What is the most recent Award you have received?

I got the "Highest Award for Achievement" mechanical pencil award when I attended the Dale Carnegie course in 1970. (it's true)

"How To Win Friends and Influence People" my ass!

I got a stupid pencil when I REALLY wanted some pussy.

"Most Likely to Survive a Fall Without a Scratch" plaque in bronze with a wood-like plastic base.

Michael?

Would you be interested in trading your plaque for a pencil? (Bragging rights go with it.)

I don't care about еdë's award. It probably has semen on it.

Why is it you think mine doesn't? My aim's pretty bad when I'm drunk too.

a simple wooden plaque for "least likely to get splinters"

Does having a concrete block dropped on one’s face count as an award?

I LOVE concrete blocks!

I'll trade you a pencil for it!

You lucky sod, Rex.

Rex,

Would that be the "Most likely to get a headache" award?

еdë? If you would change that first word to "who" rather than "what"...The answer would be...YOUR WIFE!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...HA!

Oh, jeeze, that didn't come out right.

*Hangs head in shame and goes to stand in the corner.*

That's ok Zen, drunks talk like that sometimes.

She never gets a headache with me, Zen. Maybe you should try some thing besides yelling "Fore" when you're in the mood.

Have you heard of redneck foreplay, Michael? You nudge them and say "Hay. You awake? And then you proceed, wheather they are awake or not.

(Oh lord. I simply MUST lern to spel.)

Like Australian foreplay:

"Brace yourself, Sheila."

An Englishman was making love to his wife. He paused and said,"Darling? Are you alright?" "Why yes." she replied, "In fact I was almost enjoying it. Why do you ask?" "Oh. It's nothing I guess." He said. "It's just that for a fleeting moment...I thought you actually moved."

I've got a gash on my cheek from an "I don`t like you face" award.

Anyway:

ILXor SUCKS
LUSENET ROCKS

Hello.

Ahem. MISTER Ho,

How DARE you sully ilXor...If you persist in your insults...I'll...

*Shut up, Zen.*

Ok.

I have just received a doctorate for my work on the effects of temulency on the syntax of Intemperate Gibberish but I can't make heads or tails out the document.

Wow! You guys are still here! Greetings from Canada... where I got transported to. Hi CJ! Hi Guys! Have you solved any real-world issues yet?

Pooster, I feel you should know that in your absence this ‘Michael White’ fellow has been exercising his silver tongue upon CJ, scheming to lure into his web of concupiscence the fragrant, radiant (etc.) self-employed Oxfordshire businesswoman who is yours alone by long-established Askadrunkian right (though don’t tell Weebleman).

That’s unless he’s you, of course, in which case matters would be governed by the ancient legal principle of ex mallete dives in houmus (sic).

Welcome back.

Were I Pooster, I should not be ashamed to crow on every rooftop, the local constabulary be damned.

Welcome back Pooster. How's Canadia treating you? BTW, CJ should be congratulated on all the attention she's getting. She surely deserves it, non?

I do wish you lot would leave me out of this. I'm just trying to be as bland and insignificant as possible and just blend into the background here. Stop pointing at me.

Hello Pooster, btw. Is Canada very different from Cheltenham?

Look! It's CJ! Look!

Bah! This camouflage isn't working very well.

In deference to CJ's expressed wishes...

Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! I have a frog and a rabbit and I'm going to make them fight to the death!

Ohhh! I bet rabbit! Look! There's CJ!

Aimless, since rabbits and frogs are not natural enemies, you'll have to get them hopping mad.

CJ,you cannot hide. Your radiance brightens the darkest night. Your bewitching smile can cause vicious animals, human or otherwise, to grovel at your feet. Your...

*Zen? Shut up.)

Ok.

Rabbits and Frogs and CJ.... Oh MY!

Repeat (5) times

Links arms with Rex and Aimless (I'm the one in the gingham dress) and skips off down the yellow painted sandstone path singing.....

WEEeeeeeeeeerrrrree Ooooffffff to skin the lizard, the drooling lizard named Zen........etc.

Dude, you can be SUCH an asshole sometimes. I ought to...

Excuse me for a moment.

I have to turn my other side towards the sun.

As in "where the sun don't shine"?

How VERY clever......

I can read between the lines.

I know what you are trying to imply without words.

I know you think that gingham dress is yours but I swear it was my Grandfathers that passed down to my Father and now it is MINE!

The sad thing is that my son doesn't appreciate the dress for what it is. He seems to prefer pleather mini skirts and 6 inch stilletto heels.

Kids these days.

Ah CJ, there you are. I am so sorry to be late; I have been looking for you everywhere.

I trust that you have not been deceived by the lures of the Pooster. He may, arguably, be silver tongued, but he does not have your best interests at heart.

I, on the other hand...

For those of you with a betting interest, the match went as follows.

In a spectacular display of canny defensive science, the frog and rabbit spent roughly 35 hours before the first blow was landed. The frog struck first, accidentally hopping into the rabbit during a slow circuit of the ring. With lightning reflexes the rabbit flinched aside and resumed sniffing out his oponent's weaknesses.

After another 6 hours, during which the frog became lethargic and dull-skinned, but still full of heart, the rabbit became testy from hunger, pounced several times, pinned the frog to the canvas and attempted to gnaw on its hinder leg. The rabbit soon desisted, as the frog put up a stout "inedibility" defense, but the frog was no longer able to continue the bout at the next bell and a TKO was awarded.

At the time the bout was stopped, the judges all had the frog ahead on points.

Figures, the moment I step out to the refreshment stand to buy another round of beers for the house, I miss everything.

That rabbit was doped. I demand a steward's inquiry.

These recent events have left me somewhat confused. Especially Matt betting on the rabbit.

I would have thought he would go with the frog. The word on the street is that he works for one.

Could it be that there is some sort of underhandedness here that I am too thick to disern? I think he only said he was betting on the rabbit while really placing his money on the frog.

Read they news Clown. Before too long all amphibians will be extinct. Some blame global warming, others blame an allergic reaction to reality TV, which they take in through their skin. Either way, rabbit wins, in the long run.

Also, who was ever at it like frogs?

Apart from all of you.

"who was ever at it like frogs?"

Phrases like this remind me of my Yankeeness. I have no idea what it means. I must aquire a "British" english language dictionary. The rascal gives me no context.

Let me guess...Does it have to do with...um...frogs...um...fucking?

Am I right? Do I get an award?

Yes. Have a trophy

http://grove.ufl.edu/~locutus/Pic/MrGnvl/trophy.JPG

Fab! Is that full-size? Do you realize how many coats and hats one could hang on that thing?

*Steps up to podium, fighting back tears,*

*snif* Ladies and Gentlemen, and of course, Matt. *snif* I can't begin to tell you *snif* how honored and at the same time humbled I am to recieve this magnificent, and obviously heavy, award. *snif* Thinking of the events preceding this event, it's *snif* almost like a dream. There were these unlikely animals forced to engage in combat for sport, there was wagering, there was something about frogs fucking, I made a lucky guess and *snif* here I stand, a proud recipiant of this most marvelous award. (That loincloth isn't removable is it? No. Didn't think so.) I must admit that I am somewhat rattled by it's striking resemblance to me. *snif*

I am told that it is solid brass. That means that one day the salvage value alone will more than compensate me for the cost of cartage to my flat. I must close. My emotion is overwhelming. Thank you, thank you all. Should anyone want to shake my hand, pat me on the back or buy me a drink, I will be in the pub next door where I intend to get "pissed as a fart".