Ask A Drunk

This poll is a travesty and an outrage! I demand more choices! I will sit here cross-legged on the floor with a petulant phiz until all my demands are satisfied.

I throw the floor open for suggestions of more inappropriate possibilities.

Where, pray tell is 'a snort', 'a jigger', 'the pelt of the dog (we don't mess around in these here parts)', 'IV Drip', and 'Morning?! What is that?'?

I feel like I'm at a terrible restaurant being forced to choose things.

Where's "sleep" on that list?

Any answer which isn't a bracing madeira for elevenses is nonsense. One needs a steadier to get through to lunch.

This is Ask a Drunk man, not a bloody health farm.

"La loi, dans un grand souci d'égalité, interdit aux riches comme aux pauvres de coucher sous les ponts, de mendier dans les rues et de voler du pain." - A. France

You see, to some, the ILX hiatus was a veritable swamp of misery, a slough of despond, the acceleration of the end of existence, to us, however, it was more a genial way marker regarding the average length between posts. Hello, chaps.

'Ello, guv'.

Weeks ago I had a long and VERY clever reply.

But the board REFUSED to let me post anything anywhere.

All better now.

The board's been down? Gee. I just attributed it to the blackouts.

Were they rolling blackouts, Aimless, or were you recumbent already.

I see. The last time I blacked out I was rolled, too. My condolences to ILX. I hope the damn punks didn't leave too many bruises. So awkward to explain when you get home in nothing but your underwear.

But hey, you got home, right? Last time I got home, it wasn't even mine.

Last time I had a home it was a cardboard box behind the old walmart.

What kind of payments did you have?

A pack of smokes and at least half a bottle of the finest mad dog 20/20.

I had it all, right up until what is referred to as "the incinerator incident".

Isn't that an intensely poor Guns n' Roses record?

Axl's lyrical skills were sucked out and then re-inserted in his cheeks to plump them up, no?

It works out cheaper

When I have been drinking, I just drink about two litres of orange juice the next morning.

when people start complaining that you drink to much, is it time to slow down?

Still getting the hang.

I am AO, the deposed king of Mindless Prattle.

I have come for the souls of Aimless and Dude Steel and a few others.

Everything else appears to be in order.

HAH!

MY soul is long gone.

As best I remember, I needed a little hair of the dog one morning..... well actually it was late afternoon but I had just got out of bed..... well actually I crawled out from under my bed..... well actually I don't know for sure whose bed it was..... but I digress.....

Long story short, thirsty, Boy I'd trade my, POOF! beer.

Soul? Eh. Just leave my heart alone.

Wait, Dude you traded your poof for a beer?

Wasn't exactly "MY" poof.

I mean he had been handed around the community quite a bit over the last few years.

Besides all that he was getting a bit long in the tooth.....rough around the edges...... kinda lost the dazzle of youth if you know what I mean.

Don't get me wrong..... gray's ok if that's your way.

I'm neither an ageist nor an elderophobe.

This is the sort of place that would give the Greenspun's a raging hard-on. I'm getting a few palpitations myself. 'Greenspun' is so a word. Squiggly red line be damned.

Greetings, A_O. If I stare intensely at my thumb for several minutes I seem to recall you from Mindless Prattle.

More to the point, I have only just discovered that a prebend does not denote the first swig of whiskey from a newly opened bottle, but rather describes the revenue from lands assigned to the Catholic church or some such rot. This crushes me. The world has lost its beauty.

I know what you're doing. Staring at your thumb picturing myself and all the world underneath it. I do that too sometimes.

I remember only three names from MP - yours, Dude Steel and Zen Clown, whom I fear must have succumbed to whatever malady he vaguely referenced on the board from time to time. I had not the heart to ask him the particulars, but I am pleased that you have all carried on as you have.

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

About time this fucking poll closed. It, and my fly.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

yep, yep

HELP! Something woke in the dormatory of my mind to bring me to rejoin the Mindless Prattle souls. Greetings AO the king
of toast, Aimless, DudeSteel, the late Zen and others. I was a regular contributor but have no idea who I was. I think
my address was shown as notmyaddr✧✧✧@hotm✧✧✧.c✧✧. I missed this poll by a few days and am swearing for not picking #2.

In other news, NASA's spacecraft voyager, launched in 1977 and now 10 000 000 000 miles from earth is officially the
second farthest man-made object from earth. Its mission is to reach, orbit, photograph and study the farthest
known man-made object from earth, i.e. the very end of my phallus or possible carbon-based ejecta thereof.

I found myself! I am Calimaty of course. Here is my last MP post from 2005 and the prophecy:

My eyeholes leak. Maybe five or ten years down the road, long after Dr Greenspun spontaneously combusts amidst twenty-seven prostitutes, and the empire of Lusenet falls, yon weary and ravaged prattlers will remember... And with those fingers you'll caress the buttons and fondly reminisc about these times. How could you forget? The cathode rays have burned your sillhouette into the peeling "rustic look" wallpaper. When that day comes, you might remember names, but no faces, and you might consider that your mind has since turned to sand. (By the way I have constructed faces for all of the regular contributors. Rex, you once looked quite similar to that glass you raised). You might search the WWWW (yes, it'll one day reach that level) for one of these names and come across a new forum. One that contains these names as keywords on the front page, welcoming you back home. Then again, maybe not. Maybe we'll all completely lose our minds and we'll see each other in Prattle Heaven / New Heaven / Some Dissociated Plane Where Everyone that Doesn't Have a Place to Go Goes. Excuse me for now, I must get back to putting babies in my freezer. Did I ever tell you of the mocking bird that would'nt sing?

-- Calimaty (notmyadr✧✧✧@hotm✧✧✧.c✧✧), February 03, 2005.

WWWW == When We Were Witty?

When we want whiskey, surely.

Ho! Salvinorated Absynthe too. They say there are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.

what's this e in whisky business? poor show. I mean, I've heard of it, but I never gave the rumours credence. Or clearwater revival, for that matter.

The Irish and us like to do a little 'e' from time to time.

Well naturally, you're only human.

I feel like I have to go out and buy a beer as soon as I'm done drinking the last one in my hand. And I;m almost done. I haven't drank since new years eve but this is not good... I mean I would love to have a beer accompany me for the wahhhhhhhhhhw hahhhhhhhwahhhhha I just want beerrrrrr

I miss being drunk and its really been a long time and I was letting tonight be a night where I can drink freely

So, I wake up from a comfortingly deep, snoring coma and find this, this, this Lorax draped over my supine body, like a foxtail boa around a silent film star's neck, except it stinks of gin and halitosis. Now I am pinned here and I cannot reach anything but empty bottles and a soggy ash tray that smells almost worse than this Lorax. I am getting annoyed.

(prods the Lorax with forefinger)

(gives up, starts to daydream about walruses)

I'm here and now

Last night was the only day I let myself go this past month. I did nothing I regret. However I am still regretful this morning if only because I spent $20

I was offered money to snap a girl's thong (she was showing way too much crack). Thankfully I would never do that

I must say that my friends put a little too much effort trying to get zings in on me last night (2/3 of them were drinking).

IMO doing an Andy Bernard impression (The Office) and singing the "pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty girls" part of Beasts of Burden isn't zingworthy. And especially not pointing out that I'm a constant drinker (obviously untrue) or that I'm swearing (big fucking whoop) or that joke I said wasn't funny enough for insecure non-drinker friend or that interesting thing from mythbusters was somehow an opportuinty to try to zing me for telling it... I think I just have a lot of insecure friends.

funny how the girl in our group can get away with saying some absolutely boring stories (and I just smile and nod) meanwhile I got a target on my back just because insecure dude's try to zing the lady's man (Leon - that's my nickname when I go drinking LOL I like that nickname)

-played a steam punk board game with my friend. I lost but that's how it goes when you play a new board game for the first time
-went out to eat at subway. Enjoyed the tunes on the radio
-bought a 6-pack of PBR tallboys. Watched Macgruber with my friend
-he thought it was dumb (he didn't drink). I thought it was hilarious. Thank you ILX for the recommendation
-friend left. Just chillin' by meself watching Project Runway. Waiting to get a bit more sober so I can drive and buy some smokes of some sort. I barely ever drink or smoke these days
-beach boys poll rocked you guys

Be true to your school even if you don't give a shit about it

hey lorax!

Wacka wacka wacka let's have a night out in the town

partytown usa!

i have steadfastly avoided smokes tonight, but not beers. or snus. god help me.

While it may seem to you two that AAD occupies the same metaphysical space on ilx as an unoccupied chat room, it is far from unoccupied. As a matter of fact,when you came barging in yakking away I was dozing peacefully in the bathtub, where I was taking a short rest from whomping up a batch of bathtub gin.

Fine use of the verb whomping, there, Aimless. Carry on.

http://gs1.wac.edgecastcdn.net/8019B6/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_mekjkxU9l01qa7bh4o1_500.jpg

That man has recently immersed his head and left hand in a bucket of ink. And he has a pointy growth under his nose. What kind of a freak are we entertaining here?