IßCJ

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!!!!

See? I told you.

Does she have a hatpin?

My whole experience of CJ contradicts yours, Pooster. This may be explained by the fact that my whole experience of CJ is limited to a fairly painful acquaintance with one Clyde Jenkins during my formative years. In the case of young Master Jenkins, these might more accurately be denoted as my deformative years, as he always did his best to ensure that my neck grew with a 90 degree clockwise twist. He seems to have had an aversion to a widdershins twist, as none of his victims ever reported being the object of such an experiment at Clyde's hands.

The fact that your CJ is female does not convince me that we are not talking about the same person here. Reports reached my ears in my middle twenties that Clyde had submitted to a rather involved and expensive form of Swedish castration and was going by the name of Carla. Therefore, if we are speaking of the same CJ, I have no recourse but to demand satisfaction. Such insults can no more be forgiven than they can be forgotten. Not even in an absinthe-induced stupor, as I can readily attest this very minute!

You, Pooster, may serve as Carla's second. I appoint Weebleman as my second, should he(?) accept.

Therefore I must, in all decency, run a book on the outcome.

THOSE ODDS IN FULL

CJ 7-4 on
CJ Evens
DAVID BECKHAM 10-1
TONY PARSONS, SAMUEL PEPYS, RICHARD NIXON, MO MOWLAM, DYLAN THOMAS, KRISS AKABUSI, DR ROBERT RUNCIE, LEE FROM BLUE 33-1
The rest 100-1 bar.

I wish to use this thread to grovel to CJ in apology for my "barbar" incident in the birthday thread. I realised too late I had come over harshly. Especially to a person who has declared a love for Baldurs Gate.

So without further ado, and the in the style of the Fallaize.

Sorry CJ

Jesus fucking Barracus. Can any forum exist for any length of time before descending into fanboy splutterdom at the mere mention of a "girl"?

No.

Cheers for clearing that up, dogboy.

It is funny you should mention that, Lynskey, as I have been noticing lately that there is definitely a surfeit of girls overtaking the world. Most especially the two-dimensional variety, although these altogether planar girls are adept at cunningly disguising themselves with the attributes normally associated with three-dimensionality, such as shading and perspective.

Moreover, they have discovered how to mass-produce identical copies of themselves, the better to pursue their nefarious plans, which, while somewhat occult, appear to include an overwhelming desire on their part to have us consume large quantities of eye-shadow, sweets, tyres, patent medicines and alcoholic beverages. Why this should be so, I cannot guess.

Whatever the case, I for one do not intend to grovel before any girl for any reason, save sex. I think we can agree that certain liberties are permissable in that highly limited and circumscribed case.

Say again?

He means he has a microscope and a razorblade and he spends far too much time raising two-headed planaria.

Been there. Done that.

Blimey.

This is the nearest thing to speechless that I have ever been in my whole life. I shan't even try and pretend to understand what this is all about (are you drunk again,ister Pooster?), but suffice to say that I am quite gobsmacked to discover I have a thread all of my own on this marvellous board.

I'm moved, people. Truly moved.

That should have read "Mister Pooster" of course, and not that twaddle I typed up there. Oops.

Please attempt to exercise more care with your words. We are, you know highly sophisticated here.

*fart*

Excuse me.

I see we've come to quite a pretty pass here, exchanging airy nothings as it were, whenever the spirit moves us.

I, personally have never been gobsmacked. I've been ramykacked and bumfuzzeled (on seperate occasions of course) but never gobsmacked. I can only hope I live long enough to experience it.

Sometimes I feel like a character in "The Matrix" who *isn't* THE ONE.

Never gobsmacked? I'm flabbergasted!

Jesus, someobody call a doctor, quick!

Does Jesus even have a phone?

I expect so, I mean, he is Jesus, after all. I expect he's got all sorts of neat stuff.

God wouldn't need a phone though, what with being omnipresent and all.

God used to have a telephone but His Jewish mother wouldn't leave Him alone. (e.g.: "G? That black hole You were playing in this morning is getting too close to my roses and the colors in that crab nebula are simply awful. Are You listening to me? You aren't listening are you. Why do You make me suffer like this?" Ect., ect..)

I have come to understand that Jesus carries a pager. Whether it is used for the random late at night "bootie call" I do not know, but local scuttlebutt has it as the subject of ardent debate in the Evangelicanalpiscopaliontist church and one that may cause them to split.

I'm going to hell.

Don't forget omnipotent. That would make a great skinflick: Valucia Hiney vs God.

And before you go off rattling the Googlemeister, I just made up Valucia Hiney. Although, if she did exist, he'd blow her fucking head off come the moneyshot.

On another (possibly less perdition-bound) point - since it's been drawn to my attention that this is supposed to be a homage thread, not a fictitious-deity-vs-fictitious-porn-star-movie-scenario thread - I suspect that I might need to email "that wheelchair guy" as Homer Simpson so accurately described Mr Hawking. I can't get my head around this two-dimensional woman thing. Jordan is quite clearly a three-dimensional creature. And if you add her three-dimensionality to her two-dimensionality, you get five dimensions! That's too many dimensions for a simple sheep-shearer like I.

PS: don't eat the Crab Nebula. Woefully overpriced and Tim Piggott-Smith got lockjaw from it last week. At least, that's what I think he said. It sounded more like: "Ai ock ockyaw omg ye kyag gnegula yast yeek."

This fucking head you mentioned, how long do you suppose one of these might live once blown off and rolling upon the ground? And, do you suppose there might be a Guinness World Record reference? "Live fucking heads in your local grocer's chilled pantry -- next to the styrofoam cup of worms." Correctly marketed it could become the next big commodity.

I've heard of a deacpitated chicken that lives and struts to this very day. So strong is its will to live, rumor has it that even it's violently severed head, kept on the pointy end of a pair of used chopsticks in an open air Asian market, offers a faint cluck from a chipped beak to anyone with a nickel.

Telepathic lungs. Must be.

Terepathic rungs, surely?

Hold'em Goddanm Horses!
Tis da season to be jarry farra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra!

Now, why can't the rest of you write postings like that?

Hang on, I'll try : -

Zounds! Please would you hold those horses which have been damned by Our Lord!

Take heed my friend as this appears to be the season to, for want of a better phrase, be as if a jar.

Salutations! Salutations! Salutations! Excitement! Joy!

Bollocks.

Man! I totally grocked everything until I saw "Bollocks". That was oblique.

Oblique bollocks? The very idea.

Hush with the bollocks thing. There are ladies present. Tsk.

Linky srarted it.

Hogwash. God started it.

Cobblers. Pooster started it.

No, I started with the smack bottom thing, which was even permissible in public in polite Victorian society. Bollocks weren't invented until David Herbert Proverbial-cum-Nightly started it all off in the Thirties. And I was less than born then.

Say, did anybody like Outside by David Bowie? I can't stop listening to it for some reason, and I have decided, as a consequence, that my car needs bass speakers the size of the Elephant House at Chester Zoo. With maybe some tweeters that could accommodate a tapir or two.

Outside is very fine. It's Max Tundra and Pulseprogramming for me at the moment.

I have no opinion on nads.