The other Ask A Drunk Christmas thread

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This is the thread where we compete with one another for foisting upon this hideous world the most whimsical Christmas-related blasphemy. Exciting prizes shall not be awarded. I shall be the judge, jury and executioner. If this turns out well, I may change my nom de whoosis to Judge Roi Behan.

― Aimless, Tuesday, 30 December 2003 04:21 (twenty-one years ago) link

Ooh, ooh, is this the thread where I can tell that joke about one of the Wise Men standing on the end of a garden rake and the handle comes up and hits him straight between the eyes, and he cries out "Jesus Christ!". And a voice in the corner said "that's a good name, we were thinking of calling him Fred".

No. Thought not.

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 11:48 (twenty-one years ago) link

if you mount a street-santa's bloody head on an iron spike outside your house, will it keep the other santas away?? or do you have nail the whole damn carcass up??

― hurley (hurley), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 16:58 (twenty-one years ago) link

The whole carcass - and ensure you keep the limbs on, especially the upper body ones. Otherwise it would be 'armless.

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 18:45 (twenty-one years ago) link

Tsk, tsk. You "reached" for that one, eh, CJ?

On that subject, would you climb this ladder and get that book for me? I'll stay down here and hold the ladder. No, not that book, the real high one...

Oh, my, I thought you were a redhead. But then, you probably thought I was a gentleman.

Life is fraught with illusion...

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 23:06 (twenty-one years ago) link

Life is fraught with rude assholes too, but you know all about that, don't you, Mister Clown.

― Zen Clown Critic (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 23:12 (twenty-one years ago) link

Jesus on a cracker, Zen! A man tries to raise the ton around here with a bit of good-natured blasphemy and you come riding in like the Mother of Harlots in estrus, with a snoot full of lowbrow profanity, cocking a snook at your betters. That may do very well on some forums. Actually, it generally does quite well on this forum, too, come to think. But that is no excuse. I will have decorum observed, such as it is.

Worlds apart, you know - blasphemy and profanity - except if you're talking about the Book of Genesis, of course. Ever wonder where Cain and Abel found their wives?

But that's neither here nor there. We are here to make fun of profound religious figures, such as Jesus, his mother, or his mix-and-match fathers. Apostles and miracle tales are also fair game. Extra points awarded for ingenious use of grebes.

― Aimless, Wednesday, 31 December 2003 02:04 (twenty-one years ago) link

a very small jesus or a very large cracker?? or is jesus moving faster than the speed of light (relative to the cracker)??

― hurley (hurley), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 04:38 (twenty-one years ago) link

"And it came to pass that in the small, dusty, smelly, camel/goat/donkey shit littered square of the small village the townspeople had gathered around the half-naked young woman and were preparing to stone her to death. Her crime? The bitch refused to eat bagels...even went so far as to laugh at people who did and the people were infuriated. 'Stone the bitch', they cried, 'stone her!' A man stepped out from among them. 'Let ye among you who is without sin or has refused a bagel, cast the first stone.' The people were ashamed and began to drop their rocks and dispurse when a woman pushed to the front of the crowd, picked up a large stone and like a Major League pitcher threw it at the girl striking her right in the face. The man slowly lowered his head, then raised it and said to the woman,'Why do you have to fuck things up for me, Mom?'"

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 05:34 (twenty-one years ago) link

To which she replied "because you ruined my life, you shit stained weasel, and I want to see you suffer" your point being?

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 1 January 2004 05:50 (twenty-one years ago) link

It didn't turn out too bad.

He has two national holidays a year and She does good to show up as condensation in a window now and then.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Thursday, 1 January 2004 19:13 (twenty-one years ago) link

three months pass...

Remember when Allah turned up in an aubergine in Bradford some years ago? What I want to know is, what happened to the aubergine? Cos they are forbidden from throwing Allah away. So have they still got it? All mouldering away in the fridge?

― Dorien Thomas (Dorien Thomas), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 16:31 (twenty years ago) link

They used it to cook a rather tasty Moussaka, I think.

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 19:07 (twenty years ago) link

Praise be to Allah, the all-knowing, the merciful, and delicious.
*Lowers head to prayer rug.*

― Michael White (Hereward), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 20:56 (twenty years ago) link

My new cookbook Tahini Allah is available from all discerning carvanserais at some unspecified point.

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 23:46 (twenty years ago) link

Our local caravansary was bought by WalMart so they're not what one might call discerning. Maybe the local gas station will pick it up? They've got Jamie and Nigella's books so there's hope.

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 29 April 2004 14:30 (twenty years ago) link

three years pass...

I thought it might be fitting to indulge myself simultaneously in the virtues of wishing all and sundry a pleasant hiatus in the omnipresent theme of tits and booze, while also perpetrating a lazy-minded thread revival. Good idea?

― Aimless, Monday, 24 December 2007 18:20 (seventeen years ago) link

Great revive.

― Lynskey, Monday, 24 December 2007 18:31 (seventeen years ago) link

Wishing you tits and booze for the new year is going on all my last-minute cards.

― Michael White, Monday, 24 December 2007 19:14 (seventeen years ago) link

Now if you would be so kind as to send me some tits full of booze, I could enjoy two of my favorite pass times simultaneously!

Lactation is nice but libation is better......

― Ðµdë §téè£, Tuesday, 25 December 2007 19:53 (seventeen years ago) link

...although in the end, all you are really performing is liposuction.

― Just got offed, Tuesday, 25 December 2007 22:24 (seventeen years ago) link

thirteen years pass...

Wishing a Merry Christmas Afterburn to the desiccated remains of AAD. It was a forum to be reckoned with, making it similar to an abacus, what with all the clacking noises it made when in operation.

― Respectfully Yours, (Aimless), Sunday, 27 December 2020 20:32 (four years ago) link

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