God's a paradox, Allah's no better, Buddah's lazy . . .

The "internet" it fulfills all of your godly criteria, and its a great supply of free porn, music and games unlike all your other so called gods, I mean when was the last time Allah uploaded a shitload of 15meg RARS to my server containing the latest FPS smash eh?

The .net it sees all (webcams) knows all (google) is everywhere (even china), unleashes plagues (fucking Klez)

So plug in that modem/DSL router/RJ45 and worship the god of information.

I'm going to discover Monotheism in about four turns, until then it's "tin can in the void" time.

Is that tin can attached to another tin can by parsecs of string?

I worship Nietzsche's "Hammer"

Tosser

I like the salamander thing. I could believe in that. If it did unbelievable tricks, other than the ones it already did.

Salamanders have always been the object of hate and/or amazement ... what the heck are you supposed to do with them?*

Personally, I'd like a dream that entirely had to do with the little buggers. Then, I could at least learn their language, which I have so far failed to learn.

*That said, if you hate salamanders, or are ashamed of your own salamander, please send them all to me. They make for uncommonly good eating.

1-When did the Supereme Being Use the Word God for himself?
2-Trinity is the paradox
3-Buddha never asked anyone to worship him

Lynskey - all yours, I think

..by which I mean that I am struggling to convey my irritation in some suitably succinct fashion.

Unless I have slipped on to Ask A Monk by mistake, please let someone else have the benefit of your religious thoughts- perhaps someone who makes Christmas crackers would be interested

DEAR JSENLIB

1. The Supreme Christpops gave himself the name God within minutes of the Bible starting. It's in the first line "in the beginning was the Word and the word was God", in the 'James Bond-esque action sequence before the opening credits' bit that is Genesis. Probably because it sounded a bit like "Bob" or "Rod" or some other quite dependable sounding name.

2. The Paradox is in actual fact a scummy nightclub in Aintree. The kind of Metz n' Regretz joint were you can get blowjobs off thirteen year olds for a fiver. I wish I was lying.

3. Buddha has phoned me up over seventy times during the posting of this message alone, sqwarking the phrase "WORSHIP ME! WORSHIP ME!" like some sort of demented Steptoe. Horrible.

If I am right about anything it's religion. I don't care what mom and dadda, school teachers, men of the cloth, men of the sword or ritual abuse hounds have told you about "what's a=goin' on'", they are lying. Through their teeth.

In the begining, God created the Heavens and the Earth. After He created fermentation and females, He went off to His room with the barred door to get drunk and fuck. In God's absense, the Devil, impatient fellow that He is, was not content to wait for people to die to get them into Hell so in order to create Hell on Earth, He invented religion. In order to have this "Living Hell" embraced by mandkind without question, He put the patent in God's name. (A "devilish" stroke of genius, that.)

1 a - Aren't these the words of one "John"?
1 b - More importantly isn't this just an English translation?

Denying the existance of a Supreme Being is unscientific. It's a claim without proof.

Repent before you

BURN BURN BURN !!!

I don't believe that John mentions the phrase "get drunk and fuck" in any language at all (which is a pity), but I am quite ready for you to share your greater wisdom with us.

I hope that you are just going for some kind of subtle irony here ( God knows I've failed to spot it before), but I very much fear that you may be serious. I really have no desire to conduct a serious argument about religion or anything else with you- observe the title of the forum, for fuck's sake. That said, I have always thought that it is mystically significant that God backwards spells dog ( in English). Weirder yet, both are anagrams of odg.

I thought you were speaking of John Lennon! "I wasn't knockin' it or putting it down, I was just sayin' it as a fact: The Beatles are Bigger than Jesus."

I wouldn't have put it past Lennon to include the commandment "get drunk and fuck" into his creed (the fella once pissed on a bunch of German nuns, for Pete's sake) ... but his "bigger than Jesus" quote nevertheless remains a moot point. So I thought I might do a bit of research.

The "Beatles" and "Jesus Christ" went head to head on Google; here are the results...

Beatles: 2,930,000
Jesus Christ: 3,100,000

Now, I know that the results are slightly skewed, since I used the string "Jesus Christ" to filter out those people who had merely used the name "Jesus" as an expletive. Some bona fide references will have therefore been lost, but on the other hand, some occurrences of "Jesus Christ" used as an expletive will have been included, so I hope you agree that that this rule-of-thumb will pass for the purposes of our survey.

The results show that, although John Lennon's assertion cannot be proved beyond all reasonable doubt, it is really too close to call. Bearing in mind that it took JC 2,000 years to earn his renown, and the Beatles just under 40, it's not looking that good for Christianity.

There again, what happened to the salamander? I miss the little fella.

I'm going to start using "John Lennon!" as an expletive from this day forth. And Jibslip, please cut out the God stuff, this is neither the time nor place. And the "funny" html antics remind me too much of a poor beast we've left behind. Keep it "real".

JSENLIB: I freely admit that at our school (mine & matts) we didn't study R.E. much, but from the little we did learn I was led to believe that the gospels (and most of the bible infact) were dictated by god. Meaning that god must have refered to himself in that way.
(I may be wrong, I am very very drunk and I avoid religion as much as possible, it's safer)

Pooster: I much applaud your research on google, and agree that it must make sense. the beatles and jesus look to be about level pegging.

I am now off to clean up the cats hairballing, and then sleep off the copious ammounts of gin in my system.

I never understood all the fuss when Mr. Lennon correctly said that the Beatles were "bigger than Jesus". A fact is a fact. They also outnumbered him, and they had a larger posse for that matter. A posse of twelve, while impressive, does not begin to match the requirements for your average modern god. Even Caesar Augustus outdid those paltry when he stepped out for the morning paper.

All this begs the question, does size really matter? I shall leave the answer to those qualified to speak.

Yeah but lets face it the "J" boy has got a better drummer and a bigger book deal and he sponsers Ormskirks greatest pub quiz team "Team Jesus" two times runners up in the Windmills "music" quiz overcoming both terrible taste in music and severe lack of vocabulary, geography and logic on the behalf of the quiz meister.

All of those things are impressive, I must admit, but when they march across the duck pond........

...the grebes get pissed off, obviously

In other news JSENLIB has taken to emailing Bible passages to my girlfriend . . . wierd.

Your girlfriend has been e-mailing bible passages to me. Naughty ones. I don't mind some spiritual inspiration now and then but why do they have hair on them?

Because they're not Bible passages, are they Zen? They small chubby Geordie e-shoeshine boys who are now at your beck and call. Whaddya gonna do?

Try to be more discreet?

Let not yours be the outward adorning with braiding of hair, decoration of gold, and wearing of fine clothing, but let it be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable jewel of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

I'm bigger than John Lennon. He weighs practically nothing these days.

Technically, was he buried or cremated? Cremation I can see not leaving a lot, but if you are allowed to include worms, current weight is probably just as it ever was.

but a drastic way to lose weight in preparation for the festivities. Would not amputation of one's non-drinking arm be better?

And now, as I wearily sip from a cocktail in an improbably large glass, sat n a high-backed chair next a roaring fire I turn another page of the archives and reflect on our dear friend JSENLIB. Like Brock, like dear dear Eric Lynch, lost to the ages...