in bizarro world

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in bizarro world: (1) do doctors stuff newborns into chemically dilated vaginas; (2) does the phone ring all the time except when you have a call; (3) is kissing a form of mortal combat; (4) is tinfoil clear and *silent*; (5) are all words simply combinations of numbers; (6) are old people normal; (7) is meat harvested harmlessly and painlessly from the bones of joyful livestock; (8) are salesman priests and priests ritual staplers; (9) is food broadcast; (10) do tots look for dog poop to jump in??

― hurley (hurley), Saturday, 10 January 2004 21:00 (twenty-one years ago)

Waiter!

I'll have what he's having.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Sunday, 11 January 2004 04:01 (twenty-one years ago)

All kidding aside...

I, Zen Clown, can answer many, if not all, of these questions...

#1. Vaginas are quite large and will easily accept a child up to the age of 7.

#2. Phones are usually silent until you want to make a call and then they are "busy".

#3. Kissing is only fatal 83.6 % of the time.

#4. Some tinfoil is quite thick and requires special knowledge and heavy equipment in order to wrap a sandwich.

#5. True, except for the word "slot". That's a real word.

#6. Only after they are dead.

#7. No, no. Meat is grown with artificial light in spare bedrooms by people on parole for growing something else.

#8. Yes.

#9. Yes. FM is the best. AM is harder to chew.

#10. Only if they don't have a dog of their own. ( This disgusting habit of children has caused many parents to take drastic action. See question #1. )

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Sunday, 11 January 2004 05:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Before CJ or some other feminine member of this forum is offended by my crass remarks about vaginas, I want to say that I was just kidding. I really, really like vaginas. Where would we be without vaginas. I mean, really, I owe my bloody, pathetic LIFE to a vagina.

VAGINAS FOREVER!!

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Sunday, 11 January 2004 07:21 (twenty-one years ago)

Don't worry Zen, I wasn't going to get all hysterical. Once, in a moment of interweb madness, my vagina ended up being discussed by gentlemen posters on a thread about refrigerators. I've never really recovered from that.

― C J (C J), Sunday, 11 January 2004 17:07 (twenty-one years ago)

CJ, I am swelling with empathy. The very thought of some rude bastard mentioning your vagina in the same thread as a refrigerator appalls me. If we didn't have that big ocean thing between us, I would offer to kiss it and make it better.

(Oh, shit! Did I say that out loud?)

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Sunday, 11 January 2004 23:21 (twenty-one years ago)

In bizarro world

Everything Zen says makes perfect sense.

Paper is the other dimension where aliens harken from.

Eleven.

Live Rhinos are used as gloves for proctological exams.

Elvis was a dumb hick that just got lucky.

Santa comes every night of the year except one. That one night Antisanta shows up and takes your stuff.

Everyone drives cars powered by snail grease.

Snail grease is free.

Snail grease smells nice.

Snail grease is non polluting.

Snail grease tastes good.

Snail grease is a laundry detergent and a floor wax too.

― Ðµdë §téè£, Sunday, 11 January 2004 23:25 (twenty-one years ago)

The American Dental Association has stated that "Snail grease has been shown to be an effective dentifrice when used in a conscientiously applied program of regular and professional dental care."

Now I don't about that but my floors are the envy of everyone.

Snail grease...

Where would we be without it?

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Monday, 12 January 2004 01:11 (twenty-one years ago)

(Please put the word "know" up there where it belongs. I don't want people to think that I'm a fucking idiot.)

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Monday, 12 January 2004 01:20 (twenty-one years ago)

"are all words simply combinations of numbers"

They already are, They already are.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Monday, 12 January 2004 14:54 (twenty-one years ago)

as in "my daughter just turned snailgrease"??

― hurley (hurley), Monday, 12 January 2004 18:38 (twenty-one years ago)

That's an unusual hobby.

― C J (C J), Monday, 12 January 2004 19:30 (twenty-one years ago)

"my daughter just turned snailgrease"

Does one need a specific type of lathe for that?

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Monday, 12 January 2004 21:35 (twenty-one years ago)

no. a powerful amulet, bit of the true cross, or even a slice of overripe durian will do the trick.

― hurley (hurley), Monday, 12 January 2004 21:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Ah, durian. I haven't had any durian since my stint in Rajapur.

In Bizarro world, of course, it smells good and tastes bad.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 13 January 2004 05:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh, buy the way, Mister Steel, my alien friends resent your remark about them harkening from paper. It's FELT, OK? Not paper. FELT.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 13 January 2004 05:37 (twenty-one years ago)

It felt like paper to me..............

― Ðµdë §téè£, Tuesday, 13 January 2004 21:30 (twenty-one years ago)

It looked like high-grade tungsten to me....

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 14 January 2004 03:28 (twenty-one years ago)

yet it felt like an enterprising eleventh-grader to me....

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 14 January 2004 03:29 (twenty-one years ago)

though it sounded like piss-weak Manc Indie to me...

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 14 January 2004 03:30 (twenty-one years ago)

you know, the kind where the singer has the sort of Ian Curtis fixation which everybody else is too polite to mention, but they know...THEY KNOW..and they mutter to each other at parties "Y'know, Julian, he's great n'all, if only he hadn't taken 'Isolation' so, uh, seriously, y'know?" hen go home and chew their own cheeks out from the futility of it all.

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 14 January 2004 03:33 (twenty-one years ago)

"Bizarro, bizarro, I love you, bizarro, you're only a day away!"

(From the musical "Annie", who, in bizarro world, is a 9 yr. old crack whore.)

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Wednesday, 14 January 2004 04:10 (twenty-one years ago)

In bizarro world, birds swim and fish fly. Women wear pants and men wear earings and...oh...that's here...nevermind.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Wednesday, 14 January 2004 12:42 (twenty-one years ago)

In bizarro world all women are sexually attracted to Zen Clown and throw themselves at his feet.

Must be because they believe that feet are sex organs........

― Ðµdë §téè£, Thursday, 15 January 2004 00:48 (twenty-one years ago)

In bizarro world, Dude Steel's nic is Lady Velvet.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Thursday, 15 January 2004 03:52 (twenty-one years ago)

In bizarro world people go door to door looking for salesmen to buy junk from.

― دیوبندی, Wednesday, 21 January 2004 22:32 (twenty-one years ago)

In Bizarro World that joke was funny (insert emoticon here, which emoticon in particular relies entirely on this question: WHAT DID YOU THINK I MEANT? I MEAN REALLY?)

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 22 January 2004 03:27 (twenty-one years ago)

I understand all of this. I really do.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Thursday, 22 January 2004 04:28 (twenty-one years ago)

In bizarro world Elvis was in the book repository and Marilyn Monroe was on the grassy knoll. They fell dead in their tracks from the laser blasts emminating from the helmet mounted weapon President Kennedy always wears.

― Ðµdë §téè£, Thursday, 22 January 2004 22:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Even to this day.

― Matt (Matt), Friday, 23 January 2004 00:29 (twenty-one years ago)

What? Elvis is STILL dead? I simply must get a television.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Friday, 23 January 2004 01:34 (twenty-one years ago)

four weeks pass...

In bizzarro world I keep an elephant in my pocket.....wanna see it?

― Ðµdë §téè£, Friday, 20 February 2004 04:02 (twenty-one years ago)

In bizarro world my name is Aimless and I wear a hat. A goofy hat.

― Aimless (Aimless), Friday, 20 February 2004 06:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Aimless?

*sigh*

If you would invest in a pair of trousers and wear that hat on your HEAD perhaps people wouldn't move to the other side of the street when you meander about. Personally, I think those dimples above your buttcheeks are charming but then I am usually ignored...

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Friday, 20 February 2004 07:15 (twenty-one years ago)

one month passes...

In Bizarro world, I:-

Always listen to Zen Clown.
Shave my head every morning before I have a shit or a coffee.
Drive on the right-hand side of the road. (Mad, innit.)
Hate my mother.
Love my father.
Tell the opposite of what isn't true.
Read the Bible.
And less.

― Dorien Thomas (Dorien Thomas), Monday, 12 April 2004 20:10 (twenty-one years ago)

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