Digital opposition

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I have been reading, in some so-called scientific publication, that humans, apes, and various other semi-sentient inhabitants of the outer layer of this backwards satellite, orbiting a nondescript star, have opposing thumbs. Opposition among the humans is obvious in that their primary occupation is tribal warfare... but opposing THUMBS? The only thing that I can think of that MY thumbs are opposed to is the blade of my table saw.

Is "opposing thumbs" some sort of Olympic event or something?

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 13 May 2003 03:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Did you know that most airlines will not allow primates on board their planes? I suppose it's obvious really, when you think about it, and it's not simply because monkeys make the air hostesses look bad. It's because monkeys have opposing thumbs. Thumbs open cage doors and worse, airplane doors. Thumbs help to undo zippers on all the luggage, thumbs help for swinging on electrical cords. Thumbs help to get little primates into aircraft galley elevators.

Thumbs cause chaos, they really do.

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 13 May 2003 05:43 (twenty-two years ago)

MY GOD! I never looked at it that way! Perhaps I, like many, lack a 'mental' thumb and simply fail to grasp the situation.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 13 May 2003 05:57 (twenty-two years ago)

The real question is, if there were no opposable thumbs, then how would one thumb their nose at those nasty people that deserve it??

― Ðµdë §téè£, Wednesday, 14 May 2003 00:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Also...How would we hitch-hike?

That's thumbthing to think about.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Wednesday, 14 May 2003 04:40 (twenty-two years ago)

Excuse me but *giggle* I have been somewhat inebriated and *giggle* thinking of thumbs.

Do any of you "twiddle"?

Twiddling thumbs is NOT as easy as it is made out to be. I find that I have to cease almost all other activities while attempting to do it.

Should it be done in a clockwise or counter-clockwise manner?

(Advanced twiddlers will see at once that the foregoing question is a Koan used by smart-assed Zen Clowns to fuck people up, and that the orbit of thumb twiddling is unlike a Mobius strip or a Klein bottle, it is much more confusing.)

I, myself, don't twiddle, but I envy those who can.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Wednesday, 14 May 2003 05:32 (twenty-two years ago)

I can wiggle my ears.

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 14 May 2003 05:50 (twenty-two years ago)

I can lie motionless for hours.

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 14 May 2003 09:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I can stand motionless for years.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Wednesday, 14 May 2003 12:14 (twenty-two years ago)

That's just to avoid getting your round in down the pub, surely?

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 14 May 2003 13:10 (twenty-two years ago)

I can communicate with plants using dance.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Wednesday, 14 May 2003 13:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Does that include nuclear power plants?

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 14 May 2003 13:50 (twenty-two years ago)

That's just a silly thing he made up and goes around saying so the neighbours will be reluctant to report him. He has yet to explain that funny smell emanating from his dwelling after his monthly pruning.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Thursday, 15 May 2003 03:40 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh, and another thing, Jar. If that big glass thing is really for watering plants, why does it have a pipe bowl on top?

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Thursday, 15 May 2003 03:48 (twenty-two years ago)

My plants like Tchaikovsky. Especially Piano Concerto #1. It makes them quiver.

Somehow I find that strangely erotic.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Thursday, 15 May 2003 03:56 (twenty-two years ago)

...as the actress said to the Bishop...

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Thursday, 15 May 2003 04:06 (twenty-two years ago)

. . . whilst fisting her . . . . .

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Thursday, 15 May 2003 17:06 (twenty-two years ago)

You people scare me sometimes

― C J (C J), Thursday, 15 May 2003 22:01 (twenty-two years ago)

If I lived on the same island as Lynskey, I'd be afraid too.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Thursday, 15 May 2003 23:54 (twenty-two years ago)

As an experiment I spent all of today digitally challenged.

I woke at 5:30 AM from the alarm clock as usual and immediatly bound both thumbs immobile with duct tape. This is going to be easy I thought to myself. Well taping up the first thumb was real easy, the second one took a little more time to get the edge of the tape peeled back to where I could get it with my teeth.

While standing in front of the toilet, needing to urinate badly, I realized that a thumb comes in pretty handy for helping to grasp my "willy" and direct the flow of urine somewhere near the toilet.

I was able to wash my hands in 20% less time though.

Sorry about the mess on the floor, and walls, and shower curtain, etc. (note to self, pick up new toothbrushes for everone in the house)

Sitting down at the kitchen table to eat my daily bowl of Rice Crispys I notice that it was a little awkward holding the spoon and trying to get at least part of the contents into my mouth. Alot went onto the front of my nightshirt.

No time to worry about that though because I running a little late for some reason and I need to hurry getting dressed and ready to leave for work.

After careful consideration I chose my white shirt with the pale blue pinstripes, button down collar, double button cuffs, and mother of pearl buttons down the front.

Ever try to button cuffs without your thumb? How about a button down collar? How about 7 tiny little mother of pearl buttons?

After fumbling with my necktie for about 15 minutes I decided that this may be a good day to "dress down".

I grabbed a T shirt and a pair of Levi jeans. No problems there..... well except that the first pair of jeans were 501's you know, BUTTON FLY jeans.

OK so I am definately going to be late getting to work but this is an experiment, a learning experiance if you will.

So far I have learned that it is much easier to pee in the shower and buttons are the spawn of the devil himself.

So I am out the door and on my way, well I will be as soon as I can push these damn little buttons on my car alarm remote in the right order in the allotted time. Must hold remote in one hand and push buttons with index finger of the other hand.

After going back into the house to change into another pair of jeans because the other pair had a huge coffee stain where I dumped that fresh HOT cup on my leg whilst trying to punch those damn buttons on the remote!!

OK, I'm in the car. Easy sailing from here on out. No problems.

Well it was once I figured out how to get both hands onto the key to be able to turn it to star the engine.

By this time I am fairly agitated and forgot all about needing to stop and fill up with gas before hitting the highway heading to work.

Yep, 10 miles down the road it sputtered and died.

No problem, I'll just hitch a ride into town to get to work then later today I'll come back for the car with a can of gas.

Ever notice how many people just wave at you when you are trying to hitch hike? No, probably not since you had a thumb sticking out and they could figure out what you wanted!!!!!!!

"Hey Martha, you see that idiot standin' on the side of the road a wavin' at everybody as they pass?" "Yep, He must be onna tose hippys or sumpthin cause he's a wearin bluejeans and a dirty t shirt"

So as you can see just from this tiny part of my day that it has been somewhat less that fun.

― Ðµdë §téè£, Friday, 16 May 2003 03:07 (twenty-two years ago)

At last...An intelligent response to my original query!

Now I know how Socrates felt.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Friday, 16 May 2003 03:22 (twenty-two years ago)

When he met Plato...Or fell into the aquaduct...I'm not sure.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Friday, 16 May 2003 03:26 (twenty-two years ago)

At least the Bishop wasnt performing "The Golden Ice-Skate"

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Friday, 16 May 2003 10:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Stop hijacking the thread, Jim.

― Matt (Matt), Friday, 16 May 2003 10:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Take this thread to Mexico City, and have a helicopter standing by.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Friday, 16 May 2003 10:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Or i'll kill CJ and Dude Steel.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Friday, 16 May 2003 10:51 (twenty-two years ago)

I mean it

/waves box-cutter menacingly

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Friday, 16 May 2003 10:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Stop playing Vice City, you silly little man.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Friday, 16 May 2003 12:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Butt out, Linkey, I've always wanted to go to Mexico.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Friday, 16 May 2003 16:24 (twenty-two years ago)

*struggles valiantly to escape Jarlr'mai's grasp (and avoid the box-cutter), kicks him in the shins and runs away*

Quick, someone, lend me a motorbike!

― C J (C J), Friday, 16 May 2003 18:24 (twenty-two years ago)

Here's a motorbike.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Friday, 16 May 2003 20:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Put me down, there’s been a misunderstanding.

― Rex (Rex), Friday, 16 May 2003 21:10 (twenty-two years ago)

Quiet, Rex - I need you to do the map reading. How to we get to the M6 from here?

Thanks for the Fireblade, Lynskey, but I'd have preferred a red one to make me look, you know, sort of *flashy*. Ah well.

― C J (C J), Friday, 16 May 2003 21:22 (twenty-two years ago)

How entertaining. Does anyone have any crisps?

― Matt (Matt), Friday, 16 May 2003 21:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Here, have some crisps.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Saturday, 17 May 2003 01:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Those are not crisps, those are the desperate half-articulated cravings of the oppressed submerged millions, yearning to be free!

― Rex (Rex), Saturday, 17 May 2003 01:30 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm not quite desparate but oh god how I yearn!

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Saturday, 17 May 2003 02:26 (twenty-two years ago)

They're tasty.

― Matt (Matt), Saturday, 17 May 2003 09:16 (twenty-two years ago)

does anybody have five hundred pounds in used tenners?

― Matt (Matt), Saturday, 17 May 2003 09:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Have I fuck.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Saturday, 17 May 2003 12:34 (twenty-two years ago)

What?

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Saturday, 17 May 2003 14:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Vholt?

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Saturday, 17 May 2003 15:15 (twenty-two years ago)

hskhee?

― Matt (Matt), Saturday, 17 May 2003 15:43 (twenty-two years ago)

I have a question: you know that album by Eric Clapton and Ginger Baker and Mr Steven Winwood et al? You know the one! Of course you do: that one.

Well.... is it any good? Obviously, I have never bought it, ever, even though I rather like blues and have a bakelite statue of Alexis Korner in my bathroom.

Are there any people brazen enough to have listened to the album with the cover just strewn over the shag pile carpet for all to see?

Thank you in advance for any forthcoming information. A line of Brian Eno to the first person who gives me a definitive answer without using the mystery word (breasts).

― Pooster (pooster), Saturday, 17 May 2003 16:56 (twenty-two years ago)

DAMN!

I SO wanted to go to Mexico!

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Saturday, 17 May 2003 17:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Me too. But hey! if we can't go to Mexico, let's bring Mexico here instead...

http://www.artoftravel.com/images/mexico.jpg

― C J (C J), Sunday, 18 May 2003 10:15 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.worldcup101.com/img/mascot86.jpg

― C J (C J), Sunday, 18 May 2003 10:17 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.gobazaar.co.uk/prodbig/1579.jpg

― C J (C J), Sunday, 18 May 2003 10:18 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.dirtysanchezthemovie.com/images/ecard/sanchez.jpg

― Pooster (pooster), Sunday, 18 May 2003 13:17 (twenty-two years ago)

The Blind Faith album is not at all bad, Marty. The tracks "Can't Find My Way Home" and "Prescence of the Lord" are particularly good.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Sunday, 18 May 2003 13:53 (twenty-two years ago)

In keeping with the Mexican theme which seems to have developed on this thread, you will see from the Mexican flag draped on the wall that this a picture of some girl who is horribly, horribly drunk in a Mexican restaurant.

http://pic8.picturetrail.com/VOL228/1126104/2123671/25569373.jpg

― C J (C J), Sunday, 18 May 2003 14:14 (twenty-two years ago)

And having visited your online photo album, CJ, I can hazard a guess at the identity of the girl depicted...

― Rex (Rex), Sunday, 18 May 2003 15:15 (twenty-two years ago)

"Prescence of the Lord"

I was in the "Prescence of the Lord" once.

I was asleep, night, I think it was. Anyway, I wake up and there's God standing at the foot of my bed! I freaked, man! She was black and She was wearing that kinky underwear from Frederic's and She said "Motherfucker. What do you WANT!" (really, really 'cool' Gods shout a lot) Well, as I said, I was freaked out and I said (like a fool)"Oh God? Could I have one more day?" "Sure, shithead," She says, "no problem." "You stupid twit." I'm not really sure about that last line but I think that's what I heard.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Sunday, 18 May 2003 21:49 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.lewrockwell.com/wallace/zoidberg.jpg

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Sunday, 18 May 2003 22:54 (twenty-two years ago)

stop it

― Matt (Matt), Sunday, 18 May 2003 22:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Ouch! My shins.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Monday, 19 May 2003 13:38 (twenty-two years ago)

That's the sort of lightning-quick reaction time one might expect from a Diplodocus (which is one my favourite sauropods, as it happens).

Sorry about kicking you. I just panicked, that's all - like you do when you're being held hostage by a maniac with a box-cutter - but THEN I REALISED SOMETHING IMPORTANT!! None of this is real, is it?

― C J (C J), Monday, 19 May 2003 13:58 (twenty-two years ago)

I really, really miss those sauropods.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Monday, 19 May 2003 22:49 (twenty-two years ago)

one year passes...

Me too.

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 3 August 2004 19:36 (twenty-one years ago)

CJ- thanks for reminding me how the link to the Mexican restaurant pic fails to work for me.
I am still fascinated by what the relevant drunk looks like. Your mystique lives on...

― Weebleman (StillSimon), Tuesday, 3 August 2004 20:26 (twenty-one years ago)

So does Mis-Teeq, though she sings better than I do. A bit. Except when I'm drunk.

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 4 August 2004 10:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Guillermo 'Percebe', el marinero?

― Michael White (Hereward), Wednesday, 4 August 2004 21:20 (twenty-one years ago)

The resemblance is uncanny, now you come to mention it.

― C J (C J), Thursday, 5 August 2004 10:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Damn...

I wish I was smarter.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Friday, 6 August 2004 14:13 (twenty-one years ago)

'Were' smarter Clown. 'Were'! *Strangles hapless passersby*

http://www.dbis.ns.ca/~stirling/gramch09.html

Sorry, had a slight fit of pedantry there. I never know which words they've programmed me to react to nowdays.

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 6 August 2004 15:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Did it occur to you that, just possibly, our estimable colleague Zen Clown was not at all in a wistfully subjunctive mood over what might be and is not, but rather was expressing an impotent and pointless wish solely in regard to an irretrievably past state of his intelligence (aka "the dear departed")? Well, did it? Huh? Well, huh?

[Mutters to himself, "Of all the cheek!" Huffs inaudibly.]

― Aimless (the unlogged), Friday, 6 August 2004 16:02 (twenty-one years ago)

Ha! I heard you Aimless! Inaudible my mandible.

*Impales tour bus full of German toursists*

They've given some terribly odd triggers. Mandible?! Where did that come from?

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 6 August 2004 16:31 (twenty-one years ago)

Probably you misheard "mandrill" while under the anesthetic. Or possibly you were given "mandrake" and "infindibula" as two triggers, but you ran them together, like a prat.

― Aimless The Unlogged, Friday, 6 August 2004 16:36 (twenty-one years ago)

No sooner had you said it, than I fell. Pratfalls R me.

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 6 August 2004 16:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy!

(Marty are you TRYING to make a fool of yourself?)

No, but when smart people are talking, I feel 'left out'.

(That's because you are an idiot.)

Ner...

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Sunday, 8 August 2004 23:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh, BTY, Mr. White mispeled a wurd...hahahahahahahahaha...

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Sunday, 8 August 2004 23:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Aimless spelled a word too correctly, can you guess which one?

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 12 August 2004 16:58 (twenty-one years ago)

I forgive Aimless for anything he does or appears to do. He believes that he lives in an imaginary land on the west coast of America and everyone knows that there is nothing west of those mountains which everyone knows are the end of the world. Michael White suffers from the same delusion. I don't know where they really are but I suspect that that they may be somewhere in Ohio and like Dude Steel, have no idea where they really are. It's similar to people who think that Ormskirk is a real place.

Oh, hell, who am I to talk. I am a doorman for a chihuahua.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Saturday, 14 August 2004 07:55 (twenty-one years ago)

A noble profession of unparalleled distinction, Herr Clown. From what I hear through my contacts with the Pets of Subjugated Humans association, you're doing a splendid job and are a credit to your species, whateverr that may be.

From Bishop Berkeley's POV, as from mine, there's simply no proof that Missouri exists though I'm polite enough to refrain from insisting on this point in public.

― Michael White (Hereward), Saturday, 14 August 2004 19:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Hoho Mr Clown. You love Ormskirk, and you want to live here. For where else could you see THIS?

http://www.craftguildwestlancs.co.uk/deryk_bailey/big%20ormskirk.JPG

― Matt (Matt), Sunday, 15 August 2004 01:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Ormskirk.

― Matt (Matt), Sunday, 15 August 2004 01:27 (twenty-one years ago)

Timeo Ormskirkios et dona ferentes

― Weebleman (StillSimon), Tuesday, 17 August 2004 17:37 (twenty-one years ago)

Regarding that picture: See tha woman on the far right? The one walking away? I HAD her one night. I did. I have the scars to prove it.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 17 August 2004 20:32 (twenty-one years ago)

Most of the things Ormskirkers can give you are now curable, right?

― Michael White (Hereward), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Not everything, Michael. One of the things I have aquired from these fuckers is a higher intelligence. I strongly suspect that they are Mensans. Whether they know it or not.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Thursday, 19 August 2004 09:08 (twenty-one years ago)

Mens sana in corpare sano, to be precise.

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 19 August 2004 17:07 (twenty-one years ago)

There's a mens' sauna in Ormskirk?

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 19 August 2004 17:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Corpare?

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 19 August 2004 21:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Pay no attention to Matt. I have heard that he sits down when he pees.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Friday, 20 August 2004 09:23 (twenty-one years ago)

I do. I'm a girl.

― Matt (Matt), Friday, 20 August 2004 21:27 (twenty-one years ago)

Well, Matt. I refuse to bring your gender into question. What IS questionable is the rumor that you pee while sitting on people's sofas. I really don't belive that, of course, but if you come to MY house...bring a lawn chair. I'll put some papers on the floor. No problem.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Saturday, 21 August 2004 02:51 (twenty-one years ago)

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