Chessboards Roasting On An Open Fire

Once again any of us out here in MTV's the real world must pretend to be joyous, moronic consumers who look down on those who refuse to join in a sing song or spend eighty pounds on a plastic spinning top for little baby Billy.

See, I don't believe in Christianity, but I do hold strong opinions about how it as a religion is responsible for more death, pain, intolerance, suffering, torture etc. than anything else that hit this planet save for giant asteroids and the tabloid press.

So this year I'm not going to be celebrating Christmas, I'm going to wait until just before Easter (I forget the precise day but let's face it it's going to be a whole holiday season of celebratrix) and celebrate the death of Christ instead.

Suggestions on holiday festivities :-

We need a replacement for Santa. The big jolly Coke advertisement really gives Xmas it's special swing. I nominate Pontius Pilate. But we'll have to rename him so he's more cuddly. I've come up with the name Uncle Pontius. Every Maundy Thursday the cuddly uncle flys across the world dropping bits of rotten Christ flesh down the chimneys of little kids to remind them that the fucker got hung from a piece of wood with nails until he carked it from the pain. Loser.

Instead of the giving of presents, I nominate the stealing of presents. Everyone is allowed to steal one item from a friend or relatives house. So hide those DVD players!

Christmas Carols. Anti-Xmas needs a musical angle too. While they have the tune, I suggest we take the beats. Luke Vibert's excellent remix of DJ Food's "Turtle Soup" should do nicely. We may need lyrics eventually, but I'm sure Andrew Motion will do anything for 50p.

The Traditional Roast. Probably Xmas's biggest mistake as most people present have monster hangovers. I suggest we replace this with headache powder and possibly more booze.

The Christmas Lights. Replaced by a curfew. Dissenters shot with crossbows from close range. Those utter nutballs who like dolling up their homes with a billion watts of sparkly lights are allowed, but will be made to display massive messages on the side of their property such as "Fuck God" and "If you see Jesus, shoot him in the neck until cold".

Midnight Mass. This parade of fairweather Christians will be mirrored by our own brutal and archaic pagan ritual featuring a viewing of "The Last Temptation of Christ" and passages from the Psalms answered in unison by the gathered throng with the phrase "bullshit, Lord"

Soup Kitchens. This parade of fairweater do-gooders should be mirrored with our own offers of liposuction for particularly obese homeless people.

It's early days for this brand new and exciting public holiday, please help me out with more suggestions.