Back Once Again With The Renegade Master

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I'm back.

Where have I been? I've been inside Marks' head. There are some interesting areas to be found and some proper bodyhorror to behold too. I apologise for my abscence. I've also been to Derbyshire on holiday.

The best bit of the holiday was a cave called the Devils Arse. I imagine them having some horrible legal battle for their domain name with a grotesque gay porn site. The tour was lead by a wonderful woman with a great sing song shouty voice who banged on about horrible ways to die and the exploits of smugglers. If only I had a dictaphone to sample her so I could put her to a disco beat. Maybe next time.

Whatever, I'm back.

Also, I will be DJing at a gig in Manchester in a few weeks, so your assignment is this - what will I play?

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Thursday, 26 June 2003 13:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Go on, play Mint Royale

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 26 June 2003 13:39 (twenty-two years ago)

tennis?

― Weebleman (StillSimon), Friday, 27 June 2003 20:06 (twenty-two years ago)

You could have a 'soundtrack' evening: Oliver!, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (I'm sorry, I've never seen this, or The Sound of Music, or One of our Dinosaurs is Missing - I'm not a true British person, you see), One of our Dinosaurs is Missing, and Robocop. Failing that, you could have a Desert Island Discs evening - it's not too late to phone Alexandr Soljhenetsin.

― Pooster (pooster), Sunday, 29 June 2003 09:25 (twenty-two years ago)

I think you should just have "Grandma, We Love You" by St Winifred's School Choir looped to play continuously all evening.

― C J (C J), Sunday, 29 June 2003 17:15 (twenty-two years ago)

I concure.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Sunday, 29 June 2003 20:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Um, dare I ask, what sort of gig? And, in particular, what age people? Charmed as I am by CJ's suggestion, I have a feeling that anybody under 103 may not react with compete enthusiasm.

Is this perhaps a wedding? A bar mitvah? A third engagement party? A wake? A coming out? The sad occasion of Bonzo's neutering?

More info please.

― Weebleman (StillSimon), Sunday, 29 June 2003 20:41 (twenty-two years ago)

When I say compete, I of course mean complete. I sincerely hope that we do not have anyone suffering from compete enthusiasm- I get quite enough of that crap at work.

― Weebleman (StillSimon), Sunday, 29 June 2003 20:44 (twenty-two years ago)

That girl out of St Winifred's School Choir. You know, the ugly one. Where is she now?

― Pooster (pooster), Sunday, 29 June 2003 21:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Dead. Car accident.

The audience will be full of cooler than thou people with interesting clothes who all smell wierd. There will be at least one weasly boy in a hooded top known as Rick who's some sort of creative person. He will never, ever buy anyone a drink.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Sunday, 29 June 2003 22:31 (twenty-two years ago)

That's not Rick, that's Rex.

― Pooster (pooster), Sunday, 29 June 2003 22:53 (twenty-two years ago)

That's no Rex, that's my wife.

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 30 June 2003 11:44 (twenty-two years ago)

That's not your wife, that's the Ancient Nordic God, Thor.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Tuesday, 1 July 2003 11:01 (twenty-two years ago)

That's no ancient Nordic God Thor, that's the crankshaft from a 1956 Hillman Imp.

― Matt (Matt), Tuesday, 1 July 2003 14:54 (twenty-two years ago)

That's no crankshaft, that's the light airy feeling you get whence descending in a hot air balloon.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Tuesday, 1 July 2003 16:49 (twenty-two years ago)

No, that's flatulence. Lay off the baked beans, eh?

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 1 July 2003 21:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Them's no baked beans, them's his wife, or something.

― Matt (Matt), Tuesday, 1 July 2003 23:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Something. Definitely Something.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 11:00 (twenty-two years ago)

This message board has become a travesty of its former self. I turn my back, and what do I find? CJ posting banal flatulence comments, Dude Steel linking to random beer sites (like, kewl!), and Jarlr'mai treading on CJ's toes, with a treatise about falling in ditches. I'm going to email Wilf Lunn right now, to see if he can't pep things up a bit. Maybe we can have a virtual 'one of those things that streaks around the top of the living room wall and makes a shrieking noise but you can't catch it cos it's too fast' or perhaps his arch-enemy Kit Williams has a few ideas to get the ball rolling. He does rolling balls very very well - his clock in Cheltenham is peerless. It has at least 12 rolling balls, that roll every hour, on the hour. And it blows bubbles. And, if I'm not very much mistaken, it plays 'I'm forever blowing'. I bet you don't get that in Ormskirk, eh! What do they use for their novelty 'get the public in, they don't know shit' clock? Oh, that's right. A clock tower. Never seen any cabbages or cauliflowers coming out of it tho. I seem to remember there was a gorgeous 18-yr-old on the knocked-off power tools stall on Saturdays though.

― Pooster (pooster), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 13:03 (twenty-two years ago)

PS: I'm just learning this Internet thing. Can anyone recommend any good female pole-vaulting galleries?

― Pooster (pooster), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 13:05 (twenty-two years ago)

See? This is all I can find! That's not arousing!

http://www.real-sports.com/mag/images/oly_track_dragila2.jpg

― Pooster (pooster), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 13:08 (twenty-two years ago)

that WASN'T the devil's arse. please sense a SASE for prompt return of your crisp wrappers.

― hurley (hurley), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 18:48 (twenty-two years ago)

That clock blows bubbles out of a fish. And a pretend cow pretends to jump over a pretend moon. It's beautiful.

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 19:23 (twenty-two years ago)

CJ... you bring a smile to my lips whatever you say... go on... post a random quote from the FT.

― Pooster (pooster), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 22:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Ah, Ask a Drunk's back, jolly good.

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 23:45 (twenty-two years ago)

The ceremony to break ground for the long envisioned Ormskirk Hovercraft Facility will take place on Saturday, July 5th, at 10 AM.

Pooster, of course, is not invited due to his previous blasphemous remarks reguarding Ormskirk, the proverbial diamond in the goat's ass of the Universe.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Thursday, 3 July 2003 02:11 (twenty-two years ago)

And another thing, Mister Pooster. Ormskirk's Clock Tower was the inspiration for that famous nursery rhyme "Hickory Dickory Dock". Grant you it wasn't mice that "ran up the clock" but three whores being persued by Calvinists. One was caught and two escaped. Obviously, "Hickory dickory dock, three whores ran up the clock", was not suitable for Calvinist children so the story was changed somewhat. The Ormskirk Clock Tower? That's a famous fucking structure, Man.

Ner.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Thursday, 3 July 2003 02:43 (twenty-two years ago)

That cannot be right. Can you imagine anyone with a Merseyside accent saying 'Hickory dickory dock'? They'd be in palatal spasm before the end of the first line.

― Pooster (pooster), Thursday, 3 July 2003 17:34 (twenty-two years ago)

I am still struggling with the concept of a fucking structure. I was of course aware of the Erotic Gherkin, but I confess that I'd missed its more famous cousin.

― Weebleman (StillSimon), Thursday, 3 July 2003 19:59 (twenty-two years ago)

I just spent a long time beatifying you all... but because I split my time betwen Apple fucking Macs and PCs, I pressed the wrong key and nullified my fairy-dust posting. How calm I am! How resigned to the fact that Macs will be around even when we are dust! Awaiting the day that Macs do indeed go the way of all plastic, consider yourselves all beatified. Particularly Weebleman, upon whom my treatise was based.
X Jon

― Pooster (pooster), Thursday, 3 July 2003 22:01 (twenty-two years ago)

PS: yes, of course, it would be a glottal spasm. I am a thicko indeed.

― Pooster (pooster), Thursday, 3 July 2003 22:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Fucking halos make your ears hot

― St Weebleman (StillSimon), Friday, 4 July 2003 15:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Hot ears don't bother me. It's the bloody altitude! I'm about to piss my pants...hey...wait a minute...where ARE my pants?

― St. Clown (Zen Clown), Friday, 4 July 2003 23:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Over there, next to the (insert AAD injoke here)

― Matt (Matt), Saturday, 5 July 2003 00:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Must I?

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Saturday, 5 July 2003 00:41 (twenty-two years ago)

It's entirely up to you.

― Matt (Matt), Saturday, 5 July 2003 00:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Speaking as an AAD injoke, I volunteer.

― Rex (Rex), Sunday, 13 July 2003 18:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Off you go then.

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 16 July 2003 00:21 (twenty-two years ago)

* sound of small fat man wading through marshland, whistling to keep his spirits up *

― Rex (Rex), Wednesday, 16 July 2003 21:41 (twenty-two years ago)

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