Exciting terrorism, coming SOON to a town near you!

1) DUMMY ASSAULT Utilising the latest microtechnologies a zealot will implant chips in all of the waxwork models at Madame Tussauds, loosing them on a murderous rampage upon our dear capital. The theory is that us Brits will simply not be able to inflict injuries upon such much-loved figures as Mick Hucknall and Freddie Mercury, and will instead stand in slack-jawed horror as the Muslim automata wreak havoc upon our Anglo-Saxon faces (the only exception is the newly installed model of Kylie Minogue, which in a move to decimate the morale of the population will track down the fleshy version and face her down in a climactic battle atop Big Ben which may well decide the fate of humanity).

TANK SURPRISE Leading figures from the worlds of television, sport and politics will be knocked out, to re-awaken at the controls of a stolen Challenger Tank let loose in the High street of a dormitory town such as Stevenage or Welwyn Garden City. Psycho-suggestible drugs are fed to them and tiny radios give them the impression that they are fighting in the Gulf War Redux. Drunk with power and patriotism they unwittingly mow down hordes of Saturday afternoon shoppers. Has already occurred in Kidderminster, where Sue Barker could only be stopped by the use of ingeniously deployed attack hovercrafts, and a giant comedy plank.

ROHYPNO-GIN As Britains licensing laws become relaxed, so will the shelves of our off licenses be filled with a tasty and cheap new drink. It looks like Gin, it tastes and smells like Gin, but we are blissfully unaware of the added ingredient - fear and chaos. As our nation becomes hooked on this tasty distillate, downing it in record quantities so we find ourselves blacking out for longer and longer periods of time, waking to find ourselves in a strange land, it looks like England, it smells like England, but all the trains are pulled by horses and everything smells of Patchouli. Be vigilant kids. Do you want to live in a world where trains are pulled by horses? Do you?

BBC4 I haven't really thought this one through..