suddenly my hands smell like coconut

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any idea why?? and if it offends me, how can i cut them both off. you take one and then you've lost your chopping hand!!

― hurley (hurley), Thursday, 14 August 2003 18:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Get thyself a guillotine, my dear lad.

― Aimless, Thursday, 14 August 2003 19:03 (twenty-two years ago)

will check ebay. thanks!

― hurley (hurley), Thursday, 14 August 2003 19:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Hurley,Hurley, Hurley.

Obviously, you have spilled a Pina Colada on yourself and don't remember. If you would, Sir, simply wash your hands and you should smell like vomit or shoe polish or something comfortable and familiar.

If you have already cut one or both of your hands off, I'd like to have it/them to hang in my closet as I enjoy the smell of coconut.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Friday, 15 August 2003 03:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Indeed. Plus,if your skin is in any way flakey, the scrapings could be used to provide a cheap and tasty alternative to the dessicated coconut popularly used to accompany many mediocre desserts. Should rationing ever come back in, you could make a fortune.

― Woodbine (Woodbine), Friday, 15 August 2003 07:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Or you could add them to one of Greenwood's fish curries.

― Matt (Matt), Friday, 15 August 2003 10:55 (twenty-two years ago)

No fish for Mister Greenwood now (and I mean that strictly in a culinary sense), he's gone back to Veggiesism. It's not unknown for him to eat a dessicated coconut and onion sandwich, however.

― Woodbine (Woodbine), Friday, 15 August 2003 11:22 (twenty-two years ago)

After experimenting at lunchtime with VIRTUAL LIMBSHEDDER (TM), I've come to the conclusion that if you are rather deft with a power saw, it is in fact possible to cut off both hands in intermittent time and with minimum effort. It's all in the knee jerk, kids. The trick is to throw said power saw up in the air, in front of you, at nipple height, and to intersect the blade swiftly and upwardly with whichever hand you choose to disembody first. Having done this, employ football keepy-uppy techniques to prevent the saw falling to the floor, by using the knee corresponding with whichever hand you previously chopped. There may be some mess involved. Having successfully 'kept up' the saw by rhythmically bouncing the handle end on one knee, carefully keep time and then bounce it at a 45 degree angle towards the remaining hand, and employ the same sweeping manouvre as before. Apparently if you have bought a reputable power saw, the company will refund the cost of the saw in full should the limb shedding process fail to be 100% successful. Which is rather kind of 'em, if you ask me.

NOTE :- There is a minimal possibility of losing other limbs in this process. But I reckon this is a small price to pay for not having hands which smell of coconut, if they offend you that much.

― Woodbine (Woodbine), Friday, 15 August 2003 11:39 (twenty-two years ago)

thanks for all of the wonderful advice!! however, i realize now that my hands do not actually smell of coconut but are simply on fire. the coconutty smell must be a byproduct of combustion (or maybe some tropical accelerant??). again, thanks for your helpful tips!

― hurley (hurley), Friday, 15 August 2003 13:51 (twenty-two years ago)

SORRY!! that should have been "your helpful tits."

― hurley (hurley), Friday, 15 August 2003 13:51 (twenty-two years ago)

It's a shame you weren't in New York last night then, they may have thought you some sort of Fire-God. People would be chasing you through the streets in the hope of extracting the coconutty elixir from your skin. You'd have been the 'and finally...' item on the news, running through the Bronx to the soundtrack of Disco Inferno. Have you tried putting the flames out, or can you simply not be arsed? I know it would be too much effort for me. I eat microwave meals straight outta the carton.

― Woodbine (Woodbine), Friday, 15 August 2003 14:57 (twenty-two years ago)

frankly i'm having a ball. i should have thought of this a long time ago. things might have gone very differently for me. my dog, however, is not yet on board.

― hurley (hurley), Friday, 15 August 2003 17:54 (twenty-two years ago)

It will be, simply expose it to the correct focus groups and not only will it be on board it will be on message in a matter of minutes.

― Matt (Matt), Tuesday, 19 August 2003 10:26 (twenty-two years ago)

one year passes...

Any news on the dog, yet?

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 12 May 2005 22:24 (twenty years ago)

It met up with a Dalmation, aquired a small step-stool to assist in consumating their union, and are vacationing on the south of France, sniffing "French" things.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Friday, 13 May 2005 01:01 (twenty years ago)

Le bouquet du cul de ce caniche est enivrant!

― M. White (Miguelito), Friday, 13 May 2005 21:30 (twenty years ago)

I don't speak Russian so I don't know what M said.

If he has insulted poodles or pigs, there may be fewer truffles to be had.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Saturday, 14 May 2005 01:31 (twenty years ago)

Hands on fire smelling of coconuts sniffs of gratuitous (and liklely uninvited) groping on the beach.

― MSW (MSW), Tuesday, 17 May 2005 12:52 (twenty years ago)

Stand away from hurley, Mate, before you succomb to silliness and turn this wholesome, intelligent, informative board into a Monty Python skit.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Wednesday, 18 May 2005 06:45 (twenty years ago)

wholesome, intelligent, informative board

Barkeep! Another absinthe for my clownical friend.

― M. White (Miguelito), Wednesday, 18 May 2005 14:51 (twenty years ago)

and keep them coming until he lapses back into his coma. (how are we ever gonna find out what is in his pocket with him awake?)

― Ðµdë §téè£ (Ðµdë §téè£), Thursday, 19 May 2005 00:35 (twenty years ago)

My pocket...yesss...my pocket...They don't know...my precious...what's in our pocket...

(You're having a flashback,Zen.Your mother used to cut the pockets out of your jeans so that you would have something to play with.)

What did you think of my Gollom impression?

(It sucked.)

Sigh.

Barkeep! Absinthe for my friends and I. Moisten the grebes, fondle the mandrills, tune the antelopes, break out the blissium and turn Lynskey over. He's getting white on top and blue on the bottom.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Thursday, 19 May 2005 01:57 (twenty years ago)

It is good to see you are still with us, Mr. Clown. We thought you fell out of the boxcar door a few curves back.

― Aimless (Aimless), Thursday, 19 May 2005 02:38 (twenty years ago)

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