Introducing the All New Ask A Drunk

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The Old Ask A Drunk forum was getting stale. No, it wasn't just the aroma of Dude Steele's undershorts. The characters, the plot, the gags - all were sagging like the breasts of a centenarian. It was time to introduce some new blood, some different curtains on the set and a fresh new outlook stolen from some other forum. It was time to reformulate.

Therefore, starting today, the Ask A Drunk forum shall be a lively gathering place, full of swinging young boffins who sip designer liquor demurely from champagne glasses and whose laughter rings like the musical burbling of demented chimpanzees - no, wait - like the the bell of a servant announcing the arrival of the victuals. Whatever. We can work on that.

But, the important thing to remember is that we are all young now, and lovely, and boffable. The old signifiers of our characters are all swept away, shoved out the door like yesterday's dry crusts and moldy refuse that once heaped the floors of the old forum. Our new sponsor is some Finnish upscale distillery that makes perfumed vodka or something.

The new scripts are stuck in re-editing for now. Until they arrive, improvise in your new charactes for a while. If you can't get the hang of the new-look AAD, relax. We can dispose of you properly in just two shakes of a lamb's tail and you won't feel a thing. (Zen, we are converting you into a dinette set. We in the creative team felt this was the only viable solution.)

― Aimless (Aimless), Wednesday, 25 May 2005 18:52 (nineteen years ago)

I'm wet, I'm hungry, and I want my diaper changed right NOW!!!!!!!!!

Wait, is that too young?

― Ðµdë §téè£ (Ðµdë §téè£), Thursday, 26 May 2005 02:24 (nineteen years ago)

That will do for a first-order approximation. Now grab your crotch and rotate your hips. And don't ask me, "What's my motivation?" Just gyrate. We'll deal,with your face later.

Continuity?! Make a note of the wet diapers.

― Aimless (Aimless), Thursday, 26 May 2005 04:13 (nineteen years ago)

Ugh!

I find these mental imagages to be highly distressful to me.

I thought this site would fill my mind with Elves and Faries and frolicking lambs but no...

Wet diapers?

Jeesh.

― Pompousass, Thursday, 26 May 2005 05:41 (nineteen years ago)

It's not so much the shaking of the lamb's tail that annoys me, it's how the beast won't stop bleating. I think you should put the little innocent ovine down now Aimless.

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 26 May 2005 20:04 (nineteen years ago)

Crotch grabbing and gyrating, a la Micheal Jackson, as ordered..... I have this strange urge for a starbucks frappacino (sp?). Here, pass this note to Mary Jane for me.

― Ðµdë §téè£ (Ðµdë §téè£), Thursday, 26 May 2005 21:49 (nineteen years ago)

Have the lamb be a lamb and fetch Dude his monstrous, hybrid Italo-American caffeinated drink. I'll have a double espresso and a shot of grappa.

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 26 May 2005 22:11 (nineteen years ago)

What about the scented vodka? All this talk of coffee you'd think this was the New AA board.

― MSW (MSW), Friday, 27 May 2005 12:14 (nineteen years ago)

Can you all hear me in the back of the room? Good. I've brought with me several mock-ups of Dude's new face. I thought we could have a round-robin critique and then have a vote on the one we like best.

[holds up artist's rendition]

What do you all think of this one?

― Aimless (Aimless), Friday, 27 May 2005 16:39 (nineteen years ago)

Vomits copious jets of grappa tainted coffee.

― M. White (Miguelito), Friday, 27 May 2005 16:46 (nineteen years ago)

I would take that as a positive improvement as my current appearance usually results in the involuntary expulsion of internal organs.

I'm beginning to get dizzy from the gyrating.

Did Mary Jane give you a note to pass back to me?

*****quietly pines away for Mary Jane*****

― Ðµdë §téè£ (Ðµdë §téè£), Friday, 27 May 2005 20:35 (nineteen years ago)

*FOR SALE OR TRADE*

One large rock. Almost perfectly spherical, no moss, possessing an affinity for gravity and instilled with sadistic tendencies.

― Sisyphus, Saturday, 28 May 2005 00:49 (nineteen years ago)

Mary Jane gave me a message to give back to you, Dude. If you want, I could still deliver it, but I'll need to go to my room for my gloves. I split a knuckle once on a guy's tooth and I'm more careful nowadays.

― Aimless (Aimless), Saturday, 28 May 2005 16:23 (nineteen years ago)

I just knew that I could rely on you Aimless.

If it is in email form you may forward it to me that way so as not to have to handle it directly yourself.

― Ðµdë §téè£ (Ðµdë §téè£), Monday, 30 May 2005 01:50 (nineteen years ago)

Oh sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you!

Ðµdë §téè£...How long has it been? I miss you. Remember that morning we woke up naked in the pasture and the cows had shit on us? How we laughed! Just thinking of you makes me wet. You. Your brutally handsome counternance, your eroticly wicked smile, your monogramed handcuffs, that coil of non-chafing rope you always have nearby, the way your Adonis-like body glistens as you emerge from the shower, the sight of your massive man-meat, bobbing, beckoning, begging for my carress...

Oh...wait...that wasn't you...

Nevermind.

― Mary Jane, Monday, 30 May 2005 16:20 (nineteen years ago)

Call me crazy, but this Mary Jane writes like a man.

― MSW (MSW), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 14:35 (nineteen years ago)

grabbing my crotch proved a godsend!! been looking for my carkeys for ages. thanks again AAD -- you're the best!!

― hurley (hurley), Thursday, 2 June 2005 17:14 (nineteen years ago)

Call me crazy, but this Mary Jane writes like a man.

George Elliot is my heroine.

― Mary Jane, Friday, 3 June 2005 00:08 (nineteen years ago)

Are you sure your hero isn't Henry Miller?

― MSW (MSW), Friday, 3 June 2005 12:19 (nineteen years ago)

one year passes...

hiya.... anybody out there????

― me, Wednesday, 14 June 2006 01:47 (eighteen years ago)

I'd say that most of them are still in the closet. The one where they keep the mojito fixings.

― M. White (Miguelito), Wednesday, 14 June 2006 13:23 (eighteen years ago)

I'll have you know that "closet" is my dressing room and those mojito fixings "they" keep there were inside a hatbox placed in the locked bottom drawer of a dresser that had been turned to the wall. I suspect you used Dude Steel to detect their presence. That much can be easily deduced.

But what puzzles me most is: how did you discover that Dude moonlights as a truffle pig? He is usually too drunk to divulge this bit of information.

― Aimless (Aimless), Wednesday, 14 June 2006 15:09 (eighteen years ago)

You may have a prediliction for truffle scented martinis, Aimless. I do not. Dude's cocktails are invariably 'off' that way, but the man can sniff out liquor better than anyone I know.

― M. White (Miguelito), Wednesday, 14 June 2006 16:00 (eighteen years ago)

He often tells me of how it was his true calling, his passion, but his mother insisted that he go to college.

― ((Censored)) ((Censored)), Wednesday, 14 June 2006 16:49 (eighteen years ago)

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