Todays random Edgehill Email

(mind you, since when is relevance relevant?)

Have I missed something? Has Edge Hill been famous? When did that happen?

Errm... *raises hand in air*

"1/2 the size 1/2 the dropouts" is its motto.

I know nothing about Edgehill other than the fact I saw a gorgeous 19-yr-old in a flowery blue cotton summer dress leading a huge chestnut horse down an olde Englishe countrie lane ... about ten years ago now. And that a bunch of about 13 twats in Caterham Sevens descended on a pub somewhere between there and Banbury and set about intimating that they were considerably richer than the local yeomen.

'Tis a proper nice place though. Full of bees and gated thoroughfares.

Unlike Edgehill in Liverpool, which is renowned only for the fact that George Stephenson was arrested there in a sandstone tunnel, and subsequently hanged for the "Most Violent Determentation of a Minor", viz a certain Alice Blasket, 11, of 55E Sclera Alley, Fazakerley-cum-Loudly.

I don't like or understand it when southerners start talking about 'Oop north'. (sic - THE SUN - 3 April 2003)

I am from the north, and I do not recall ever having said 'oop'. That pronunciation doesn't exist, and it is in the mind of cranially-challenged, suffolky dolts. (And, frankly, who are they to protest? Those fucking fuckers don't even live in the western hemisphere!!!!!!!!! So: you, yes you, in Norwich! FUCK OFF!)

When I say "Up North", I pronounce it exactly as it should be pronounced. With a nice, flat, traditional 'u'. Exactly how the fucking letter 'u' ought to be pronounced.

If anything, those entertaining working-class chappies who go by the name of 'southerners' should be energetically and uncomfortably interrogated. I wager a lifetime's dribble that, even after re-education, they will still be pronouncing 'up north' as 'ap nowwff'. QED ... and fuck you, Johnny Southerner.

However, the ignorant, Cockney-wideboy linguistic Fascists at Wapping insist on lumping us all together, as if we were orang utans in shell-suits.

Well, erm: nope! I challenge every northerner who ever pronounced the word 'up' as 'oop' to stand up and be counted, and then neckshot for treason; and I challenge every southerner not to pronounce the two fucking simple words 'down south' as 'Daaaaarn Saaaarf'. The English language is renowned for its diphthongs. Why oh why oh why do you insist, you ignorant bastards, in wiping out what the Great Vowel Shift did for the heritage that you claim for yourselves? You cunts.

It's a modest request, but one that could get to Daisycutter proportions if the southerners refuse to kowtow.

I am currently eating same, and I have to say, despite all my misgivings, it isn't too shoddy at all. Tastes as authentic as a curried rice snack can be; even smells interesting!

Give one a go, and get back to me with your reactions; as far as instant curry-flavoured vegetarian carbo-meals go, I give it 8 or 9 out of 10. You may wish to argue with me, but there again, you're probably from Suffolk. And next time I see you, you're dead meat.

I feel very sad indeed to have to tell you you are now dead meat.

I am conscient of the inviolable fact that your contributions have been kaleidescopic and far-reaching (far, far, farther reaching than anything I've managed to cobble together) ... but, a promise is a promise. And I am, with reluctant heart and heavy voice, and whiskers, constrained to keep my word.

I shall be waiting for you at the Llandogger Trow hostelry, Bristol Hard, at 9.00 pm sharp. If you are not there, then my promise is forfeit, and I shall greet you in the customary friendly manner to which you are used on the very next occasion of our greeting thereafter. I am sorry, but that is how it stands.

See you there. (Bring Your Own Pistol)

For my part, I have nominated Graham Seed Esquire, who, coincidentally, plays the character of "Nigel Pargetter" in the Radio Four radiophonic serial "The Archers". In fact, if I fail to turn up, please just shoot the bugger anyway.

Could someone please shoot him?

I appear to have missed the duel too, which is a shame because duels are great. Not as great as jewels though. Or Toblerone.

Anyone fancy a sausage? (they're a bit overdone, I'm afraid)

Multiple sausages, perhaps, but singular sausages could be a trick.

Not Pooster, of course. I'm thinking of the groupies.