Firework Fun!!!

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This years Guy Fawkes night promises to have the most spectacular fireworks yet thanks to the introduction of the Gawky Fuse as sponsored by “Yew Fags UK”

The new and sophisticated system of ignition has allowed certain laws to be slackened allowing for ever more impressive fireworks all perfectly safe while under the influence of a bottle or two “Bombay S” as it would surely be called. And so I bring you the official...

YEW FAGS UK --- Bumper Firework Pack Extravaganza with Added Anagram Fun Addition Edition.

INSTRUCTIONS AND CONTENTS.

1. Always remember. Safety First. But we’ll come to that later.

2. Stock up on booze and class A’s, there is nothing worse than a display without that fun'n'fear factor.

3. Don’t forget to use the enclosed close proximity magnifying glass to check up on your Gawky Fuse.

4. Children make excellent spark shields. Especially those with aesthetic potential.

5. And most importantly of all, keep all your pets in draws.

CONTENTS.

The "Norman Decal" -

A bombastic rocketesque style firework especially engineered for the Ormskirk 'posse'. The spirit of Bargie B's Norman has been encapsulated in all the fun of a firework. This one is particularly recommended for indoor use as it decoratively pastes your walls with expensive promotional posters that disappear as quickly as they arrive, all to the soundtrack of a father-son funded jazz balls up.

The "Irate Helen Chew" -

Put your "Workplace relationships are doomed to failure" threads behind you and quicker than you can say 'kwik-save-counter-crawler' you to can experience all the fun of a pissed off woman in your mouth. Simply pop it in ya gob, light that fuse and CHECK it OUT.

The " AI Mr Bob" -

The first firework of its kind with artificial intelligence. Realizing its purpose as merely a pretty murder for your viewing pleasure, AI Mr Bob uses his own initiative to try and escape his impending doom. AI Mr Bob can climb walls, trees, drive boats, drink really nice wine and possibly even steal your girlfriend.

― Robin (RJM), Tuesday, 5 November 2002 10:34 (twenty-three years ago)

Surprise surprise.

Is it Roman Candle? Airbomb? Fragmentation grenade? Weapon of unimaginable terror? Portal to hell? who can tell, you'll soon find out. (aim away from face)

Inverse Firework

When it goes off a micro blackhole momentarily removes all light from the area while special "anti-noise" silencers create a zone of intense silence for a split second.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 5 November 2002 11:58 (twenty-three years ago)

Terrorslag Shame Compounder

Only on sale within a mile radius of Obscurity's John Leslie, these delightful things whizz, pop and spell out one of three messages in the sky with ten foot high letters - "You will never work in Television again", "Forget True Love - Waves of suspicion and fear will trouble each new partner you have until they finally listen to their friends and dump you like the shit you are" and "Kill Leslie, Kill the Shit"

The BNP Ethnicity Skymask

Not a conventional firework of sorts, this tainted perspex shield will turn all sudden flashes of colour into the familiar red, white and blue as opposed to Asian colours, such as yellow, green and Gay colours, such as pink.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Tuesday, 5 November 2002 13:33 (twenty-three years ago)

*In a warbled and extended burst* "Kerblamo" -

Faced with a choice of 7 fuses the MC of the display lights his weapon of choice, sits back and waits for the strings of sparkly catchphrases to ooze out. Alternatively, if this firework is missing from your box, give Jarlr’mai a buzz.

The “Double Anti-Climax” –

Urr..well…personally I fucking loved it ........except for the end.......cos that was shit...............Then it picked up again....then....it just..went...fizz.

The “Panoramic Dynamic Quardraphonic Supersonic Gin’n’Tonic Up Your Bonnet Bonanza”-

Its like a sparkler.

― Robin (RJM), Tuesday, 5 November 2002 13:57 (twenty-three years ago)

The Origami 3rd-Degree Skyslapper

This all purpose firework hovers three feet above your pathetically small suburban patio, waiting to be folded and morphed by you into the shape of your choice. BSA approved.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Tuesday, 5 November 2002 14:38 (twenty-three years ago)

Matts gonna kill you for using his "kerblammo" phrase, well just as soon as I can be arsed fixing his net connection.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 5 November 2002 15:29 (twenty-three years ago)

The Lonnie Donegan, hexagon, mexican, can-can, binman, spick&span, superman San-Fran-tastic skifflelicious wheel of pyro-whooping-bungie-tastic-flaming-death-goth-cubo-batics.

(aim away from face)

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 5 November 2002 15:39 (twenty-three years ago)

Matts gonna kill you for using his "kerblammo" phrase

A catchphrase here, some cranberry juice, cheese, bread, tins and veg there. What’s the difference! We are all friends in here now fuck off!

― Robin (RJM), Tuesday, 5 November 2002 15:49 (twenty-three years ago)

Good point, made well.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 5 November 2002 16:19 (twenty-three years ago)

I thought that this year's public display was being arranged by our American allies in Iraq. They presumably don't have the usual insurance problems. This will also neatly solve a program problem for all those TV channels, preventing yet another showing of Pursuit Crash and Burn 23. Instead the public will be able to watch realtime explosions, which is nice ( unless you were tuned to an Iraqi channel)

― Weebleman (StillSimon), Tuesday, 5 November 2002 19:04 (twenty-three years ago)

Ever get the feeling oyu may know some bitter bitter people?

― Celeste (Celeste), Tuesday, 5 November 2002 23:25 (twenty-three years ago)

Yeha, etll me baout it.

― Robin (RJM), Wednesday, 6 November 2002 08:29 (twenty-three years ago)

If you've got something to say, MacKenzie say it to my fucking Nan.

― Matt (Matt), Saturday, 9 November 2002 02:56 (twenty-three years ago)

I meant face.

― Matt (Matt), Saturday, 9 November 2002 02:56 (twenty-three years ago)

No, on second thoughts, say it to my fucking Nan. You'll be there for hours.

― Matt (Matt), Saturday, 9 November 2002 02:56 (twenty-three years ago)

What was that, dear? It's lovely weather for a display, isn't it? Mind you, it could cloud over later today. I don't know, the man down at the shop said that he wouldn't mind betting it won't stay this sunny for long. I don't know what he means, mind, you never do these days with people. He should know, I suppose, working in the delicatessen. Sausages aren't as big as they used to be. They'll be cooking them all up tonight, on their barbeques. We didn't used to have barbeques, you see, we just cooked them in the stove. It was good enough for us. They stay pink, that way. You can burn the outside. Awful things.

― Nan, Sunday, 10 November 2002 00:50 (twenty-three years ago)

Blimey, Nan's off the pills long enough to use the internet. What a magical thing.

― Matt (Matt), Sunday, 10 November 2002 01:02 (twenty-three years ago)

If Nan's busy with Granpa or whoever, surely it would be rude to interrupt?

― Weebleman (StillSimon), Sunday, 10 November 2002 10:20 (twenty-three years ago)

"THE DELAYED ACTION SURPRISE": May go off a week or more after being lit. When it finally does go off, it buries itself deep underground for a spectacular subterranean display - usually when everyone has gone home and is no longer watching.

― Pete Andrews, Monday, 18 November 2002 15:29 (twenty-three years ago)

I feel dismayed that Nan doesn't think that sausages are as big as they used to be:

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― Pooster (pooster), Tuesday, 19 November 2002 00:14 (twenty-three years ago)

I think that's an acceptable size for a sausage, and I can get them that size at Tesco Metro, even at 5 in the morning. Why???? What were you thinking I meant????

― Pooster (pooster), Tuesday, 19 November 2002 00:17 (twenty-three years ago)

Have you noticed how what used to be a full sized Tesco supermarket when I was a kid is now only fit to be a Tesco Metro nowadays.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 19 November 2002 09:34 (twenty-three years ago)

. . . and it sells more stuff than it used to when it was a plain old Tesco. Maybe they should just open Tesco Tardis and have done with it, small market stalls that sell everything and anything you can think of, including hairlocks, hatpins, copies of Contact on DVD and lifesize replicas of the world's most beloved barges.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Tuesday, 19 November 2002 14:20 (twenty-three years ago)

Sock flags! we need sock flags!

― Robin (RJM), Tuesday, 19 November 2002 14:27 (twenty-three years ago)

Small ones. The larger sizes of sock flag are a drain on the emergency services.

― Pooster (pooster), Tuesday, 19 November 2002 14:53 (twenty-three years ago)

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