Ceramic Douglas-Home

As Ormskirk draws closer and closer to the cyber-utopia that is broadband access it is still in the Dark Ages with regards to plumbed in water and sanitation. As I’m sure you know Rex, a bidet (\bi*det\) was also a small workhorse used to carry supplies and belongings for the European military. Hundreds of dragoons take their bidets (horse type) to the bidet (arse type) at the clock tower every night at 6 to drink and ‘freshen up’.

The procedure has become somewhat of a tourist attraction, people flock from as far as Burscough to see man and his horse walking sparkly-arsed back into the sunset.

Our bidet philistine in Ormskirk clearly lacks motivation to attend the event and has probably fallen for the 2D bidet stunt that so many of our local distributors try to wangle.

My advice to him would be to get off of his arse if he wants to clean it.

I am writing this not knowing whether I will get to the end of my sentence ... because the fan in my computer is starting to sound like a starter-motor buried 6-ft-deep in the permafrost of Ellesmere Island. However ... all's I wanted to say was: forget the original use of a bidet, and use it as the sex-oriented device that it wasn't inteded to be. It's at exactly the right height, and unless you're using it in France, where toilets tend to be tiled rather than carpeted (not so easy on the knees) you ought to be able to justify its existence several times over.

Having lived in Burscough, I know the correct pronunciation ... however, for the benefit of non-Lancastrians, I think a tutorial is in order...?

Different uses of the word Bidet in Ormskirk:

The classic: bidi*t (beady-tea)

A dedicated anal cleanser specifically designed to remove the small ‘beads’ of your last meal that have congealed around your Phil Specter.

The instructive: b*i*dit (bee-eye-ditt)

When winter hits Ormskirk and dozens of influenza ridden peasants request the whereabouts of the pressure control for bidet. This is the answer they normally receive.

The narrative: bi*di*t? (bye-Di-tea?)

Ormskirkians are not famed for their fluffy love of the royals. This pronunciation became household as dozens of news watchers felt the need to quench the thirst of friends and family after watching their Monarchy death porn.

Ever seen an Austrian toilet?
They have this little shelf at the back, above the water line. It catches whatever falls out of your bottom and stinks the entire room out until you flush. Plus a heavy evacuation carries the danger of "bottom collision" - a most unenjoyable experience.
I think maybe the Austrians are just wierd, or proverbially can't be trusted to sit the right way round on a toilet.

All of Lancashire knows that a bidet (pronounced "bid it") is in fact a device for helping one gain the upper hand in cattle auctions. During these occasions it is easy for one to drift off, and thus miss the sale of a prime heifer. The purpose of the bidet, a small, spiked device attached to the collar of ones Helly Hansen "sports coat" is to prevent sleep, by poking into the face of the fat, pig-fed Tarleton throwback next to you and causing it to "pick a fight".