Pointless Lists

(1) Vasectomy On Ice
(2) The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner Bean
(3) That Bloke From The Cheese Advertisements
(4) Yodelling Plankton
(5) Britain’s decaying infrastructure
(6) A W Lumkin
(7) How dare you speak to my deformed ex-mistress like that
(8) Troise and his Mandoliers
(9) Deliberately getting out of the car and hopping all the way round the electricity sub-station, then getting back in
(10) Seneca’s Night Of Shame!

1) Rachel Carson
2) Recycling
3) Greenpeace
4) Jonathan Porridge
5) UNESCO
6) Nature (the magazine, not the already-hackneyed concept of 'nature')
7) Ralph Nader
8) Scandinavia (and, okay, much as it galls me: Holland)
9) David Bellamy
10) The Earth in the Balance
11) Because, hey, let's face it: George W. Bush!

1. Woggles
2. Lopsided pictures of quaint street scenes
3. The 19 times table
4. Animated sex scenes
5. Serenfuckingdipity
6. Lamination catalogues
7. Rupert the bear
8. Grid references
9. Small tubes of luminescent decretive icing
10. Cap guns

1. Optical?
2. The bloke from Archers Goon, no not him.
3. OSMOSIS MOTHERFUCKERS
4. Silica Gel
5. The concept of beds
6. Dangerous Mussels
7. holes
8. Label printers I have known.
9. Inventing a word to describe the act of "Rocking up MTV"
10. Chris Rabbit.

1. "Seriously, Mr. Henty we need you to get down from there and re-adjust things for the sake of the town of Pisa and it's dying tourist industry"

2. "Mr. Englund understands your passion for his movies, but could you please stop mailing him those dreadful homemade gloves"

3. "Dear Paul, Ms. Wannamaker no longer lives at this address and therefore we could not pass on your message asking her to "fuck right off". We do, however, agree wholeheartedly with your opinions on 'My Family'"

4. "Do you have to keep hanging around my collection of abandoned barns?"

5. "You are not Ewan MacGregor. Put it away"

6. "You have the right to remain silent. You also have the right to remove that thing off your face. It may be laying its eggs in there"

7. "Please, man, please don't. That's my goddamn life savings your swinging around your head. I've got six kids and my wife needs booze. Please, man . . . ."

8. "Listen, idiot, there are NO 'fucking communists' working here at the BBC. We're sick of your constant phonecalls and we're sick of that huge advertising hoarding you tow around on the back of a truck outside Television Centre. It's damaging our public image"

9. "Get 'owf my lAAAAAANNNDDD! You'll disturb the sAAAARRLLAAAKKK!"

10. "Fine, fine, have it your way "Captain Invincible", but if you want to carry on this research into whether or not you can 'fly like a bluejay' you are ON YOUR OWN!"

1. long donkey brays.
2. jethro and ellie maize.
3. open-air gays.
4. crouches and prays.
5. flesh fillaize.
6. bold school days.
7. dude gets what he pays.
8. scratch and laze.
9. get 'em while they graze.
10. loads, locks, and slays.

BONUS: moutarde relaise.

8) "North American Space Agency proves that Pointless Lists 'may possibly be' the road to perdition. Or enlightenment."
1) "Many a Muckle Trafford makes a Mickle Trafford."
5) "In einem Baum nackt wohnen."
10) "I was only 'Gonna paint a number frickin' EIGHT!' Goddam Nazi [expletive deleted]s!"
3) "Laugh? I nearly wet myself! Oh ... hold on..."
6) Rumsfeld: "Oompahpah oompahpah, that's how it goes. Oompahpah."
4) "Do you, Stuart Goddard..."
7) "How exactly are you spelling 'stanchions'?"
9) "Partly."
2) "Get the wheels in line! Get the wheels in line with it!"

(Bubbling under: overheard in Lebanese library: "Shhh!")

1)Trashcan maggots.

2)Elf porn.

3)Catfish guts jerky.

4)Furry handpuppets of Elvis.

5)Seven.

6)The thing that I find most distracting is when I see something shiny laying nearby on my desk and I stare at it til I become sorta .....

7)Silly e-mails about clowns eating children alive.

8)Jello wrestling practice alone.

9)Wasted days and Wasted nights.

10)The cyclops point of view.

11)This space intentionally left blank.

12)Shallow graves for fun and profit!

13)Triskaidekaphobia <<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>

14)Hello kitty.

15)See number 5.

16)Jailbait.

17)Hot mayonaise sandwich.

18)Barely legal.

19)Sand with the grain not across the grain.

20)Eloquently verbose or rambling aimlessly?

21)"My Favorite Martian"

1. Blunt objects
2. Spheres
3. A sponge
4. The opposite of a narwhal
5. A theoretical plain
6. tribbles
7. A dog made entirely of ghee
8. Not a unicorn
9. A thought
10. Special Brew

1.“Jesus, and I thought the Greeks were bad at flower pressing”
2.“You say that now, but you just WAIT till I increase the voltage”
3.“Aghh…Fucking butterflies, fucking everywhere”
4.“That’ll be 44 pence please luv, or you get three for a pound”
5.“I don’t know? It just came off in my mouth! My wifes delighted though”
6.“No, I cant honestly say I’ve ever had a problem with retinal lactation”
7.“Id like everyone to meet Mrs.Entwistle, she’s Britain’s top urban golfer you know!
8.“Alfred!!!!!What have I told about climbing into jars? DANGEROUS!!! VERY DANGEROUS!!!!!
9.“Left over right and under, right over left and under. Whey, a reef knot.”
10.“ I don’t know how to tell you this honey, but I went fucking puppies today, what did you do?”

1. Tonewheels
2. Flywheels
3. Manwheels
4. Wheelywheels
5. WheelyWheelyWheels
6. Permawheels
7. WellWellWheels
8. Beckhamwheels
9. Plosionwheels
10. Nicky Campbell

1) Nonummy
2) Dolore
3) Voluptpat
4) Molestie
5) Adipiscing
6) Vuluptate
7) Zzril
8) Lobortis
9) Doming
10) Nobis

(In case some of you guys were intent on giving me a virtual head-kicking, these are all words that belong to the greek, or dummy, texts that publishers use when laying out prototype layout. (I know that 96% of you knew that, but I'm trying to cover all my bases here.) All of them, however, could be used by teenage bands as quasi-sophisticated names.)

PS: Just think of the hilarious puns in The Sun if Osama bin Laden had been named Osama bin Wheely...

Élite: A condom.
Élite: Crack Western troops.
Élite: Iraqi Daisycutter fodder.
Élite: Ivy-League 'educated' oil magnate.

No, now hold on. Although this is consensually a cynic's forum, I read that report on Ms Lynch and cried my eyes out. Cried and cried. I shan't bother boring you with my polemic about it. I just cried buckets, is all.

1) Gippid
2) Thring
3) Evulate
4) Triceratoploaders
5) Hamilast
5) Guvlup
6) Tinnibulant
7) Kinkshaft
8) Jovwelder
9) Pentle
10)Hagfast

A) Polare Bold
B) Bobby Sans
C) Lisariley Extra Heavy
D) Marlboro Light
E) Gothic Stoned
F) Ariel White
G) President Dense
H) Blair Open Face
I) Futura Depressing
J) Univers Condemned

Barth-Brunner Controversy
Blissium
Don't Know II
Grebes
Hatpins
Humidex Dreams
Invert Philosophy
Jacob Beardsley
Ormskirk
Simple Circuits
Whimsy
Whimsy II
Whitty

I didn't number that.

I seen right away there was more than three of them and I ain't no good at math.

Yeah, I THINK I saw the irony; that you are trying to shove AAD up its own jacksey. Some might applaud, but I have to question the rôle of people who call into question their own existence, and their place in the space-time continuum. I, and several other Guinness experts, think it might be self-destructive, and I advise you to consider advice from a psychiatrist. And, failing that, Stephen Hawking. Or one or two Dr Who fans. They know the score about the existence/jacksey singularity.

I wish to add the word "smoing" to my previous list (not to be pronounced smo-ing, definitely to rhyme with "boing")

I love typos

1. Clockers
2. Clockers
3. Clockers
4. Clockers
5. Clockers
6. Clockers
7. Clockers
8. Clockers
9. Clockers
10. Clockers

I don't mind typos