You wouldn't have looked at me twice, but then...

Ok, Robin, we have you surrounded. Put that eXistenZ-esQue bonegun down put your hands on top of your head. Oh, you've hit your head on a light fitting whilst complying with my request. There's a fucking shock.

Yes, and I can see your brother covering you from the back with his "Paul, have you heard of a guitarist called Juan Pablo Denzien Bellmast McFly?" Gun (listen, I just don't fucking care, ok!). Tell him to drop his weapon and get in the riot van too.

Well, if it isn't Robin of Sherwood come to rob the rich seam of AAD threads and distribute them to poorer message boards everywhere! How selfless and charitable to want to assist the floundering threads of iVillage! Pardon? Oh, I see. You're not Robin of Sherwood. So we can't make puerile jokes about Friar Tuck, then? Okay, fair enough.

Are you the red red robin? I know a song about you! No?

The Gotham City Crimefighter's sidekick, then? Holy knickers, Batman. Pow! Thwack! Kerplunk! Fnnuuh! No? I thought not. It's just that I was temporarily confused by that mask you are wearing, and all that figure-hugging lycra. (smiles and averts eyes demurely)

Please let me go. The dearth of amusing material on this board is hardly my fault - I'm new here, and I don't know anyone. Plus I'm a bit thick (which I realise - technically - ought to work to my advantage, but anyway).

Oh hang on - I've just re-read upthread and realised that women are allowed to leave quietly taking their posts with them. Phew! I'll be off then.............

(that was close)

Not so fast, CJ! I’m afraid you’ve BECOME HYSTERICAL, as leading ladies invariably do in these sexist old Robin Makenzee afternoon thrillers (sponsored by Horlicks). Strictly speaking I’m obliged to Slap You, but that would be frankly barbaric when the same effect can be achieved by medication. Now just open wide…

http://graphics7.nytimes.com/images/2003/05/16/obituaries/16CND_HILLER.184.jpg

I hope you've washed your hands.

Goddam limey faggot thinkin's you fucking steal fuckin posts you fuckin pinko faggot limey faggot pinko limey fuck. I'M GONNA KICK YOUR FUCKIN ASS.

Now look what you've done McKenzie, you're precipitate actions have resulted in entirely forseeable consequences, namely letting Christopher out again.

Those anger management classes are working well, then?

FUCK YOU! If I wanna tell some goddam faggot pinko limey that I'm gonna kick his fuckin's pansy queer ass then I'll fuckin' tell him that I'm gonna
(with a regal grace unseen since the days of BOADICEA, SUE DENIM sneaks up behind the verbose figure of Christopher and places a bag over his head, then drags him off to a location undisclosed, to do with as she sees fit)

That's that then.

So it would seem.

*blink* *blink*

And what's that faint cry we hear has he is carried off, it's hard to tell due to the bag on his head but it sounds a bit like "Explanation CJ check your email". Haunting stuff, we shall never see his like again.

FUCK. Just lost the whole boiling lot. All I will reiterate about the epic I just wrote was that I ended up with my nose just 3cm away from CJ's open but fully clothed thighs. Mmmmm... thighs. Mmmmm... CJ.

(That's all I will reiterate because that is all I remember.)

I feel that I must speak in my own defense......

I was not trying to sneak out with the children, well OK , I was trying to sneak out with the children but I was only going along with them for their own protection.

I mean really, do any of you want your children wandering around on these boards without adult supervision?? Think about it.... We all know what kind of sleazy peverted mindless freaks hang out on some of the lesser boards. God forbid that they stumble upon a Blissium thread.

Does that make me a coward?

Does that make me any less of a man?

Does the seam on the back of my stockings look straight?

Here, have some stocking pins.

Anyone have a hatpin?

Thanks Lynskey.

I'll just stick them into the bone like this . . . . .

See that's mush betr. Hey who turned the rooooooommmm.

Did yu put shomshing on those pinshh.?/

I feel faint.... ****(spins dramatically to the ground striking the classic pose with the back of right hand held to forehead)**** cue oddly moody music and giggling of children in background

meanwhile, on the other side of the world.....

. . . Mr. Stewed Deal is desperately after some pocking sins.

Pockings Inns would like to announce the opening of the "Asphalt Arms", the newest acquisition to their chain of multicultural, multidenominational, multicamerate, multiplex 'fun pubs' with a roadmending theme. Come and join us for a pint of our special Bitumen Brew, while chatting about traffic cones and the schedule of impending motorway resurfacing work planned to coincide neatly with the forthcoming Bank Holiday weekend.

We look forward to seeing you there. Please bring your own brazier.

This is similar to a plan I once had to cut out the middleman by stocking all pubs in student towns with an ample supply of roadsigns, cones etc ('course the joke was on them as all these items were designed to explode with the force of a daisy-cutter precisely one hour after they'd left the pub - that'll learn 'em).

I got my brazier from Victoria's Secret. Her secret is that she is really a man and is a 16-stone print worker from Rotherham. Great knockers though.

Thanks for shattering my illusion.

Isn't that the title of a Gunz and Fucken' Roses album?

Hey! Thanks for wandering into my dream, and treading on my baby carrots, you fucking Fascist! - subconscious Steve Hillage bootleg.

You'll be wanting to get that looked at, a subconscious Steve Hillage can lead to all sorts of problems. Particularly Gongs, a nasty, cluster-type disease.

And why stop at the latex mask?

http://www.thetmanshow.com/ttms/images/bikini/3.jpg

I have a latex mask of a scary white-haired dirty old man which I bought from Partymania in Oxford. I don't wear it though, because I discovered that it makes me feel all sweaty, claustrophobic and panicky.

A bit like Robin, really.

CJ those symptoms sound alot like excitement as well.

Are you sure about your diagnosis?

While you have the mask on are you overcome by the urge to put on a raincoat .... nothing else ..... and go wandering about the local park?

Have you been craving Scotch and Nectarines? (this has nothing to do with anything, I was just wondering)

I think you're confusing me with a Tory politician.

Dude, now I sooo have to go try that Scotch and Nectarine combo. Too bad it's 8:30 am and I'm at work. Should make for an interesting day.

CJ, I like the idea of being able, when things get a little weird, to bring out some sub-par Widdecombesque politico to confuse, baffle, and discombobulate my enemies. While they scratch their noggins in bewilderment, zip, I'm out the back door. I'd never use it on you, though, bien entendu.

CJ, I hope I'm not considered to be an enemy because that did leave me scratching my head in bewilderment.... A perfect post!

Michael, A word of caution. That can be a lethal combination, both at the time and the next day as well. Oh, and don't order it at a biker bar either.

Bikers know, Dude, and so should you, that a 'real man' will drink whatever he wnats whenever he wants is. Thanks for the friendly advice nonetheless.

yo CJ, could you be andy warhol for us? as an acquaintance once said of pittsburgh--home of the andy warhol museum--"nice place to visit; wouldn't want to live there"

on the other hand, the beer is phenomenally cheap.

"nice place to visit; wouldn't want to live there"

People say that about me, too.

Could I press the ‘Pause’ button for a moment, just to exculpate myself?

The image included in my posting of May 19th, 2003, seems to have dropped off the twig. In its absence the posting may read as if I am encouraging Robin to shed his garments, almost as if I were a warped old saddo, which I most certainly am not, good heavens, how dare you wag those transcripts of covert surveillance in my face, Chief Inspector Whatever-your-goddam-name-is?

Fortunately the image in question has been archived by those dear kind people at the Internet Archive, so here it is again:

I am sure you will agree that everything has now been cleared up to the total satisfaction of everyone, so please may I have my binoculars, infra-red camera and X-ray spectacles back, officer?

Yes, but I'm afraid these bottles of 'palm wine' are staying with us.