Operation : Enduring Shock and Awe

although they may have heard the rumors, i think few iraqi fighting men can really imagine the high quality and sheer numbers of absurdly busty surgically altered young women in and around los angeles. import these to bagdhad in, say, division strength and GWB would inspire shock and and awe on a scale the munitions lads have never dared dreamed.

Getting them there may be a tough job. Maybe they could travel in a huge undulating vagina that can crawl across the desert like one of those worms from Dune. It'd have to be big though.

You'd never be able to purchase a huge undulating vagina at short notice. Where would you get one from? You couldn't really place a "Wanted" advertisement in the Cheltenham Echo (..... or could you?)

Here in Erewhon, huge vaginas are quite common. To find one that "undulates" may pose a problem, given the limited vocabulary of the locals.
I rather like the idea of the giant robot. I think Budweiser would endorse it, thereby saving the Americur taxpayers scads of money.

The Big Bad Bud Bush Bot?

INSTANT APPEAL!!

I can see it now...a 200 ft. tall "Bush 'Bot"!
Like the HUMAN George Bush, it would be controlled by militant Christian fundamentalists.
Ho! Ho! Spewing fire...AND BRIMSTONE!
"This Bomb's for YOU"
I bet those godless Koreans would choke on their dogsteaks.

huge undulating vaginas have never been considered safe transport in desert condition. dessert conditions maybe.

I think you're confusing that with a croquembouche.

Dear Ms Unruly,

In response to your recent double-page feature in Thursday's Gloucestershire Echo, I am willing to share my (hitherto secret) life's work into the development of a super-enormous coelenterate. Until now, I had now obvious use for it, given that, owing to insuperable problems regarding the cloning process, the resultant organism (hereinafter referred to as "Geoffrey") has been plagued with violent nervous aberrations. However, I feel that, given a modicum of further research, certain modifications may well be seen to provide a 'working model' replicating the motions of the aforementioned 'huge undulating vagina'.

Professor J. Pooster
Senior Laboratory Technician/Internal Post Delivery Clerk
Hester's Way Research Institute and Chinese Takeaway
Kingsditch Lane
Cheltenham
Gloucestershire

Dear Professor Pooster,

I am in receipt of and thank you for your prompt reply to my advertisement in last Thursday's Echo and I am delighted to learn of the great strides forward which you and Geoffrey have been making together.

However, I am a smidgeon concerned, viz: there are approximately 9000 species of coelenterates which already exist, and more than 100 of these are toxic to humans.

Before proceeding further with what would I am sure prove to be a mutually beneficial, lucrative and extremely funny project I would need to have your assurances that Geoffrey was indeed harmless. If we are going to end up stuffing thirty-seven of Cheltenham Ladies' College's finest up his jacksie, we need to be certain they will come to no harm. Many of them have access to top legal recourse, and I can't seem to get Public Liability Insurance to cover this sort of thing.

Yours in anticipation,

Ms C J Unruly (no relation)

Dear Ms Unruly

I am unable to deliver this reply to the above, as your house appears to be swathed in a giant undulating vagina. Please remove it at once, so that normal postal services may resume.

Yrs

Your Postman

I still maintain that the best shock and awe weapon would be a missile which stops inches short of its target, and simply hovers there whilst broadcasting loud taunts in a thick Geordie accent.

Dear C J,

I am very sorry to have to impart this news to you, but I just heard that Roger Waters is writing a concept album about Geoffrey. As a result I have had to take him into hiding and I am sincerely afraid for the future of my project. He is a sensitive soul, and didn't much care for the shouting.

I would also like to point out that I am only a professor EMERITUS, which somewhat dilutes the whole scenario (if a scenario can indeed be diluted ... if not, forgive the whole frickin confused metaphor) ... and a professor emeritus of the University of Frodsham to boot. There. The truth is out. I know you will think much the less of me now ... but I hope my efforts to strap a bomb to a remote-controlled Tamiya model airplane (as recently outlined on news.bbc.co.uk) will still stand me in good stead for that Nobel prize.

Much human tenderness,
J

Mister Pooster:

I ordered and subsequently recieved a "Tamiya model airplane."

I must say that I was severely disappointed.

The folding instructions were in Chinese and there was no bomb included.

As for the "remote control"...that silly string wouldn't scare anyone.

Nononononononono, hear me out here ... I have been reading all sorts of "newspapers" recently, and they all seem to be going on about the bane of the soldier's life: the "sniper".

It seems "snipers" are something of a hazard to bona fide invaders of sovereign states, and Something Must Be Done about them.

Originally, I had considered strapping a bunch of Semtex to one of those home blimps as advertised in the Innovations catalogue. You know the ones, those things that carry an ashtray slung under them for particularly stoned individuals, so that they can flick their ash from a supine position. But I figured that they would be too slow in their approach, and the "sniper" would see it coming and, quite literally, pop it. Plus, feeble as it does seem, it wouldn't be much good at getting into occupied building if the windows were glazed with anything other than cobwebs.

The way I see it, with the increased payload a Tamiya model affords (BTW, next time go for something a little higher up the range if you are interested in developing any serious Defender-Busting Technology, is my advice) and a nice run-up at the window, you ought to be able to get that disturbing ginger-haired 16-yr-old lady-boy off of Robot Wars (you know the one) to land the package RIGHT up Ole Saddam's jacksey. It's the closest thing I can think of to bullets that go round corners.

I dunno. Who do you think I am, frickin Barnes Wallace?

As regular readers will no doubt be aware, the efficacy of snipers is largely due to their concealment tactics. These consist largely of, once the target has been acquired and eliminated, putting their hands in their pockets and walking away whilst whistling nonchalantly. This is effective in precisely 100% of cases.

Fact: All snipers are Germans.
Fact: All snipers are in belltowers.
Fact: All snipers have a life expectancy of 126 seconds once a Sherman tank arrives.

As found on www.Googlenot.com

Shockanory, read by Jock Endor

Sioc y'r Dwr: A Welsh Plumber's Tale of Huge Unexplained Explosions in Lake Vyrnwy. (OU, 1978)

Sioc y'r Glyndwr: The same, but set in a second home (Film, 1982. Entirely funded by the Iraqi version of Canal+)

Siau'ghdnureogh: Gaelic for 'fireworks'.

Sock 'n' Door: A 3-minute Channel 4 animation intended for stoned students

Spock and Dur: a spin-off of Star Trek, whereby the most intelligent, intellectual and logical member of the Enterprise crew is lost on a planet of cunning, life-threatening yet inanimate 3-D conundrums with the only other surviving crew member, a quasi-sapient cockroach named X'qwertyD'ur.

Not only Shock .... but also Awe: a willy-inspiring spoof of a Sixties satire show.

Shock and Dec: A light-hearted view of the current Middle-Eastern situation with a popular Geordie spin-off.

Err ... was going to do a lovely drawing of a tin of Boned Grebe .... à la Warhol .... but I had to stop. It was just taking so long, and only my cat was thanking me. So I thought: stop. I don't mind Macromedia Fireworks, but if it's to do something like drawing a semi-photorealistic tin of Grebe ... well, I have to go to sleep now is all. Just imagine that brilliant picture I would have done for you all though! My cat's name is Tweaky, by the way. Ought to have been Twiki, but nobody could spell it right, so I just thought: sod it. Tweaky it is. I imagine that's how you feel right now, having read all of this inconsequential pap.

xxxx Jon

Dammit dammit dammit, I came up with Shockanory and somebody beat me too it. Though my version consists largely of Brian Blessed quietly reading a fairy tale before without warning rearing to his feet and screaming "BANG! YOU LITTLE CUNTS! STILL SITTING COMFORTABLY?" Hmm.

Nice one!
Is the 'Shock and Awe' bit where Brian Blessed reads "quietly"?

Pooster is my official hero of the day. Bless his cotton socks.

Thank you!

Saint Jonathan-of-the-Wilson-socks-which-are-possibly-the-hardest-wearing-best-cotton-rich-socks-in-the-world-(second only to Gold-Toes, perhaps)-and-what-he-got-from-TK-Max-in-Runcorn-two-weeks-ago-for-the-bargain-price-of-sick-squid-for-a-bag-of-six-the-reason-for-them-being-so-great-being-that-they-don't-make-your-feet-smell-ever-even-if-you-wear-them-for-a-week-so-Ner.

What you have just said may make no sense to someone who not only enjoys smelly socks but actually PURCHASES them from shady net-sites.

(we're still going halvies on those 'Brittany Spears'/Aug.02, aren't we?)

"Shock and Awe" is what is experienced by those pathetic peverted purhasers who open the package they recieve from: http://Lynskey's Used Socks.com.

So did the US Military ever get around to developing a two hundred foot high George Bush robot that breathes fire? Probably not. I expect if I'd seen it, I'd have remembered.

Dunno, but I'd forgotten about the Geordie Missile, and I'm glad to be reminded. Did you ever extricate your house from the enormous vagina, btw?

No 200 feet high robots that I have heard of but there is a new approach on the horizon for Iraq.

There has been devised a plan to import 70,000 thirty five feet tall inflatable penguins to Iraq.

The gist of the plan is to convince the locals that the new "ice age" has started and that they need to flee to the south.

Once the entire area has been deserted it will then be claimed as New East Florida and another star will be added to the flag!

I was told this by some old drunk wearing a 25 year old band hat from his high school.

The inflatable penguins are to celebrate a birthday. You know how everyone loves cake. A feeling of "goodwill" will invade every Iraqi, and the star-to-the-flag will be added with optimistic glee. Shock-and-Awe tactics have been replaced with the old Kinder-Gentler approach.

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So long as there are spambots, AAD will never die. Nor will it ever become coherent.

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