Ringers

Tennis Mixed Doubles - Andre Aggasi and Heavy Brenda from Kiddiminster vs Venus Williams and Callum Fitzhenry, a four year old from Ashby-De-La-Zouch.

Rowing - two international standard teams go head to head with one shit commoner on board. Will they row to his pathetic lager soaked pace or will they risk killing him by going for Olympic speed?

Synchronised Skydiving - One veteral X-treme World Champion of rad air moves and one extremely scared old dear from Nantwich shoved out of a plane and doing stunts for points.

Three-legged ski slalom à la Generation Game: ie one experienced 20-something and his or her offspring or parent. Commentary by Stuart Hall.

PS: Once we've got a bunch of these together, might be worth mailing them to TVGOHOME.com ... they seem to be floundering of recent times........

....Although we might just make the sports section of the Framley Examiner (framleyexaminer.com)

Formula Bound-over car racing: for a limited amount of time, anyone convicted of twocking, drunk or dangerous driving can prevent racking up irksome penalty points on his or her licence (if held at all) by going 60 laps with Mssrs Hakkinen, Montoya, Barrichello and Villeneuve ... whose car wheel hubs have sword blades attached to them, like in that film. You know. That film.

Celebrity Crown Green Bowls: Richard Branson, Bryan Ferry, Stella McCartney and Jennifer Thingy off "Labyrinth" tackle the Bakewell Ladies' Bowling Club in a nail-biting Third Round.

The ProPlus Pan-Cumbria Fishing Championships: semi-professional fly- and coarse-fishermen take on a clinically selected group of narcoleptics in a nailbiting Third Round.

Topliss Darts: Computer-selected professionals with the surname 'Topliss' do battle with various 'pro' beer-raddled, gruntingly lower-class porcines in an effort to once again establish some kind of 21st-century heirarchy of wage scales.

Shit, Jarlr'mai, what have you spawned here? This could go on for absolutely forever!

I should take me leave, but before I do that, let me posit one more.... (think, think....)

OK:

Ironman academy: 100 of the legion of misguided proles who spent more than 60 quid on phone calls but failed to make it into even the audience of WWTBAM are forced to run up and down Ben Nevis, cycle 60 miles, writhe through 60 feet of estuarine mud in Lytham-St-Annes and, as an extra Kryptonfactoresque task, recite an entire chapter of a random Neville Shute novel. Muttered commentary by various St John Ambulance Brigade members and disenfranchised BBC licence-payers.