What's the dumbest thing anyone wrote in your year book?

Well,

I was only incarcerated for a short while until I learned "people skills" and now I'm rich and famous and my face has cleared up so NER, Editor!

I bet YOU don't have a monkey!

I would suggest that you not banter with me about "sheer negligence and stupidity" as I am an expert of the highest order.

And another thing...I have heard, from respectable sources, that those old Latins fucked their sisters so ner.

My monkey loves me.

I rather like that.

(My monkey thinks I LOOK stupid because I don't shave EVERYTHING when I wear my teddy.)

Watch yourself, Sir. I have a dictionary and I know how to use it!

Goodness! That means that I was amiss.

http://www.hobgoblin-tokyo.com/graphics/hobpic/Dogs_Bollocks.jpg

A custard pie, surely.

So, anyway, Sir Alex Ferguson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionnaire" and has reached the million pound question. Chris Tarrant says "Right Sir Alex, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a set? Is it
a) a badger
b) a ferret
c) a mole
d) a cuckoo

Alex ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too
sure. I'll have to go 50-50."

Chris says "Right, Sir Alex, let's take away two wrong answers and we'll see what you're left with"

"Badger" and "cuckoo" are the two remaining answers.

Alex has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

"Ok, who are you going to call, Sir Alex?" says Chris.

"Hmmm..." ponders Alex. "I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from Who Wants To Be A Millionnaire'. I've got Sir Alex Ferguson here, and with your help you could win him one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sir Alex's".

"Hello David" says Alex. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Alex.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Fergie, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger. Final answer."

"Sir Alex," says Chris, "that's the correct answer. You've just won one million pounds!!" (Cue wild celebrations).

The next morning at training, Alex calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger lives in a set?" says Fergie.

"Oh I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "but everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock."

"Be still, my heart."

It's just since I lost my beloved Sue (who probably has a prostate gland), I find myself unsettled.

Just the other day, I spoke sternly to my monkey and he/she (I can't get close enough to tell which) took to the rafters and won't come down.

To coax your monkey back down from the rafters, you must first acquire a Siamese cat and name it Chee. Then you should go out to your local delicatessen and purchase a large slab of very ripe soft French cheese. On returning home, cut the cheese into two portions of equal size and tie one to each of the cat's front paws. The monkey's curiosity will soon get the better of it, and it'll clamber back down. I think there must be some sort of punchline about Soft Brie Soft Brie Cat Chee Monkey but (a) I have not had enough to drink yet and (b) I haven't thought it through properly.

Worth a try though, eh?

(You wouldn't be somehow related to the "CheezeMiester", would you?)

(And no, I'm not related to the "CheezeMiester". Or anyone else, for that matter. I'm an orphan, actually)

(My monkey loves me.)

http://193.62.14.190/sean.jpg

This is Dante

http://www.carpe-jugulum.com/Jim/019.jpg

(whatever that means)

How old are you, Matt(hew). I am 13. I can do what I want no matter what Dumb Shit Pussy Brits say.

That is not me above. I have hair and no glasses. That looks like our old friend Elton Jr.

BTW-- those who are obsessed with fecal matter could always email me back! ;-) On second thoughts, that sounds like an invitation to every freak on the block doesn't it? Oh well, you know what I mean.

Sutton Coldfield Park extends across much of the Constituency of Sutton Coldfield, it is Birmingham's largest park and a remnant of an extensive forest that covered much of the Midlands, it has many activities including; walking, cycling, fishing, horse-riding and jogging, canoeing and sailing amongst others and enjoys annual visitors of over 2 million.

Sounds like our kind of place. And not at all dull.

Some workshop facilities are also available.
The site has ample car parking.
Several projects are currently underway to further enhance the site and the facilities available to members.

Phwoar, eh?

There are recollections of horse-drawn bakery and laundry services, Whit-Monday parades and, as a prelude, the Luftwaffe’s 1939 aerial reconnaissance [while of course not wishing to nit-pick, may I ask what kind of reconnaissance other than aerial we would expect from the Luftwaffe?] picture of the Balloon Barrage Centre [that was no Balloon Barrage Centre, that was my wife! (© Big-Hearted Charlie McSexist, 1953)].

A number of contributors provide memories of air-raid shelters, rationing, the RAF 216 Ralph Reader WAAF Gang Shows and both VE and VJ celebrations.

Couples share their stories on early post-war weddings, the lack of housing and the maternity bed shortage. The opposing views on the emergent NHS expressed by Sutton’s GPs and dentists are compared with Sutton’s first full-time surgeon. [Can views be meaningfully compared with a surgeon?]

As the war finished, a vision of the future developed – folk describe the additional school provision, the new NHS developments, the Falcon Lodge Estate and the developing sporting and leisure provision [notably of course the ‘synthetic 400m, 8 lane track at Wyndley Leisure Centre.’ All that running, eh? You might almost think the inhabitants of Sutton Coldfield wanted to run away from something…]

The big event of December 1949 saw the commissioning of Sutton’s BBC TV transmitter for the Midlands [well, that may indeed be what the event saw, but aren’t you going to tell us what the event was? After all, an event which had the ability to see things must have been a very remarkable one] which brought visual pictures [best kind of pictures, some would say] of the outside world into many local homes.

The era concludes [no it doesn’t, the book does] with a 1950 aerial picture of Sutton Coldfield and George Gilbert’s contemporary paintings of Sutton scenes (owned by Sutton Library). [They never caught on, so he changed his name to Gilbert & George and began taking photos of turds, etc.]

[Management admits no liability for retinal damage, melancholia or posterior discomfort]

Photo 1: was taken by Roger Kenner in July 2000 while on a bike ride in the old-style industrial town of Mechanicville. The damaged smoke stack isn’t that of Sutton Coldfields infamous brewery but merely an abandoned factory that is still standing today if you fancy paying a visit,140 years after it took a beating during the American Civil War.

Photo 2: This was taken by amateur photographer Tim Hodges (No relation to the WKD swilling Tim Hodge) on 24/01/98. I’m sure its still there today but the likelihood of it appearing as an infamous tourist attraction I fear are minimal.

Photo 3: Although Rex will probably claim this to be the local aquarium it is in fact a photo taken shortly before the post-war re-vitalisation in the Old Town of Poole. Nice photo. Little History. Not worth the visit.

Photo 4: Here we take our first trip abroad and visit one of the many ancient trade routes of the Mediterranean and surrounding area, this example probably somewhere between Lebanon and Tarsus. Easy Jet flights to Malaga from Manchester Airport is probably your best bet.

Photo 5: Lovely photo of Union Street in St.George’s birth town of Coventry, im not sure on the current state of this building, but avoiding Coventry is always high on my agenda due to their incredibly irritating accent.

Photo 6: Ahh the infamous census fire’s, really Rex, trying to pull it off as a photo of your personal library. This room in the Commerce Department Building was almost destroyed by fire in January 1921 along with its contents, the 1890 census. This loss would have been tragic as it was the first census to use a punch-card and electronic tabulation system and told us key statistics about an important time in American history. The records how have now been restored and re-housed and I believe they can be visited although I am not quite sure where. Alternatively you could go to http://www.census.gov/ to get all the census info you will ever need.

Photo 7: Taken in 1941 in Stoke on Trent, this photo of Stoke Old Road only gives me one more weapon in my ever-increasing arsenal of anti-Stoke remarks. I don’t like the place, and I suggest that you should do the same.

Photo 8: The ruined houses depicted in this picture are situated by the main river of Ficherrain, this still exists in its full glory and thoroughly worth a visit, in fact I have a photo somewhere….ahh…here it is as it looks today.

http://www.thirdreichruins.com/Fischerrainn1.jpg

Photo 9: Now this is fascinating, here is one of the principal buildings on the St Bernards Hospital Estate. That’s right, the world famous alcohol rehabilitation centre which has put on courses including “Self-assessment - how to identify an alcohol/drug problem” and also “ Self-assessment - how to identify an alcohol/drug problem when your pissed” amongst others. I insist a visit here, it’s a great place to break in while drunk, cause a scene and then piss on someone of importance.
Write to:

CHAUCER CLINIC,
EALING HOSPITAL ESTATE,
UXBRIDGE ROAD,
SOUTHALL,
MIDDLESEX
UB2 4XB

Photo 10: This is a Railway truck located on the quayside of Salonika, the strategically important Greek port on the Aegean coast of Macedonia. It was bombed by Leutnant Thelen, Hauptmann Scherzer (who can be seen below) in their LZ85, they later ended up in a POW camp in France.

http://www.lolly.freeserve.co.uk/images/g.JPG

Photo 11: What a supprise! Arson at a Woomera detention centre in Australia. Go and see if you must but I expect you’ll end up there at some point anyway

Photo 12: More destruction in London at the hands of 300 German bombers on the 7th September 1940, now a balloon shop. That might not be true. But if it is be sure to pick me up some.

Photo 13: More Bombs Bombs Bombs in The London Borough of Barking and Dagenham. This particular shot is of Oval Road, where Cynthia serves lovely tea and scones at number 32.

Photo 14: Lynskey’s House. Go if you dare. I don’t.