Sir,
As a Grand Commander of the Order of St Michael & St George and a former Prime Ministerial Envoy to the Galactic Federation, I had until recently no difficulty in persuading the letters page of The Times to publish my opinions on all topics, from geo-political issues affecting the stability of the developing world to whether drinking lime cordial and muffins while wearing five MCC ties simultaneously is essential (as I have always found) to a healthy sex life.
Of late, however, my considered reflections have been rebuffed, in favour of semi-literate drivel on such subjects as tongue tattooing, pre-natal drug-dealing, celebrity line-dancers undergoing colonic acupuncture, and the controversial computer game Torture Every Member Of The Human Race Simultaneously Whilst Not Changing Your Underwear For A Week.
In view of this lamentable decline in the value of what was once the indispensable notice board of the British Empire, may I just blub my eyes out and stamp my little feet and scream and scream until Mummy fetches me a clip round the eyeball with her ex-Soviet bayonet and the Community Support Officer pulls out his death ray and blasts me into a mist of radioactive particles?
Yours faithfully,
Basil Nott-Verrey-Goode of that Ilk, OM (pending)
― Rex (Rex), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 19:57 (nineteen years ago)
Sir
Firstly may I take this opportunty to thank you heartily for your observations(!), it is as a mater of course excellent and healthy that this debate is brought into the open, wherupon it can be examined, prodded, if you will, to the satisfaction of all parties concerned.
The letters page of the Times has ever found itself to be on what is, I believe, commonly referred to by the youth of today as "the cutting edge"(!!). Naturally we take pains to concern ourselves with all matters, why as long ago as the early eighties a debate raged (which, if I recall correctly you engaged in yourself) upon the subject of Skiffle, and whether or not it was the music of the damned. Naturally, in this "modern age"(!!!) our readership wishes to turn its informed gaze upon the preoccupations of this sceptred isle, preferably in order to tut at them. Loudly. It is the job, therefore of our "Reader's editor" to copy a pile of letters written to the Manchester Guardian and disguise them by appending the honorific "Sir" to the beginning of each. We don't want to be seen as "fuddy-duddies"(!!!!) now do we?
In conclusion, dude (if I may use the term!!!!!), I suggest that you "chill out"(!!!!!!), in order to avoid "having a cow". Though that last recourse, as with your ties, I have found essential.
Yrs
Edgar Stoat-Handler BA (Oxon) DSO (Bar)
P.S. Fancy penning a piece for our new "Lifestyle magazine"(!!!!!!!) on the vicissitudes of modern life? We've already hired Julie Burchill, so we require another correspondent in the interests of balance, preferably one with his own small truck.
― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 16 March 2006 00:59 (nineteen years ago)
Poor show. Come along chaps, put some effort in.
― Matt (Matt), Tuesday, 21 March 2006 00:00 (nineteen years ago)