NAFF

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Originating from the Australian “Nasty as Fuck”, the word NAFF is introduced to the British public via Ronnie Barker in Porridge. As in “Naff off Godber!” However the expression looses its appeal when Princess Anne starts using it.

I didn't know that, but yay for Aussies. We're cool as!

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Friday, 11 April 2003 09:44 (twenty-two years ago)

For the swearers among you: www.laughingpoliceman.com/swear

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Friday, 11 April 2003 09:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Sometime in the mid-Seventies, before Porridge had made the expression widely known, an announcement appeared in the small-ads section of The Times which delighted me with its positively oriental blend of simplicity and inscrutability: ‘Naff off, Hovis!’

I do not know what it meant, nor do I care. Mystery is precious.

― Rex (Rex), Friday, 11 April 2003 20:39 (twenty-two years ago)

So I'm at home watching "Clockers".

It strikes me that Eminem has not yet been shot in the head. This hasn't happened anywhere near the Hypercube either. Maybe more people get shot in the head in the movies than in real life. Maybe not.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Friday, 11 April 2003 22:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Say what you like about policemen. But I happen to know that they have their own Kafka-esque logic that sets them apart from the likes of you and me.

I took delivery of a letter from Gloucestershire Constabulary yesterday, an extract of which appears below, typed by my own fair hand (I was doing something else with my swarthy one). It regards some consumer durables that were stolen from my plalce of abode by a bunch of 17-yr-olds in November, one of which was subsequently apprehended. I think he was helped by the fact that I actually had his mobile phone number. If only all arrests were this easy! Anyway...

----

TAKE NOTICE THAT J1 PROPERTY REF: (reference number deleted without prejudice)

I have in my possession and/or control: a shaver, scorpian (sic) light gun and playstation controls
now held at Cheltenham Police Station of which I require you to take delivery or give direction as to its delivery*

blablabla...

*THE POLICE WILL NOT, IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, UNDERTAKE TO DELIVER ANY GOODS OR ARRANGE FOR THEIR DELIVERY

So there. Talk about one hand not knowing what the other is doing. This was an example of one hand making cajoling allusions and then the self hand immediately taking them back. A bit like my experience with my dead arm, which is still playing up. My thumb is still numb. Thumb, numb ... God, if I were Dr Seuss, I'd have come up with a book about sleeping on your bluddy right hand by now. As it is, I'm not, although if I have children I did consider naming them Thing 1 and Thing 2. Hi, by the way ... sorry I wasn't here during the week. AAD will be a weekend thing for me from now on, as I've moved to a place where I have no access to the Internet. E Sussex.

― Pooster (pooster), Saturday, 12 April 2003 08:45 (twenty-two years ago)

I bet the plods at Cheltenham nick have been using your shaver and playing on your Playstation since the middle of last December. You're lucky they even bothered mentioning they've got them. Don't be surprised to find they are broken when you get them back, or full of ginger beard shavings.

― C J (C J), Saturday, 12 April 2003 20:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Ginger beard shavings - eerrr. CJ that was uncalled for.

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Sunday, 13 April 2003 16:08 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm sorry - did I say 'ginger beard'? I meant 'ginger beer', obviously.

― C J (C J), Sunday, 13 April 2003 19:15 (twenty-two years ago)

On mature reflection, it may have been Private Eye, not The Times. Easily confused, I think you'll agree.

― Rex (Rex), Sunday, 13 April 2003 23:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh, Naff off Rex. ;)

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Monday, 14 April 2003 12:32 (twenty-two years ago)

If it's "Nasty As Fuck", then why don't you spell it "NAF" instead of "NAFF"? Do Australians have a speech impediment, poor spelling, or are you doing this just to irritate me?

Because it's not working.

― C J (C J), Monday, 14 April 2003 13:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Maybe it was originally used in context such as: 'She was a nasty as fuck fuck'? It wouldn't surprise me, since I know Australian men. I have no idea CJ, to be honest. Ask the laughing policeman. I have never heard the word Naff before I came to this rainy ol' isle.

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Monday, 14 April 2003 13:34 (twenty-two years ago)

Right.

That's about enough of this "Australia" business.

Everyone knows that "Australia" and "kangaroos" and "boomerangs" and such are not real. Charles Dodgson made that up while trying to get his mind off of little girls and was so embarressed later that he began stammering and changed his name.

Jabberwockys, now, those are real.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 15 April 2003 11:26 (twenty-two years ago)

So are wombats.

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Tuesday, 15 April 2003 13:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Again I say, "Underground, overground wombling free, the Wombles of Wimbledon Common are REAL!"

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Tuesday, 15 April 2003 17:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Erm, no sorry, the Wombles are not real, however much they may be making good use of the things that they find (kind of like itinerants really aren't they?). But Wombats, the hairy nosed, hole-dwelling little fellas, really do exist!

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Wednesday, 16 April 2003 07:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Wombles aren't really all that itinerant though, are they? I mean, did they ever actually travel any further than Wimbledon Common?

Paddington Bear, however - now THERE's a true Illegal Immigrant for you. All the way from darkest Peru with a sandwich under his titfer and no visa, work permit or pecuniary assets. It would appear you can get away with anything if you are clueless and cute, but have a nice coat.

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 16 April 2003 08:50 (twenty-two years ago)

2 out of 3 ain't bad eh Lynskey?

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Wednesday, 16 April 2003 09:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Good point CJ, that most pernicious little bear should be deported immediately. I bet he had some sort of nasty meat spread on that sandwich too and brought in all sorts of insiduous livestock diseases. While we're at it, we may as well try to get rid of Winnie the Pooh as well, because he doesn't have a nice coat and the filthy bastard doesn't wear any trousers when he fraternises with piglets and donkeys.

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Wednesday, 16 April 2003 09:20 (twenty-two years ago)

insiduous = losing leaves, but in an enclosed space?

Well OF COURSE Winnie The Pooh doesn't wear trousers because they would get wet and dirty when he played Pooh Sticks. Plus he has no washing machine that I know of.

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 16 April 2003 09:25 (twenty-two years ago)

CJ, you've just described all of our office plants.Ok, OK, I am skivving off at work again and my brain is mush, someone keeps ferreting around in it and look what has happened!

As for the Pooh Sticks, you have a twisted mind girl -- and he could always hand wring couldn't he!

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Wednesday, 16 April 2003 09:28 (twenty-two years ago)

By no stretch of the imagination is it a nice coat.

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 21 April 2003 10:56 (twenty-two years ago)

It was MEEEE!!! I was ferreting/badgering/wombating/bearing/pigleting/eeyoring/wombling/grebing around in her head of absolute and total mush (and that was before I even began) ... and this is wot I found. Indeed, it was all that I found:

http://www.desertimages.com.au/alastair/images/post_witchetty_grub_424.jpg

Mmmmm ... phallic.

― Pooster (pooster), Monday, 21 April 2003 22:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Ah the delightful witchety grub, which is not a honey ant (quite obviously). However, I am VERY concerned that you think this is phallic. If I ever came across a penis that resembled a witchety grub, I don't think I would eat it. Might be a little gritty.

ewwwwww!

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 08:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Could we maintain a little respect here? Some of my best friends are grubs.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 08:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh, and by the way, "editor", everyone knows those "wombats" aren't real. They are merely pieces of carpeting sewed into the shape of cuddily "pets" so that British convicts could smuggle cheese off of the ship. No one was fooled...really.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 09:05 (twenty-two years ago)

"Zen" "Clown" "thanks" for that "enlightening" version of "events". I was not aware that British convicts came to Australia fully equipped with slabs of Gloucester or Red Leicester but that would certainly explain all of the ship's rats. However, I think you will find that your version is urban myth, there was no cheese but the story eventuated due to the pungent "cheesy" stench of hundreds of scurvey-riddled and unwashed prostitutes,crooks, and cutthroats in a confined space. As for calling the furry-nosed fat little critter a "pet" well, A Country Practice aside, I think you'd find that they'd take offence at that and have your arm off.

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Tuesday, 22 April 2003 09:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Fluffy Animal Top Trumps:

WOMBAT (Matrix matrix)
Speed: 5kph
Furriness: 9
Cuteness: *****
Whiskers: 28
Smell: two-week-old venison pastie
Existence: not proven
Road-kill potential: Jackson Pollack's 'Red Period'

BINTURONG (Bintus rongii)
Speed: 4.3 kph
Furriness: 9
Cuteness: *******
Whiskers: 29
Smell: flea-market lederhosen
Existence: rare
Road-kill potential: Chemical Ali's favourite scatter cushion

Hmmm... looks like I win by a whisker! C'mon, hand over yer wombat!

― Pooster (pooster), Saturday, 26 April 2003 07:28 (twenty-two years ago)

TRICERATOPLOADER
Speed: 8-10k.p.h., depending on traffic
Furriness: 4
Cuteness:
Whiskers: Indie sideburns, probably
Smell: guitars
Existence: depressingly real
Road-kill potential: Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

― Matt (Matt), Sunday, 27 April 2003 08:15 (twenty-two years ago)

Could someone please confirm/deny the cuteness factor of the Triceratoploader? I'm worried that if it's the one I'm thinking of, it does that irritating dance in the moonlight during Sainsbury's TV adverts, and that will never do.

― C J (C J), Sunday, 27 April 2003 12:57 (twenty-two years ago)

For all you womabat doubters:
http://home.mira.net/~areadman/wombat.htm

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Monday, 28 April 2003 07:40 (twenty-two years ago)

I attempted tp quantify the cuteness, and couldn't think of a non-existent number small enough.

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 28 April 2003 09:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Der, if it's non-existent it's no wonder you couldn't think of the number. Shits all over your alternatives though Matty, doesn't it?

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Monday, 28 April 2003 10:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Like a big bison.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Monday, 28 April 2003 13:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Lynskey, last I checked there were no Bison in Britain. However, I guess it's time for someone to mention the Beast of Bodmin Moor and other big cat sightings, BUT they're not native, so ner ner. Nor are grey squirrels so they don't count. Moles - hah! Come on then, what've ya got?

― Wouldn't you like to know (Amused), Monday, 28 April 2003 13:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Of course there are bison in Britain! Lots of them. But no buffalo. You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

― C J (C J), Monday, 28 April 2003 14:00 (twenty-two years ago)

So I'm at home watching "Clockers". No, hang on . . .

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Monday, 28 April 2003 14:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Der, if it's non-existent it's no wonder you couldn't think of the number. Shits all over your alternatives though Matty, doesn't it?

*sigh* that was largely the point wouldn't you like to knowy, but never mind eh?

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 28 April 2003 22:55 (twenty-two years ago)

That is one of the problems with imaginary people living on imaginary continents. They are difficult to argue with. Imagination has no limits whereas real people have real issues to deal with, like "Who's buying?" and "Does anyone know where I live? Could you show me?" and "Can I clean that up tomorrow?". Sensitive people like me, living in Erewhon, understand these things.

Wombats...

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Monday, 28 April 2003 23:18 (twenty-two years ago)

. . . Clockers . . . . .

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Tuesday, 29 April 2003 14:28 (twenty-two years ago)

...Blissium....

― Matt (Matt), Tuesday, 29 April 2003 22:52 (twenty-two years ago)

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