I've lost my authentic self

Gosh, Anna.
I don't know about finding your "self". It will probably turn up sooner or later.
In the meantime, would you like to borrow mine? It's a little old, hard to start on cold mornings, and you probably wouldn't want it in the shower with you.
I really don't need a "self".
I have this goddamn ego that drives me nuts...

I can see it now: "Hey Zen? Where is your 'self'?"
"I loaned it to Anna. She lost hers and I'm willing to go without."

Anna? If you do borrow my 'self' and you take it into the shower with you...don't drop the soap. I will not be responsible for anything when it is away from me.

Zen I have a feeling this is just a ploy to get someone else to pay your bar bill

Hush!

I'm going for sympathy here.

Anna was very specific on the self she has lost. Missing is her authentic self. Not her whinny self, her egotistical self, her natural self. These all appear to be where expected.

Anna, are you sure you lost it in a box. Perhaps you lost your (authentic) self in a book? Take another look at that thing Aimless was peddling with his shameless self.

Was anyone else reading Aimless' book with a Jamaican lilt?

I tried 'n ah goot so toongue-tied ah fell on me face. You moost read it as Ringo Starr, lad, as Ringo Starr!

I lost my authentic self after being overpowered by Christopher Hitchens' political logic.

Freal.

I lost my authentic self when I chose drugs over tennis, and union pool over saul bellows, and debt consolidation over journalism

I re-discovered my authentic self when I had some "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter", and realised that I really did believe it wasn't anything remotely like butter.

Ah. the Lies of the Lippids - Lurpak Spreadable. Horsefuck. Vaguely spreadable, more likely to rip and tear anything but the most emulsified foil-packed burger baps unless prepped for an indecent amount of time in a lukewarm arena.

One of the UK's many hypermarket chains' knock-off ICBINB monikates itself "Don't Flutter With The Butter". No, Senor Tescothick, I will not wager and gamble with a cuboid of yellow post-petroleum that RATS WILL NOT IMBIBE. A pox on your naming dept. and also upon your department of the making of the products. A damn pox.

Being evil, I often forage for my own spreads, finding ample supply in the "pantries" of ald wimmin. They keep the door on the chain when I come a-callin' but, as with heroin, my kick is intense and the poor materials so prevailent in the doors of said bags is rarely a match for my steel-toed assault.

"I can't believe this is happening!" they say, eyes grey with destiny's random avarice and the ordered desolation of a mind prioritising its last thoughts.

"I can't believe it's not butter" I say, holding my prize aloft, making for the splintered door and a beautiful glittering bowl called FUTURE.

Lynskey, have you morphed into Robert Rankine?

Good to hear from you, Mr. Henty. I've missed you.

This from a man who came back from the dead. Or maybe it was just extreme irritation. Something like that.

I have about two weeks to go.

My impending demise may seem to be a joke but since I am an athiest, I expect it to be as amusing as my life has been.

I do not expect to meet Jesus. I suspect that "life" is like a light bulb...it's on or it's off.

Where do we go when we die? Nowhere. Like the light from a candle, once extinguised, it simply ceases to exist...

In regard to the ultimate nature of life, I find it highly suggestive that a lizard can regenerate its tail after it goes missing, but not its head. However, this cannot explain why so many humans go to such lengths to cover their arse but let their heads go all rotten, willy nilly, like a cabbage on a trash heap. I'd like to give this paradox some further thought, but first I need to go get a stiff drink.

I find it amusing that this thread has gone from "self" to lizards.

Perhaps we ALL should have a stiff drink.

I'm buying.

None for Matt though. He has to cook those frogs and as we all know, an improperly cooked frog can give one indigestion.

(Hey, Zen? Aren't you going acknowledge Aimless for his extremely witty comeback?)

Nah.

(Aren't you concerned that you might sometimes offend people?)

Nah.

I find it interesting that people with a modicum of intelligence would waste their time on a forum like this.

(Hey Zen? What are YOU doing here?)

Well...It's obvious that I have no intelligence, much less a modicum. I have loaned my "self" to Anna and until she returns it, intact, hopefully, I am more or less a non-entity.

(You have not answered my question.)

Hey! Fuck you!

(That's your answer for everything...)

Oh. By the way...

I hope everyone understands that it was Aimless who brought up the subject of lizards and cabbages and drinking.

As a German, I love cabbage and drinking, but I abandoned herpetology years ago.

Lizards...

Sheesh.

I found a bucket nearly full of self loathing ...... anyone happen to misplce this item?

I have it stored in my root cellar until the owner can be found.

I...Since I am magnificent and unselfish, hereby donate this "a" to-- еdë §téè£. I hope that he will cherish it as much as I have.

I have no truckle with self-loathery.

Anna?

When I loaned you my "self", I was totally unaware of how lonely my life might be without it. Oh, sure, I still have my ego, but it seems that it's only purpose is to annoy me.

(Fuck you.)

See what I mean? I've tried to contact Fritz Perls about this situation but he's not answering e-mail. Sigmund is dead and I don't care for cocaine so I am quite at sea about this.

As much as I hate to admit it, Anna, I'm not the man I thought I was. I must request that you return my "self" to me.

(Why don't you shut up, you fucking idiot.)

If you or anyone else would like to have an obnoxious ego...I would be glad to be rid of it.

(Fuck you.)

*sigh*

I have no bone to pick with loathery in general.

I loath almost all generals. Snooty bastards.

Zen, you can have you "self" back. It wasn't very helpful, it get follwing me around trying to touch my bottom. Really quite bothersome. I shall have to go without until I can save up for one of those fancy existential surgeries that are all the go in Hollywood these days.

Aaahhh!

My "self" has returned, intact, thank you.

I apologize about the 'bottom touching' thing. It is, after all, as old as I am and sees most women as 'girls'. I'm sure it just wanted to give you a friendly pat and not fondle you.

O MY GOD! You didn't take it into the shower with you, did you?
I warned you about that.

Zen, can you give Anna the soap back please!

The soap is lying there by the drain. Bend over and pick it up.

Anna? You just keep drying your hair. Keep the towel over your eyes. You shouldn't see this.

Oh...and try not to jiggle those things...you distract me.

Odd set up, this.

The punch line was a dilly, too.