot more and in exchange I am interested in knowing what's in your soul.

Remember a Zachary guitar is NOT a retail/consumer transaction. You actually have to work for it, like anything great in life.

However, don't worry, the criteria are actually not that high and very fair.

Just like any prostitute, they will get down on their knees, perform their service without any emotion towards you.

Jaw literally dropped there.

Guitar Gods coming up. I am sure they are standing in a long line wanting a bit of money, regardless of what the hell the product is. I sure hate endorsers. How can anyone respect an endorser? They are nothing more than prostitutes. If it involves giving Bob Taylor a blow, they will even do that. So let's see who the first cheap slut will be. Guitar god or blowboy, its one in the same.

I just have one piece of advice for Bob Taylor. Make sure you don't vote for Hillary Clinton. She will take away your personal ownership and redistribute your considerable wealth fairly among all the people. This is bad news for all the fraudulent hippies out there from the 60s who turned into capitalists. ...In the meantime we will see another computer/machine made plastic guitar hanging in better music stores around the world. Alex

it may shock you to learn that this guy is kind of weird about women xp

Dec.10, 2001
Take a look and read this e-mail I received just a few days ago.

Hi Zach,
My name is Randy Anderson I'm 43 and I'm a brother in Christ. A while back I was praying so hard and earnestly for a PRS to use in my fledgling music ministry and God just would not answer until now. I had just moved to California and my first week here led a prostitute and a drunkard in the sinners prayer. I was really out there bringing folks to Jesus. Than after no sign of a PRS I fell into a great depression. It runs in my family as well as anxiety disorders and suicide. I've been hospitalized twice for suicide attempts.

I am doing better now and anxious to continue with my ministry. Since the last part of Sept. I've gotten eight people to pray the sinners prayer with me and accept Christ. The guitar has been a door opener to talking with young people about Jesus.

I am on disability for Major Depressive Disorder And Generalized Anxiety Disorder. One of your guitars would be three months income for me. So I'm begging you Zach If their is anyway you could donate one of your improved versions of a PRS, it would be such a blessing. It would help me emotionally so very much with my depression and not having those suicidal thoughts. ( I have a 4 year old beautiful daughter) I would much rather have a guitar built by God than made by Satan's machines. You have no idea how many souls this guitar would bring to the Lord where they belong instead of being claimed by the Devil where they don't belong.

Zach, please pray and I hope God's answer is that you could do this for me. I know it's asking a lot. Can you put a price on one soul not ending up in hell? Sincerely, Randy

Since I am the most soft hearted guy around, this story almost broke my heart. I had already packed up one of my nicest guitars ready to ship it to this poor soul in need. After all "how can I put a price on one soul not ending up in hell"?

I decided to ask a friend who is very religious himself (he is a devout atheist).

Here is what he suggested I do:

Pick any one of the following:
a) Tell him to write the pope, as he's got enough money to afford one;
b) Tell him to pray harder, and guitars will raineth from heaven;
c) Tell him to go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

Actually this is all your own fault for claiming your guitars are built by god! Now god is coming to collect his cut for being used in your advertising! This guy is just his sleazeball agent.
Bob

Now I really don't know what to do. I am ready to give away any of my guitars for free as long as it will bring many souls to the Lord, instead of being claimed by the Devil. I also like it when someone would much rather have a guitar built by God than one made by Satan's machines.

What should I do???

Nov. 9, 2001
With talent on loan from God or at least Rush Limbaugh, I finished building my first Z2 tremolo guitar. I have been playing it every night and the thing is hot. Perfect tuning and its a real firebreather. Its a trick guitar. I find it very hard to play any real tunes on it. I am constantly tempted to shred and tap and do dive bombs. The finish is mesmerizing. It kind of looks like a candy apple. I want to take a bite out of it. That would be a neat trick. Taking bites out of your guitar as you play it on stage. Well check out my latest creation and in a few days I will have some more text on that page.
Someone had the bright idea that I should sell my guitars through music stores. Do you think they would have anything to do with me? Its a scary thought seeing my guitars on display at a music store being fondled by every Tom, Dick and Harry. Kind of like seeing your daughter as a prostitute on a street corner. Do these guitars belong in music stores? What the hell, I may try it for a laugh. Guitar gurus will probably tell me they are unmarketable. What do you think?

If money were no object I'd become the biggest collector of his "guitars", and every year I'd host a huge party where every guest gets to smash one to smithereens and throw it on the enormous fire built entirely out of his high priced firewood. Personally , I'd like to "earn" one of his guitars by smashing his head in with one!
Walpole, Ma. - Jeff 'Houndog' Porter - part time tinkerer/full time guitar chat room poster

Wow. This is insane but I have to say that Seth Josel's Zachary guitar does sound pretty fucking great.

I would much rather have a guitar built by God than made by Satan's machines.

who wants a guitar that can only play Pachelbel's Canon in D?

all of these guitars are so ugly

"oh ha ha jjj dug up a geocities page from 1998 and LOLWUT"

Latest Z News
August 3. 2012

this website is very instructive to me

I think you mean that the Z site is very Z-structive to your Zeducation.

http://www.zacharyguitars.com/Look_kiss.gif
Here you have it, some perfectly morally acceptable video files of Zachary Guitars in Action.

dude "small batches" his Z pedals like they're whiskey

whoa

http://www.zacharyguitars.com/Ianeke.htm

Is Zachary the keymaster? She is the gatekeeper.

Back and in full effect with the skank amp

http://www.zacharyguitars.com/Skank.htm

These amps are truly amazing. We now have it finalized and it even looks so cool with the silk screened graphics, Oak hardwood sides and in its own custom shoulder case. Production is happening right now and the SKANK is shipping worldwide. The first batch has been sent to waiting players. Most of who are Z players. The great news for most of you is that you don't need to qualify to buy a SKANK, as you do for a Zachary guitar. You can be the biggest schmuck in the world and still be able to buy a SKANK, no questions asked, I promise Any idiot can buy a SKANK and get their rocks off. Actually, if you are an idiot, you are too stupid to buy a SKANK anyway, so not too many idiots will ever own a SKANK. They will buy something they see massively advertised and hyped by the magazine goofs.

I wish I could find this amusing. Maybe I'm just too tired, but this guy's whole worldview seems very saddo to me right now. I was happier before I knew he existed.

Sorry man, sometimes reveling in the awfulness of the deep dark side of guitar culture is all that sustains me.

No fault of yours. I clicked. I read. Jesus wept.

I mean

I want it to blow away other amps costing triple the amount. I want to laugh at the sales goofs in music stores, which I do every chance I get. I want to make the music store owner feel like the idiot that he is when he is trying to hype up some heavily advertised BS product plastered in all the guitar mags with lying endorsers. Now I am really digressing, but you get the idea what motivates me. I hate them all.

I'm still trying to figure out the mindset that generates thoughts like "I shall create the greatest amp in the world, and I shall call it... THE SKANK"

'straight skank without pedal'