Lies, damned lies and stasis pods

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Ha well here in Ormskirk we've all long known that notable tanning salon "Tan-U" of Wigan Road is the front for a brothel (discovered when it caught fire one day and out came many embarrassed captains of industry exposed with their doxies to the collective mocking gaze of the public, causing considerable shrinkage). But imagine my shock this afternoon when I accidentally fell through the doors of Church Walks "Sunshine Tanning" to discover that the white coated assistants therein were busy preparing row upon row of decrepit elderly criminals for cryogenic suspension.

When questioned chief cryogenecist Alison Hardiman (34) said "there's not much to tell really. Todays criminal has realised that the heat is on. And one after another are opting to place themselves in a state of stasis, to emerge in a future where a crime-free society will be unable to withstand their larcenous fury"

Young Scally Nathan "Henkiller" Dobbs (17) added "I'm going to stick them with me blade", his companion Barry the unnameable (23) elucidated "since the council installed got CCTV I have found my activites somewhat curtailed vis-a-vis petty theft, vandalism and the intimidation of sensitive art students. Rather than shift the focus of my operations to other areas I had almost decided to retire, until Dr Hardiman (34) approached me with her efficaceous scheme."

His companion then attempted to stick me with his blade. I left, stumbling over a small child (3).

Upon further investigation I discovered that the bewildering proliferation of tanning salons within the town do not only serve to keep the skins of our womenfolk a healthy orange, but are in fact the "fronts" for all manner of illicit activities, ranging from illegal child ludo gambling to the construction of unsafe battleships. To whom should I complain?

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 26 June 2003 13:33 (twenty-two years ago)

on the old LUSENET AAD site someone once posted simple DIY instructions for converting a pair of tanning beds into young frankenstein style mind-swapping machines. i remember the plans called for lots of lead acid wet cells, miles of copper coil, and the obligatory pair of upturned aluminum collanders. the chappie was using the thing mostly for the classic dog/chicken switch -- which, admittedly, is always good for a hat full of change down at the tongue and antlers. except on ladies night.

but here's my question: has anyone ever used one of these contraptions on their mum and the cat when both were passed out drunk on the kitchen floor??

― hurley (hurley), Thursday, 26 June 2003 15:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Robin to thread.

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 26 June 2003 16:59 (twenty-two years ago)

What's that Matt? Putting someone down to get a cheap laugh out of someone you barely know, most unlike you. At at least i didn't sleep with my mums best mate before i was legally allowed to buy caffeine. Although i did comically hit my head on the lampshade first thing this morning, as predicted!

― Robin (RJM), Thursday, 26 June 2003 22:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Speaking as Matt’s mother’s best mate, I really must deny this monstrous slur. I do have some standards, you know.

― Rex (Rex), Thursday, 26 June 2003 23:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Not many, mind. I saw you fucking that windmill. And its kids.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Friday, 27 June 2003 00:01 (twenty-two years ago)

What's that Robin? Only posting something when someone mentions you? Actually the bit about my mother's best mate is true...

― Matt (Matt), Friday, 27 June 2003 09:15 (twenty-two years ago)

but what about the *cat*???

― hurley (hurley), Friday, 27 June 2003 16:38 (twenty-two years ago)

It wasn't available for further comment

― Matt (Matt), Friday, 27 June 2003 23:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't you?

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Sunday, 29 June 2003 22:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Help, can someone pull me out of this ditch?

I appear to have fallen in a stream whilst utterly caned. At 3 in the morning.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Monday, 30 June 2003 09:40 (twenty-two years ago)

Jarlr’mai, why must you always react to problems by trying to escape from them?

The ditch is Good. It contains The Stream Of Life. You should let it bear you along with its great muscular inexorable flow, as all of us mature, balanced, spiritually developed people do, until it brings you to The Weir Of Revelation.

And don’t wake me up at three in the morning again, you selfish, yelling bum.

― Rex (Rex), Tuesday, 1 July 2003 01:57 (twenty-two years ago)

that's no ditch; that's my wife!

― hurley (hurley), Tuesday, 1 July 2003 16:13 (twenty-two years ago)

That's not your wife, that's Commissioner Barbra Teotico Anonnas, Commissioner on the Role of the Filipino Women.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Tuesday, 1 July 2003 16:48 (twenty-two years ago)

That's no Commissioner Barbra Teotico Anonnas, Commissioner on the Role of the Filipino Women, that's a slightly dog-eared copy of the 1967 Faber edition of Larkin's Whitsun Weddings.

― Matt (Matt), Tuesday, 1 July 2003 23:20 (twenty-two years ago)

i see now that you are quite right. silly, really. i best keep looking.

― hurley (hurley), Wednesday, 2 July 2003 15:38 (twenty-two years ago)

But not very far.

Not very far at all.

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Saturday, 5 July 2003 00:42 (twenty-two years ago)

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