SHIT

The post's title is very interesting. If we are to believe Rossiter Kennedy's intensive study on message board structure, "Adventures in Post-Ink Formation" (Harper Press, 1998) then the thread title is paramount, often detailing the posters real feelings towards the subject expounded in the body text. Our title here is "Shit". I'd be tempted to read this as an attempted insinuation of disgust towards Legree's "niggers", but the rest of the text makes too many references to the sloppy arts to ignore that possibility.

So let us explore the body text. Our opening salvo "You know that smell when you've stepped in it?" is a reasoned plea for commonality between our author and his readership. Despite declaring his presence with what is basically a swear word, this man demands empathy by attempting to draw upon an inferred and shared past experience. Does this, then, equal a kind of pastoral chuminess or a more sinister, desperate plea for kinship? At this point it is not clear.

"Niggers smell like they've rolled around in it!" makes things more apparent. The exclamation mark is a telling device. Is it to express that most prevailent of message board traits, wackiness, or is it there to imply surprise at the previous statement. This reviewer believes it is surprise, that might be a value judgement. This typographic protestation only detracts from the statement, giving it less authenticity and therefore less power.

"Maybe that's why they have shit covered skin and call each other dog?". Further problems here. The rhetorical nature of the statement seems poor in terms of the actualities of rhetoric. Again, the wording seems to make the phrase unsure of itself, the "maybe" weakens the whole thing grammatically and the "dog" reference jars. The subject of canines has not previously been seen and comes across wholly out of place.

"...But you know the difference between a nigger and dog turd?". No, no, no, no, no. More examples here of undermining the authors attempt at a mini "Turner Diaries". Spoiling his invenctive with the opening word of a sentence seems to be Legree's linguistic specialty. The "but", so much another sore thumb, is again giving less credibility to what has come before, as if the opening salvo, which lets face it is very strong and inflammatory subject matter, is a mere Jerome K Jerome-esque idle thought.

However, the introduction of the "dog turd" is one of the better linguistic turns. We've been introduced to the visual image of the dog (however poorly) in the previous lines and the fecal has never been far from any text we've been exposed to so far. If it is an attempt at bringing together subject matter so disparate it is verging on the fractal, it can count as a partial success. More power to your resolution, Mr. Legree!

It must be said though, that this falls down with a clunky punchline. The tri-sectioned bon mot cannot fail to repel the reader with it's continued upbeat tone. If Legree wishes to engage the subject of racial politics, another exclamation mark ending a sentence is an awful addition. Have more belief in your ideals, man! If you are taking an extreme view, then for God's sake appear to be on a solid foundation or more centrist thought will always be able to find holes, even if it is just because of the weight of banality it can evoke, being centreist. I suggest a quick read of Johnathon Swift's "A Modest Proposal" for a lesson in how to make an extreme line seem more forceful by maintaining a tone of near-academia. Oh and you don't need an apostrophe before "and".

The sudden interjection of Thomas Jefferson is ghastly. The ribald, playful tone of previous statements jars horribly with this invocation of history. There are no quotations or references to back up this citation, leaving it a flat and suspicious. You could have easily attributed this view that "niggers eliminated waste partially through their skin" to Winston Churchill or Crispian Mills and we'd be none the wiser. As an attempt to inform the reader and place the piece in a wider context, it is deeply flawed. Qualifying this with words like "shitskin" makes me only shake my head. Even when writing in disgust or anger (or possibly both, as you seem to be doing here despite your attempts at frivolity) good grammar and an appropriate tone should not be thought of as the icing on the cake, they are the cake itself. It needs to maintained as a must to give even the most brutal of opinions the neccesary weight to stop it flying off into the literary void, which your piece does with absolutely no sense of vertigo.

"And perhaps niggers have shit skin, and niggers have over 3/4 of the world's AIDS". To invoke the Times review of Naked Lunch, "Ugh". (Burroughs haphazard masterpiece of the agit-garde is a major unspoken pointer for you here. I suggest delving into it to understand better how to present the extreme in a powerful and emotionally engaging way). This sentence is below comment, being so gramatically incorrect as to be senseless and providing the reader with an extremely jarring introduction of AIDS as a subject matter. Kudos for remembering AIDS should be entirely capitalised though. Go back and rethink this section, it needs work.

And so we come to the final denoument, "AIDS: is from all the shit smelling shitskin shitheads' shit packing!!". You have systematically failed to provide a link between the contraction of the HIV virus and your previous arguements about scat and ethnicity, yet you offer us this for your conclusion? Schoolboy error! The conclusion of any piece should be a brief recap of themes and evidence, with possibly an afterthought to leave the reader with a sense of achievement and stimulation. Your finale fails on every count and your dubious biology is never going to be accepted. How strange it is that one who constantly asks questions about links between "niggers" and "shit" should be the one who fills his last twenty seven word sentence with five instances of the word "shit". In argumentative prose, clarity of thought is everything and here you are seeming to get down and dirty with the "dogs" you have previously cited.

In conclusion, this is a poor piece and not suitable for our new bi-quartely magazine - "Ask A Drunk presents the World's Most Insecure Racists". We appreciate the insecurity, but the standard of prose we expect is sorely lacking. You, may, however find other publishers out there willing to give your piece an airing (I believe Bang magazine is bringing out a "Viva La Klan" style sister mag soon). We appreciate you spending the time to write to us and your boundless enthusiasm for your subject matter. In these days of mass apathy it is a delight to behold.

Thanks for your time.

I, however, concur.

I'd get in line again for that ride.

You know that smell when you've stepped in it? Niggers smell like they've rolled around in it. Maybe that's why they have shit colored skin and call each other "dog!"

You know the difference between a dog turd and nigger?

Eventually the turd dries up, TURNS WHITE, and stops smelling like shit!

Thomas Jefferson beleived niggers eliminated waste partially through their skin. I guess that is partially shit skins give off a shit smell. And why niggers have shit colored skin and Africa has 2/3 of the world's AIDS; from all the shit skin shitheads' shit packing!! ;-)

Posted by: Simon Legree
04/21/2003, 06:13:16

Edit

You know that smell when you've stepped in it? Niggers smell like they've rolled around in it! Maybe that's why they have shit covered skin and call each other "dog?"

...But you know the difference between a nigger and dog turd? Eventually the turd dries up, turns WHITE, and stops smelling like shit!

Thomas Jefferson through his observations beleived that niggers eliminated waste partially through their skin. I guess this is partially why shit skins discharge a shit smell. And perhaps niggers have shit skin, and Africa has over 70% of the world's AIDS; from all the shit skin shit smelling, shitheads' shit packing!!

What in the hell do waterfalls have to do with shit? Furthermore, what...Oh, wait,...I see it now.

Nevermind.

http://www.the-tls.co.uk/

http://www.tlc3d.com/enter.html

I say spray them with Napalm and set them on fire.

Well if you are screwing in asshole then sticking it in the vagina, as pleasent as it is, and having that kind of unhygenic fucking. Then a piece of the shit crust on the weanie may just drop off in the vagina. And the sperm may run into it on the way to the egg. (Or however it is shitskins reproduce?) Anyways the fact that Africa has so much of AIDS is not from being clean. As the man pointed out. And maybe negroes do have that smell and color because occationly one will stick his infection injection in the right hole. Making it far worse when fecal matter is put in a deep opening such as the vagina. Anyways douchebag the rest of it was put in a question form as this forum asks. And I found it quite funny and true.

Is what I meant. At least stick in the mouth first to get a clean suck after a mean shit fuck!

I realize that this little interjection has almost nothing to do with the thread except for my allusion to SHIT.

we're sailing up Shit Creek!

I for one find the whole notion singularly unappelaing. Especially in light of new evidence exposing Jefferon's early tie-in with the toilet paper company whose primary product advertised by the slogan, "Soaking up more excretement per square inch than your mother's favorite hand quilted shawl."

At least I'm not crippled by rudeboyitis though. I before E except after C and all. Although to introduce the word 'excretement' into the English language might be fun. If Eminem hasn't already done it, that inventive young bastard.

Now there's a thought: Indian fans of Eminem... when they kill their girlfriends, how do they fit them into the trunk of their elephant?

I feel, if I am to join this commune, that I must tell you I consider it my duty to pay almost no heed to grammar and puncuation or the like. In my part of the world, properly spelled words are chains. Bindings. Merely the way the man limits our thinking. Mind control if you will. No sir. They will not educate me. Ever!

As foretold by my great wrinkled redneck granpappy:

Holding me close with his blue vein marbled, liver spotted, crusty yellow nailed claw of a hand, (he had always had a suprisingly strong vise-like grip, even now on his bed of death), he muttered in a manner so that the rest of the family gathered round could not decipher, "You are one stupid sumbitch and you's always gonna be one stupid sumbitch. Now get the hell outta here so your granmammy can give me one last ride in the coochie mobile fer I pass on to the great yonder. Stupid sumbitch."

So, given this great revelation some many odd years ago, you may quite clearly consider it an absolute refusal on my part to spell check or proof read or anything I submit here. Besides, that's what editors get payed for.

An’ yew young ’uns, you jest lissen here. Ah’ll have yew ta know – take thyat god-dyamn ex-praysh-yun offa yore face, young CJ, ’less yew’s wantin’ a good ole-fashion larrupin’! (whatever that may be) – that rudeboy is a veteran contributor to the old Ask A Drunk, now making his debut on the new one. So show some respect. Take your hands out of each other’s pockets, stop muttering obscene insults in Kurdish, and let’s have no more puncturing the tyres of his wheelchair or unstitching his surgical support. Let me remind you that Aimless, rudeboy and I have a combined age of two hundred and ten. Why, we’re almost old enough to go into Israeli politics. So show some RESPECKT, ya hear? Crumb-bums.

* goes off muttering *

And you know the ladies, they do count it quite a thrill to sneak a peek at, what I am told, are one delightful set of buttocks. Perhaps we'll fetch him on the morrow. At first light. After the ladies have had their fill of him - (if you know what I mean - wink wink).

It's getting crowded in here now, innit? Has there been some sort of recruitment drive? Have people been out on the streets drumming up trade with the promise of free booze and a glimpse of comely thigh? Has Lynskey been prowling around after dark, shaking folk warmly by the throat and encouraging them to be part of AAD? Has Matt been charming the ladies with his witty repartee and recommendations for a good bottle of vino collapso? Has Pooster been sending more random love letters? Has Zen Clown been befuddling people's minds until they accidentally fall in through this site's open doorway in search of a quiet, darkened corner in which to huddle? Has Rex been doing, you know, that thing that Rex does?

The winds of change are blowing through the board. Or at least something is, anyway. Damned Rogan Josh.

PS: CJ... do you actually have pictures of Comely Thigh? Ahh, the best scrumping days of my life were spent in that idyllic little hamlet. Until it was horribly cut short by a combination of boy-ly upper thigh, gravity, and lichen-covered tree limb.

No one ever welcomed ME aboard!

There I was, washed up on the beach of AAD, naked, drunk, cut and bruised; a pathetic blob of human ambergris unacknowledged and stepped over.

I'm going to cry now. No! No, leave me alone. I'll be alright.

Shit!

Here I am, washed up on the beach of AAD, naked, drunk, cut and bruised; a pathetic blob of human ambergris unacknowledged and stepped over?

we had your card marked from there on in, pal.

Poets used to be in the habit of extolling the charms of their mistresses by claiming that their complexions were as white as any snow, their lips as red as cherries, and so on. I'm afraid the effect on my imagination when I tried to picture these monsters of inappropriate coloration was less than erotic. All I could see in my mind's eye was something akin to the walking dead, but more garish.

One can only wonder what color their shit was (to bring this thought back on topic)...

It staggers the imagination.

BLISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHIT!!!!!!!

I applaud.