Don't bother me now, Janice

She rushed back in the room, her dress slipping off one shoulder. "It's Barry, he's..."

Altogether now............
It's nine oclock on a saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
CJ get stoned again
And Matt orders a double gin

I think, considering that Janice is a trapeze artist of no small reknown, there very well might have been a way for her to have reached the top of the man's head and quickly eliminated any evidence of her means afterwards.

"There's no need to be so abrupt" she sniffed, wiping mucus onto the sequins of her sleeve "he's dead, the Caretaker found him just now"

Another one, Jesus. So much for a quiet after work beer. I followed her through to the Starlight lounge where the caretaker stood over the stiff. "What's the deal?" he paused, far longer than strictly necessary for dramatic emphasis, though it did give me time to notice the trapeze hanging from the ceiling...

In the dry air of the walk in freezer that little click seemed nearly as loud as the click of the locking mechanism on the outside of the freezer door.

"I wonder if I put on my Rum filled leg or my TNT filled leg this morning?" She asked out loud. But no reply came from the sides of beef suspended by the huge stainless steel hooks.

"I guess I'll get bombed either way!" The thought made her giggle a little.

Everyone always loved her giggle. It was a mix of the qualities between the innocence of a child and a sultryness only an experienced woman can have. More than on man had been conquered by that giggle. She knew when and how to use it to her best advantage.

But now was neither the time nor the place.

"Why did I ever come down here to the kitchen based solely on a hunch?" "Well, a hunch AND a note slipped under the door to my room."

"If I hadn't been so drunk at the time, I might have thought about preserving the fingerprints that could have been on the paper!" But nobody parties harder than she does. Not anyone that has ever lived to tell about it the next day that is. She didn't drink people under the table, she would drink them six feet under the ground.

The running joke was that she drinks like she has a hollow leg. SHE DOES HAVE A HOLLOW LEG ! So the joke is on them! She giggled again at that thought.

"If I'm gonna blow the door of this freezer then I'm going to need to pile some of these boxes of food and maybe a cow or two up high enough to be my blast shield."

She busied herself for the next fourty five minutes or so by shuffling boxes and bodies around into a makeshift igloo in the corner farthest from the soon to be gaping hole in the wall.

Most women would have probably completely lost it when they were locked into the freezer by an unseen push from behind, but not her.

Most women probably would have completely lost it when they found the frozen pigs heads in the boxes, but not her.

Most women probably would have completely lost it when they found the frozen bodies of several men behind one of the stacks of boxes, but not her.

She just grabbed one of them by the crotch and said" Davey, Davey, Davey..... you haven't been this hard in simply YEARS!" "Just my luck, find seven stiffs and not one of them is UP for the occasion!"

Once she had everything in place and was ready to blow the door, she started the standard countdown. "Ten....Nine...Eight...Seven (stiffs a freezing).... Six......Five......."

And yet it perplexes me that she even manages to get her foot in the door anywhere.

Gary had been the head chef for the hotel since he returned from overseas about three years ago but he was still fighting the same fight. Just trying to teach some of these morons which side of a knife cuts is a feat unto itself. Let alone finer nuances like which wines work best for cooking what types of meats or why you do not cook eggs with motor oil.

Tommy was his latest slice of walking hell. Tommy could tie his own shoes most of the time but rarely bothered. Tommy had hired in as a busboy but was promoted to assistant chef when the last assistant suddenly dissappeared without a trace. Not that he was a great loss but some people found it odd that all six of the most recent assistant chefs had just up and left town with no notice.

"If you dont pay attention to what you are doing you are gonna wind up being number seven!" Gary roared as he smacked Tommy on the back of the head with a large wooden spoon covered in cake batter.

"I thought I WAS the seventh assistant." Tommy said.

Gary was ready to rant and he wouldn't be drawn into Tommy's stupidity.

"When I say to cut into the joint of the chicken with the point of the knife I MEAN USE THE POINT OF THE KNIFE! Not the middle of the blade, not the butt of the blade, and not the ball point pen you use to dig crap outta you ears either."

"That whole pile of chicken is worthless. You have cut into the articular cartilage and fibrillar collagens. As soon as it begins to cook the meat will shrink back from the joints and the bones will protrude! Ghastly, I'll never serve such trash and have my name associated with it."

Gary was the former owner slash manager slash chef of that famous chain of chicken restaurants called "Charred and Feathered".

Actually infamous is more accurate. Ever since the discovery that they were....

The lack of Mississippi show-girls caused the whole international breeding programme to collapse.
That, coupled with an overdose of face paint to hide the skins natural tone, lead to the breed ending up on the World Wildlife Fund Protected Species list.
Although Denmark had a succeful breeding programme which involved the Little Mermaid, but the taste was never the same
Damm those Denmarkians.

Every television network was offering their version of a group thrown together to see how they would interact amongst themselves. The ratings were the real reason, well, the cash paid for commercial time during the shows was the REAL reason but everyone was riding the wave of reality.

Betty made her choices as to who could be trusted and who could not be trusted very quickly. Elgin, the tall thin guy from the suburbs of Detroit was a theif. No one said that but she knew just by looking at him and watching how he was looking at "things".

Things like the necklace the blonde social worker was wearing and the objects d'art adorning the commons area. Special attention was also being paid to anything opened by a key.

She was still wondering why she auditioned for this show. Deep down inside she knew she did it just to escape the pending marriage proposal from her highschool sweetheart Vincent. Vince wasn't a bad guy, he was very nice. Almost too nice. As a matter of fact he had only tried to kiss Betty once in the six years that they had been a couple. Not that Betty was a slut, or even wanted to be a slut but come on already and grow up Vincent.

She thought of Vincent kind of like Clark Kent, quiet, reserved, quiet, awkward, quiet, and nice. She always hoped that he would morph into her own private SuperMan, but he never did...... so she left.

It was a calculated risk going onto this show. She planned on picking out one of the guys, or girls if there were no men involved, and playing up a romance that was sure to draw attention from the cameras and therefore it would mean face time on the screen. Maybe she would be discovered by some Director or Producer, or maybe Vincent would show up in a jealous rage, or maybe she would simply be another face in the crowd and disappear when the show ended.

Either way something had to happen.

Betty and Mandy were roommates. NOT by choice.

Betty had Mandy pegged as the "easy" girl of the group. The one voted most likely to jump naked into the hot tub screaming "come and get it while it's hot". The one voted most likely to get an ass hat tattoo that says "either end up" with a double ended arrow pointing up towards her head and down towards the crack of her ass.

Betty was tired, it had been a long day and all she wanted was sleep.

You know how can get so tired that it is hard to relax enough to drift off to sleep? The smallest noise sounds a thousand times louder than normal and is a million times more annoying. Like a water drip in the bathtub, or a tree branch barely scratching a window, or the nightly buzzing and moaning from Mandy's side of the room every night. That is where Betty was. She was getting better at blocking out the noise from twelve feet away though and just as she drifted off to sleep she heard or half heard a FWUMP and rattling windows. "Hope you chipped a tooth bitch" was the last thought she had before sleep took her away.

The case was advancing fast, and seemed to have taken in a variety of new locations, Janice had disappeared bneath a blizzard of subplots before she'd even had a chance to finish her sentence, and my syntax was straight out the window. It was all too much. There was one man I had to go and see, one man who could unravel this with a couple of gnomic utterances for which I would later take the credit.

That man, obviously, was..

oops!!!!

*walks into door*

OUCH

-- C J (CJ_The_Unrul...), October 30th, 2006. (later) (userip)

Eh? You what?
-- C J (CJ_The_Unrul...), October 3rd, 2006. (C J)

CUT!

-- Exasperated Director (Ican'tgetaproperdirectingjob@all), October 3rd, 2006

I laughed until I cried while watching the 135 takes of "assiduously applied regimen of inibriety". The one where he said "ass in the briar patch" put me over the edge. I would have sworn that he REALLY WAS DRUNK and not just acting........

What? Giving a stevedore what?

Do you think this is the longest thread in AAD history? We might have broken some kind of record here.

Geoff, I think we should play you backwards, if only to hear you say 'drocer', 'nekorb', and 'gnitrats'.

Or maybe it is just the double vision......

Actually I was avoiding the easy pun and taking the lefthanded approach by going for the ease of cutting the thinner cloth as compared to the 27 ounce canvas Mom uses to make my socks and underwear.

As for the eg remark....... don't go trying to shirr up any trouble around here...... there are Ladies present.

I'm on to you buster.

You keep in mind that I'm on the Board of Direc..... huh? Oh, ok, sure, right away....

Please excuse me, they said it is time for my next dose and I have to go for now.

Fucking awesome