Les nouvelles Croisades....

yes, but toast still can't tell time easily. as for saint george, i've wondered about that myself. is it dubbaya or dad??

I bought one of those watches. I was impressed with the ability of the aluminum smith who could create such a masterpiece as I found myself holding in my hand. MY hand! I couldn't believe that I could be the possesser of such a fine instrument until I noticed that IT DIDN'T KEEP TIME!

I took the fucker apart, ripped out all those stupid wheels and replaced them with JAM!

It works fine, now.

I'm sorry ... did I say 'aluminum'?

Well, now you bring me onto the topic... I was accosted by Geezer Tony down the pub the other day ... complaining about the Americans in general, and their use of the English language in partickler.

His biggest bugbear was: "Why can't those fuckers (sic (perhaps)) use the right word for 'aluminium'?"

Well, as I have since told Geezer Tony (a sort of shaven-headed version of Swiss Toni, btw) believe it or not, 'aluminum' is as close as I can possibly be sure of being the correct version. There were lots of other issues that I blew out of the water, but this, apparently was the one that rankled the most 'chez lui'.

Sir Humphrey Davy, inventor of the eponymous lamp of yore and all-round egghead of his time, not to mention discoverer of 'aluminium' named it 'aluminum' (New Scientist website .... find the page yourself if you are that arsed about it).

Apparently the Brits didn't think that this sounded 'Latin' enough, and added the 'i'.

It worked well enough for our American cousins, though, and for this reason I have decided to piss everyone else in the pub off by pronouncing it by its rightful name: ALUMINUM!

America, God bless your cotton socks. Apart from George Wanker Bush's. Those can go and fuck themselves up their cotton-assed ass.

Mmmmm ... jam

Hmm ... I see I've either stunned everybody into silence, or you're all such bluddy know-it-alls that this was not news in any way, shape or form. Either way, damn one of your eyes. The green one. (Notice I didn't say 'the brown one' ... because I already feel that I need to build bridges here.)

Your ever loving son Jon,

Nigel

Mmmm ... bridges!

What is it about the military? What are they good for? No sooner have we trained em up and packed em off to the Middle East than we are crying down our legs and wanting to get them back! When will we make our collective mind up? Do we want them to get blown up, or not?

I would also like to add that while they might be able to get 'aluminum' correct, the ability to pronounce 'tomato' properly is still lacking. Oh, and I once had an American ask me if all Australians drink 'Quad X' - well done old son!

Another thing ... all Aussies reserve the righty-oh to pronounce words however we choose, which includes adding the suffixes - ay, ie, y and za to everything-ay. Don't be whingy pommies about this-ay. Because us skippys are entitled to misuse the English langa in this way. It's part of our culture (or should that be Kulcha)to shorten, elongate or otherwise completely obscure the true meaning and pronunciation of ANY word in the Oxford dictionary, which is why we created the Macquarie! Just you try me ay.I'll be devved if I can't Aussify any word. ;)

"Wouldn't you like to know"

Ha! As transparent as a sweat-soaked white unitard.

Hello, you.

Hi there, I figured you would know! Just being my usual transparently evasive self. Hello yourself. Well I have to work now - damn!

Far be it from me to display an entirely prurient interest, but is this beginning to look promising?

No, I don't think so.

I'm still in shock from the use of the word "unitard", shock and, quite possibly, awe.

I am now wondering about 'tard' in general. For instance, unitard is clearly just one tard. Then you have 'retard'. But to be re-tarded, surely you have to have already been 'tarded' in the first place. Can anybody shed some light on the origins and meaning of 'tard'.

So, after some investigation, if 'tard' comes from the Latin 'Tardus' meaning 'slow'. Then a unitard is actually a 'one slow' or a 'single slow' which doesn't make much sense. A retard is 'again slow'. Also, if bas is a Latin stem meaning 'low' than a bastard is a 'low slow'. Hmmm perplexing.

The 'uni' prefix indicates that the garment is a one-piece (which of course, it is). The 'tard' suffix probably relates to the fact that it's quite difficult to remove in a hurry (esp if the person concerned were already sweaty after a vigorous workout at the local gymnasium/Indian restaurant/Sainsbury's car park).

Additionally I have it on very good authority that 'tard' in the sense of 'slow' refers to the fact that wearing said garment while engaging in sexual intercourse can delay things tremendously - a handy thing to note for any gentlemen who are a bit quick off the mark, like.

I am certainly with you on that explanation CJ. I would recommend the unitard as a contraceptive and orgasm delay device, primarily because they look so sexy - NOT. However, explain to me if you will why what is essentially a lacy, sleeveless unitard (i.e. the 'Teddy') is considered raunchy while the humble transparent unitard is just so FAME! The only thing I can think is that most unitards don't have those nasty little clips that dig into all of your soft bits when you sit down - hence no easy access.

Oh, and another thing. Do you think the 'tard' suffix indicates that it's slow to remove, or that you actually look like a 'tard' (one who is a little slow). I am thinking only of when you try to remove your thick, seamed-at-the-back ballet tights from underneath without removing said unitard, as all good ballet-going little girls were wont to do via the old you put your right leg in, you pull your right leg out method?

So...

"leotards" are things that lions wear when working out?

This is all very confusing.

So I'm at home watching "Clockers".

Harvey Keitel is a fantastic actor but I'd like to see him play something other than himself. Checkmate.

And those other things, with the poppers... don't they get rusty?

I had to do a little research there, Skipstress, and I am happy that Mr Google came up witih the following:

http://www.macquariedictionary.com.au/

Don't stop being so cute, you hear?

PS: Lynsker, I'm going to 'clock' you if I don't stop getting "New Messages Alert" because of you. How about that?! Internet rage!

Ah, yes, the trusty Macquarie online. Good on us for perverting the English.

Perverting the English?

The people, or the language? (I'm not sure I should have asked that)

Both probably!