ARSE

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Amalgamated Rabid Soulless Evil
Treasury Department
Attn: Unclaimed Property
P.O. Box 1234
Fellatio, WA 98073

May 3, 2004

Mr. Michael White
123 Speckled Dimple Way
Panty Falls, CA 94117

Dear Sir or Madam:

Our records indicate the following check issued to you by Amalgamated Rabid Soulless Evil (ARSE) remains outstanding,

Check 22678 Issue date 12/20/2000 Check Type Unclaimed Collateral Amount $996.05

To Receive a replacement check: You must provide a clear copy of one form of ID (i.e.: driver's license, company photo ID, indictment, judgment, conviction, passport, and any legal documentation proving ownership of intangible property) or you may have this letter notarized. Please include the original check if possible.

Please contact Philomena Gangrene in the ARSE recovery/unclaimed property deptartment at 123-456-7890 with any questions.

What is this? How come I never got the first check? Should I try to get this cash? Will anyone visit me in prison?

― Michael White (Hereward), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 15:44 (twenty-one years ago)

― Michael White (Hereward), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 15:45 (twenty-one years ago)

And here I thought ARSE was a game played with a basketball - a game, incidentally, I would always lose when I was a wee lad because even when I could find the object in view, I couldn't grasp it sufficiently, no, not even using both hands.

― Aimless (Aimless), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 01:26 (twenty-one years ago)

How did it come to pass that you were invited to play this ARSE game?

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 7 May 2004 20:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe he used to hang out with bums?

― C J (C J), Saturday, 8 May 2004 11:44 (twenty-one years ago)

To quote a great man, who I am sure will make an even greater bloated corpse someday, "Bang! Whoosh!"

― Aimless (Aimless), Monday, 10 May 2004 03:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Damn. There goes the collection agency again.

― Eric Lynch, Tuesday, 11 May 2004 00:28 (twenty-one years ago)

I suggest that Aimless avoided basketball because he is far too sophisticated to indulge in a game that involves running around and "dribbling".

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 11 May 2004 03:20 (twenty-one years ago)

There goes soccer too. Besides, Aimless being sans but wouldn't score much. I imagine he's more into "drubbing". I take it none of you will visit me in prison, but I'm not bitter...yet.

― Michael White (Hereward), Tuesday, 11 May 2004 15:04 (twenty-one years ago)

No. I will not visit you in prison. I might be recognized. Then where would I be? Well, I would be in prison, obviously, and not enjoying it much. Unless there was pie.

I suppose I could bring my own pie, but where would that get me? In prison (!) and having to share my pie!! (No sexual innuendoes were intended or implied in that last sentence.) (Or, none I was aware of.)(Damn! This whole Freudian business has me tied in knots.) (And no, that wasn't intended as sexual, either.) (Sheesh!)

― Aimless (Aimless), Tuesday, 11 May 2004 15:27 (twenty-one years ago)

I like my pie in the clear too with no taint of criminal behaviour or association. Skip the Freudian knots and go right to the Gordion knot, it's a cut above. What is sexual ether?

― Michael White (Hereward), Tuesday, 11 May 2004 15:46 (twenty-one years ago)

Baasketbarr ben verry gud to me.

― Michael White (Hereward), Wednesday, 12 May 2004 04:27 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm stoned.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Thursday, 13 May 2004 06:18 (twenty-one years ago)

'sigh'

If I had the wherewithal to write, I would write an ode to prison pies.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Thursday, 13 May 2004 06:41 (twenty-one years ago)

The pies that prison pries
from our criminal fingers
Some hope inside us dies
yet disconsolate we linger

The pies that prison tries
to keep from getting in her
We're trapped amid our sighs
like some tranny lounge-act singer

The pies, in prison the whys
of forbidden pastry, Getting thinner
No fruitful bouquet, only flies
and the dismal pudding after dinner

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 13 May 2004 14:34 (twenty-one years ago)

That's beautiful.

― C J (C J), Thursday, 13 May 2004 15:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Thank you. I'll be here for the next 10 to 20.

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 13 May 2004 16:07 (twenty-one years ago)

[ile] dismal pudding is my nu luv [/ile]

― Aimless (Aimless), Thursday, 13 May 2004 16:08 (twenty-one years ago)

Dismal Pudding has to be the name of some British college band, no?

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 13 May 2004 17:00 (twenty-one years ago)

Your search - "Dismal Pudding" - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:
- Make sure all words are spelled correctly.
- Try different keywords.
- Try more general keywords.
Also, you can try Google Answers for expert help with your search.

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 13 May 2004 17:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Arctic Roll is a fairly dismal pudding. I'm always disappointed by it.

However, I have a recipe for champagne mousse on a light sponge base topped with kiwi fruit, raspberries and strawberries with an apricot glaze which is not a dismal pudding at all. Also my iced rice pudding topped with tropical fruits steeped in coconut liqueur is quite nice, and not disappointing in the slightest.

I am hungry now.

― C J (C J), Thursday, 13 May 2004 17:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Thanks, now I'm hungry too and stuck at my desk for hours. How dismal.

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 13 May 2004 18:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Just turn those hours into houris and the time will fly by.

― Aimless (Aimless), Thursday, 13 May 2004 18:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Or turn them into hubris, and simply not care.

― C J (C J), Thursday, 13 May 2004 19:00 (twenty-one years ago)

Being stuck at the desk with houris sounds even more harrowing. *Turns menacingly* "Don't you ululate at me, young lady!" Sorry about that. How, CJ, could I possibly be more hubristic than I already am?

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 13 May 2004 20:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Hmm..... I'm not sure, Michael. I have hitherto - perhaps erroneously, who knows? - imagined you chuckling as you type, so maybe you could try gazing at your computer screen with a condescending, possibly even withering, expression instead? There's nothing like a good sneer for upping a chap's hubris.

― C J (C J), Friday, 14 May 2004 05:19 (twenty-one years ago)

I have taken your advice and the monitor has been so humiliated it cowers and looks at me with Margaret Keane eyes and when I get up to get coffee I can hear it sobbing. I'll see if I can get the houris to soothe it, poor thing.

upping a chap's hubris is going on your permanent record and will henceforth be used whenever possible in my personal lexicon.

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 14 May 2004 14:46 (twenty-one years ago)

actually, that is pretty good

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 17 May 2004 22:05 (twenty-one years ago)

Some poppy seeds from this morning's bagel have gotten themselves wedged under the edge of the band-aid (plaster) on my finger. If I leave them there long enough will they act as a painkiller?

― Michael White (Hereward), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 15:07 (twenty-one years ago)

If they enter your bloodstream and migrate to your brain, perhaps.

Incidentlly, the word "painkiller" is also a very good one (said at the risk of upping your hubris yet further). Pain and killing brought together for another tour, but in a good way.

― Aimless (Aimless), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 18:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe I should just charge the old bird gun with an ounce of the poppy seeds and just shoot it into the back of my head. I'llm let you know tomorrow if I'm feeling any pain.

― Michael White (Hereward), Wednesday, 19 May 2004 21:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Not feeling much of anything, but I can't stop obsessing over poppy seeds.

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 20 May 2004 14:38 (twenty-one years ago)

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