I really, really, really, really, really do fucking hate Macs. As you're about to find out.

How come you have to resize every bloody window using the tab at the bottom right corner? Often this means you have to reposition the entire window again to make it convenient to use. You waste so much time just repositioning windows and shit like that. What a waste of time and effort!Why use the mouse more than you have to?

And whilst we're on the subject, some things you just HAVE to do with a mouse because there are either no keyboard shortcuts for the operation or because the keyboard shortcuts are either atrociously documented or completely undocumented (you can do pretty much anything on a PC without the aid of a mouse by hitting ALT and scrolling through the menus or hitting hotkeys). A lot of software expects you to do things with your mouse. What if you don't want to use a mouse? What if ... and hear me out here ... what if most tasks are actually

Talking of shortcuts, Macs have the most stupid shortcuts in the world, eg: Apple and K to send mail. In what language is the letter 'K' supposed to logically betoken sending mail? Xhosa? And that's not the only example... far from it! To forward an email is not Apple+F, it is Apple+J And it applies to other applications too: why is the 'Runaround' shortcut in QuarkXpress Apple+T, but 'Get Text' is Apple+E? Where's the logic in that then?

More on shortcuts, while we're at it: I recently discoverd the Keyboard Shortcut of Death: Shift+Apple+0, - or =. What possible use is a keyboard shortcut that turns your monitor off and crashes your computer? (Admittedly I use the Canadian International ISO keyboard format, so I can't say if that works on British keyboard layouts ... but you can always give it a go yourself.)

Ah, before leaving the shortcuts issue, why can't you clear the desktop of windows with one keyboard shortcut, as you can with a PC? Why do you have to minimise everything that isn't your current application, and then minimise the windows in the current application manually before looking at your desktop (I realise there may be a shortcut for this ... but again, damned if it's well documented. If you know it, tell me asap.)

You have to first go to the Apple menu to open the application you want, instead of being able to have all the icons permanently docked and visible at the bottom of the page (as you can easily do on a PC if you so wish). I know that this has been fixed in OSX, but why did they have to wait all this time to figure out that when some people want an app open, they don't want to have to move or minimise windows (see above) to find an alias on their desktop, or perform gratuitous extra clicks to open it.

Incidentally, some Mac-owning twat once said that the PC was badly designed because you had to click on 'Start' to close the computer down. There is a certain amount of logic in this, but at least it gave you a good idea that 'Start' was the first place you should click to begin using the computer. The tiny little text-free icon for the Apple Menu now ... remind me again how that is an intuitive device?

Now here's a thing: the error message "Finder needs attention. Click to find out what it wants..." or however the message is worded... Why can't it just pop up and tell you what the problem is? Why do you have to perform an extra click on a message box to open up another message box to find out what the problem is? It's like someone in the office coming to tell you that someone else has taken a telephone message for you, and please could you go see them to find out what it was! Dur!

Okay, we're onto really irritating shit now: *Macs don't multitask*, ever! If you are opening up one app, all the rest stop working. You can't even switch between apps if a dialog box is open in the current app!

Another great feature from QuarkXpress: the fonts don't work properly on-screen! Not only do they not render properly, thus making typos and other mistakes far more difficult to spot ... they look different according to whichever zoom level you're viewing the page at!

Image files do not render properly in Quark either. You've got a 40Mb graphic file laid out in your document, and it looks like something a Sinclair Spectrum drew.

Fucking annoying, this one: different packages (eg: web browser, MS Word, DTP) use different keys for navigating around bodies of text, so if you momentarily forget which package uses which key combinations, you end up not moving but deleting something... possibly permanently. For instance, by inadvertently causing the server to refresh you can actually permanently delete a very long message typed into a web form by pressing the very same keys that in Word would simply jump the cursor back a word. (Did I mention the amazing undo facility of Quark, by the way? No, thought not: The undo feature will correct only the last thing you ever did ... if at all. By making a slight misjudged finger movement, you can potentially wipe out an entire day's work).

In fact, the various ways that you are supposed to move around and delete blocks of text or individual characters is not only not intuitive, it is downright contra-intuitive.

Google, the world authority on everything, does not even bother making a Google toolbar for it, so crap are they. Web designers don't bother designing for Macs, because a) they're shit and b) because it's like the computer equivalent of owning an LPG car: "oooh, look at meeee, I'm so cooool!" and they quite rightly say to themselves before deciding what platforms to design for: "Fuck 'em!" Can't access a website? Can't order a book because the JavaScript doesn't work properly? Can't read the text because it's so fucking small? You must have a Mac! Dickhead.

Macs: hardly anyone can fix them when they fuck up because there's no easy way to get into their operating system.

Let's talk about hardware. Have you seen those 'trendy' keyboards with pathetically small, badly shaped and unresponsive keys? Especially the arrow keys... they're absolute shite. And you can't even alter the angle of the keyboard much either, to get it into a proper typing position. The whole damn design of that iMac-style keyboard is unergonomic from beginning to end. And you can't swap them for a proper-sized Mac keyboard because ... guess what ... they have different connectors! Same goes for that crappy hockey puck mouse.... it's USB, and a 'proper' shape mouse is some sort of DIN plug.

The round mouse is more difficult to use than a normal mouse. By a factor of a million. If you put your hand on it without looking, you have no way of knowing which direction it is pointing in. The lead is also pathetically short and gets easily obstructed and resisted by things lying on your desk. All Mac mice have only one button, making navigation difficult and shortcuts impossible. And there's no navigation wheel.

The iMac, a supposedly 'great' machine, has no floppy drive or Zip drive, just a CD slot. Which means that you have to transfer documents >1.4Mb (excuuuse me for using it to do magazine layouts and image manipulation on!) via the Internet. Fucked up or what?

The iMac has its microphone actually INSIDE the shell of the computer, above all the electronic gubbins, hence it picks up noise from the hard disk et al.

The iMac, supposedly an icon of great design, has a fucking 14 inch monitor... useless for doing great designs on!

Anyway, much more to follow. I just can't be arsed and I'm due to pick up my new car (WOOOO!) in half an hour. Go into a showroom. Play around with a Mac... tell me I'm wrong. I'd like to be. But unfortunately even seasoned Mac-operators can't remember the hotkeys and shortcuts and key combinations (oh! I didn't even mention the key combinations, did I?! It's like aliens designed the key combinations!)

Look, I know the guy who designed the iMac is British. Doesn't stop him being a cunt though.

Feedback please.
xPooster