From The Dowager

Getting on the move again would make me feel like Wimbledon FC. A torrid state of affairs. As for the Toms, Dicks and Marcellos that may be spying in, I say fair play. One cannot run and hide in increasingly hidden foxholes, there comes a day when the debutante must abandon their green status and declare to all that they are now and experienced, mature revellers who have been fucked in public more than once.

While we are all very fond of the strained oak and tattered sails of HMS Greenspun, there are too many leaks for this crazy boatman to pitch himself to its mast. If we are to reach the land of fine spices and interesting vegetables that is the new world we need a sturdier vessel.

We can still be boarded by random Googlers at Port 80, our crew is anything but skeleton and the rum is exquisite. The sea ahead may look choppy and we are to cross many unmapped waters, but the mainsail is flapping nicely and the pirates are nowhere to be seen.

For god's sake Lynskey, ixnay with the iratespay. You'll attract those strange bods from ILE. Besides, you're making me feel quite seasick.
Now. Any chance of an extra ration of grog matey? Jus' ter settle me vittles.

I agree Rex, As Wallace, Arthur and David pack the last few sock flags, hatpins and jars of cottage piccalilli into their festive hampers, I cant help but notice a hostility beginning to lurk in the foggy realms of AAD.

Xven as we slowly feed like some kind of sick parasite from the digital-lactose of the xuphorically titled ILX, we still yearn for a deeper bitterness, a darker metaphor, or bigger hamper than the next man. With regular evil such as “notorious terrorist Matthew ‘The Hyena’ Fallaize” and with the site now being “administered by a degenerate trisexual, properly clad in skin-tight rubber and a urine-soaked surgical mask”… I really must ask, IS ANYONE SAFE FROM THESE MONSTERS? I certainly wouldn’t want to meet one in an empty thread.

Rehabilitation? Regime change? Who knows where the answer lies, but something must be done to stop these people who are desensitising us to the world around us.

Just the other day I saw an anonymous helpless sea bird, fighting for its right to party, but felt no compassion towards the oil ridden little shit. Instead I proceeded to point and laugh at the creature, mocking it, as if I were but a small spoilt child with a Waitrose Platinum Card. Sickening I know, but almost entirely subconscious. But the pain does not end their....ive started to drink ink, eat clocks, and excrete feathers in some kind of bodily ethical backfire.

Doctors, councillors, psychologists, gather here and tame these vexatious merciless figures who terrorize our families.

Anyone know any good locksmiths?

Yours broken already? Need you be told again that...

"locks are shit and are probably made out of dangerous materials by underage and underpaid kids"

Ill say no more.

The locks of my hair are inpenetrable. No one may pick them, no matter how nimble their fingers are.

You selling any of these "hair locks?" Are they suitable for bedroom doors?

Sure, but you'll just end up looking like this

Would he? Really?
Mmmmmmmmm! Better get a REALLY strong lock.

Where does that expression "lock, stock and barrell" actually come from?

Latvia.

I spent a long time in a Latvian prison before I figured out that their locks were all cheap fakes imported from a small town in western China.

Nothing but folded up paper made to resemble a lock!

Imagine my chagrined look when it rained and the lock just dissolved.

BUT, that does explain why all of the guards only had pictures of keys on their keyrings.

Loch, stock, and Beryl was originally a moral tale about a young lady trying to make soup with the water of a Scottish lake, wasn't it?

She wasn't all that moral, as I recall. The sequel, Snatch, was even worse, for obvious reasons.

What did they try to make soup from in that film?

The soup was a very subtle mixture of pristine mountain springwater and the double fermented wine better known as vinegar.

It was the distillation process that was the problem.