Written in blood

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For years Ask A Drunk has been recognised as the Web’s foremost resource for the serial murderer community, so perhaps this is the right place to raise a question which is troubling a lot of us serial killers, viz., aren’t there altogether too many serial killers around these days?

When I started out in 1989 by throttling a man called Ernst Lunch-Bilious and hitting a woman called Eunice Begorrah with a slab of frozen turbot, I was the first serial murderer on my block.

Yet in 2004 the Council announced that this whole block had been selected as ‘designated housing’ for serial murderers, and two years down the line what have we got? Shrieks and hammering from dusk until dawn, plus all day at weekends and on public holidays. A chap can’t get a wink of sleep, so sorely needed after a few hours’ dismembering.

I was only trying to be trendy, to stand out from the crowd, but these days the hip thing to do is apparently not to be a serial killer. We’re ‘naff’ and ‘tacky’ and ‘been there, done that’, according to style bible A Nice Cup of Tea & A Night In (formerly Speared through the Windpipe incorporating Stench).

What are we to do about this throng of talentless imitators? How can we rebuild our glamorous, what-every-kid-wants-to-be image?

― Rex (Rex), Saturday, 18 March 2006 21:29 (nineteen years ago)

I'll drink to that!

As long as you're buying that is.....

― Ðµdë §téè£ (Ðµdë §téè£), Sunday, 19 March 2006 22:46 (nineteen years ago)

hrm.. I say.. we could produce more household names.. everyone knows who dommer is.. I met him.. a very nice fellow... he worked in the Shop with my aunt.. that was before we knew he ate little boys.. shame I do say.. nice fellow

― Gov. Jerry Brown (Uber Alles), Monday, 20 March 2006 05:13 (nineteen years ago)

I would have to agree with dude steel on this one.

Truely a wise choice.

― ((Censored)) ((Censored)), Monday, 20 March 2006 18:21 (nineteen years ago)

Oh dear Lord, is that the best you can do?

Rex is incorrect (much as it pains me to say so, but occasionally these things need to be pointed out). The web's foremost resource for serial killers has for some time been newsgroups/alt.bigknife. Ask a Drunk, whilst quite handy for a rapid point by point breakdown of the "Swiss Technique" (as employed by fifteenth century maniac The Notorious B.E.R.N.E.) and indeed an absolute "Go To" for quick sale of Shivs and Blackjacks (and, of course who can forget Hurley's seminal work "Fifteen Ways to Bury the Corpse of an Inconstant Woman") is but a mere simpering ingenue when laid next to the ongoing killer diaries and real-time video slayings of the aforementioned site.

Oh we try, but my point is, some just aren't trying hard enough.

― Matt (Matt), Tuesday, 21 March 2006 00:10 (nineteen years ago)

Does anyone have what could become a household name? Somethig easily recognized.. ?

― Gov. Jerry Brown (Uber Alles), Tuesday, 21 March 2006 02:37 (nineteen years ago)

I hate to quibble but I have to point out that the fora on several Janes publications have the most useful tips for the modern, industrial murderer though, as it is often noted, they're not really for the serial but for the mass murderer.

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 23 March 2006 18:35 (nineteen years ago)

The problem these days is that people want more of the same. As you can see with movies such as 'Slither' coming out, people don't notice whats been done before. Slither isn't even billed as a remake, and somehow I am the only one who notices this as a blatent rip off of the classic horror flick 'Night of the Creeps'. So in order to become household names we must resort to being unoriginal with names such as "The Slasher." Hell we could probably use "Jack the Ripper", and people would say "Hey! That new killer Jack the Ripper? He scares me shitless!" And it would be said as if the name 'Jack the Ripper' was new, and original.

― ((Censored)) ((Censored)), Thursday, 23 March 2006 19:04 (nineteen years ago)

Random Notes:

Nigel the Shredder

Gavin the Renderer

Miles the Bludgeoner

St. John the Stabber

Trevor the Pummeler

Cosmo the Flayer

Bill the Butcher

Percival the Puncturer

George the Bores-to-Death-er

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 23 March 2006 20:46 (nineteen years ago)

You know what really FREAKY thing I just noticed about all of those serial killers?

EVERY one of them has "the" as their middle name......

NOTICE TO ALL PARENTS OUT THERE

Do Not Give Your Child a Middle Name of "The" Or They Will be Doomed to a Life of Crime!

signed

Michael the Masticator esq.

― Ðµdë §téè£ (Ðµdë §téè£), Friday, 24 March 2006 03:47 (nineteen years ago)

Am I the only one who notices Micheals error. They are doomed to a life of MURDER not crime. Crime is a more general term. They wont rob banks, or anything like that. If they would do that then there might be some hope in thinking "maybe he will bcome an insider trader of stock. Then, wt least, we will get some money out of it." NO! Give them the middle name of "The" and they are doomed to become...A Monster!

― ((Censored)) the Shredder ((Censored)), Friday, 24 March 2006 18:42 (nineteen years ago)

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