thread to get over a breakup

flip you, collar farmer

Note, long, whiny post coming:

Aforementioned loony and I got back together for a little while, because she cut way back on drinking and I'm a sucker.

Fast-forward to two weeks ago - she loses her iPhone, I loan her my old iPhone because it's got a crack in the corner of the glass (works fine, but resale is bleh). Now, being an upstanding and trusting sort, I don't erase the year's worth of texts that remain on the phone or my address book/etc.. She proceeds to read a large chunk of these texts, discovers that I was repeatedly frustrated at her drinking more than she knew (as in telling people I was going to avoid her for a night because I didn't want to deal) and that I'd slept with my best friend (before we had ever dated). I explain to her that I was putting with a lot of shit from her re: drinking, and that I never told her about sleeping with best friend because it had happened in the past. She calms down, fine.

That Sunday she sends me a message telling me that I'm not into the relationship enough and that if I want to date other people I should. I point out that I've shown no interest in dating anyone else, and have no intention of doing so. She says no more.

We hang out Tues/Wed, everything's fine.

Thursday she tells me that since she made the offer to date other people to me, that she's going to do so. I tell her I'm not okay with that and want to take the weekend off from our plans. I wanted to see her in person this week to break up in person. A couple of hours later she sends me, out of the blue, "Fuck you asshole, I never want to see you again." I sent back "Okay."

She texts me yesterday with a kind of peace offering, she'd blown up because she'd read more old texts (from before we were dating) and had convinced herself that I had planned to meet a friend's sister in Boston and cheat. I point out that it would be difficult to make those kinds of plans for someone whose phone number I don't even have. I explain this to her and tell her I would never date or be in a relationship with her again, but I'm open to remaining friends.

She asks me to meet her for dinner tonight as a let's-be-friends peace offering. Fine with me, I'm not angry - the breakup has been a huge weight off her shoulders.

Now: a flashback. Recently she's had a habit of telling me about how guys hit on her when she's out with friends or working at her bar. I've seen no reason not to trust her, so I brushed it off each time as her wanting to make me jealous or something. Stupid mind games. One of those times, six weeks ago, she was talking about some 23-year old who hit on her, she was making fun of him, etc.. Made it sound like she'd blown him off.

While eating, we're talking about what each of us is doing after - she's going to watch a movie with... the aforementioned 23-year old.

So the entire time she's been accusing me of cheating (wrongly, in complete honesty I haven't even thought about seeing anyone else since we got together), getting mad that I'm not on the verge of moving in with her and spending all our time together, she's had his number and been in contact. (I do believe that she hadn't seen him or cheated on me, though.)

I really want to send her a message now pointing out the hypocrisy, but I should be the bigger person and cut her out of my life completely, right?

absolutely

get your iphone back first though

does this feel like a weight off your shoulders as well? It seemed like you were at the end of your rope w/her before.

Er, yeah, meant weight off my shoulders actually. Had a great, stress-free weekend. Drinking, girls already have co-workers and friends they want to set me up with, etc.

But now I'm just tremendously pissed. I was okay if it was just her being kind of nuts, but I feel shitty about the way I let her manipulate me into being defensive about nothing when she was thinking about cheating or dropping that "let's date other people" thing on me (all the while being pissed that I wasn't comfortable telling her I was in love).

in love with her or some other girl?

get your iphone back first though

― 囧 (dyao), Tuesday, December 15, 2009 8:53 PM (23 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

did you think about the fact that you had all those text messages on it when you gave it to her? I may totally be overthinking this, but to me it feels like some subconscious desire to be honest w/her and extend trust when it seems like you were conflicted about these things before.

don't fall from the higher moral ground at this late stage, you're some kind of saint to make it this far halo intact tbh

She wanted me to tell her I was in love with her, I would tell her that I didn't know if I was, it was early in the relationship (we were friends with benefits for six months, then actually in a relationship for six months).

I probably will not get the iPhone back. It's worth the $50 I'd get just to never see her again, honestly.

I didn't think about the texts at all, when she lost her phone I just found my old one and took it over.

see, that's the first thing i would have thought of - i can't imagine that guys, in general, don't give as much thought to these privacy issues as women do. Or do they?

Feeling much better after venting now. Maybe I need a livejournal.

it's great that you have friends wanting to set you up and stuff. It seems like you're better off.

I'm in a similar situation to yours milo - all I can say is stick to your guns

john woo style

see, that's the first thing i would have thought of - i can't imagine that guys, in general, don't give as much thought to these privacy issues as women do. Or do they?

― sarahel, Tuesday, December 15, 2009 9:30 PM (1 minute ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

also the first thing i would've done. not even out of some paranoid fear, it just seems like good practice

you have to admit text messages on an iphone look so pretty it's hard NOT to read them

she could have deleted them before reading them or ignored them, but the fact she read them seems pretty understandable and a common impulse.

I just assumed she'd erase and install with her backup. There wasn't anything private enough on there that I'd be worried about it being lost and someone getting the info, and I just assumed she trusted me as I trusted her. And I was open about how much her drinking bothered me.

If it happened again with another girl, I probably still wouldn't erase. It just seems unnecessary, if I'm giving it to someone I'm in a relationship with.

xp - oh, yeah, I wasn't pissed that she pried into them, really. It was her reaction (reading into them info that didn't exist, etc.) that bothered me

if everything you've said to anyone else is something you would feel comfortable saying to her or in front of her, in that particular tone, I could agree. But from my experience, there are always things for which that isn't the case, no matter how much you care for and love your partner.

Reading into things is natural - though unfortunate - but yeah, my sympathies.

it is not reasonable and it is to be expected that you share any genuinely important information as and when it becomes an issue; i am not being idealistic to say that for intelligent folks like yourselves this is the only way it can and should work, and if you can't find a partner who agrees, then that relationship is expendable

we're also back to the cheating vs. reading the diary business.

is she still reading this thread?

hi hoos' ex!

― You are Rebels! You are all yankees (country matters), Thursday, 20 August 2009 21:51 (3 months ago) Bookmark Su

btw - i named a feral cat after LJ.

Yeah, totally, it was never an issue with my ex before, and she had a lot of opportunities. My feeling is that she was (consciously or un-) looking for a reason to justify talking with the 23-year old or wanting to see him, and having my backlog of texts was an opportunity to look for a reason.

finding a reason not to trust you or evidence of some wrongdoing on your part to justify hers?

The latter.

It's the way she sprung that "I want to date other people and you" line then read more old texts (a week after she'd read through them the first time) and came up with a reason to call me an asshole.

and presumably mr. 23 year old isn't gonna give her shit about drinking too much?

Probably, but I don't know. She's seemed serious about cutting back, particularly as she got arrested for a second DWI the night before Thanksgiving (and was too embarrassed to tell me for a week). But then it sounds like she spent the entire weekend drunk...

it's hard when your partner has a serious problem and you need to confront them and tell them they need to fix it, because people expect/want romantic relationships to be more or less unconditional love, it almost flies in the face of that expectation to have your partner tell you that "there is something wrong with you that I can't deal with." This happened to a friend of mine recently, who also ended up breaking up w/his girlfriend as a result of it.

get your iphone back first though

― 囧 (dyao), Tuesday, December 15, 2009 8:53 PM (23 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

― being being kiss-ass fake nice (gbx), Tuesday, December 15, 2009 7:19 PM

i would not be shocked if she registered and lurked

would you be shocked if she sb'd you tho

no I think he'd feel sb'd

shock banned???

sometime boyfriend

The ex I posted about back months ago is pretty much out of sight, out of mind. The funny thing is that friends will occasionally ask me questions about things they've recently heard about or seen her do and it's all so clear how nonsensical it all is. Life makes so much sense now!

it's great when that happens.

otm

have had quite a few things totally make sense now moments recently, but I'm not going to go into it here.

get your iphone back first though

― 囧 (dyao), Tuesday, December 15, 2009 8:53 PM (23 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

― being being kiss-ass fake nice (gbx), Tuesday, December 15, 2009 7:19 PM

― tehresa, Tuesday, December 15, 2009 8:55 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

Things I'm enjoying:

Not having to be nice when she talks about the brilliance of Dean Koontz or her historical romance novels
Not having to be nice when she talks about the telephone medium who totally knew impossible things about her dead brother
Not having to bite my tongue when she criticized people for smoking pot and/or getting overly drunk
Not having to hear that a 3-year old could have painted that Miro/Pollock/etc.

Not to give the picture that it was constant misery (we did get along, obv) but all of the above stick out as having occurred multiple times.

Not having to hear that a 3-year old could have painted that Miro/Pollock/etc

ex gf otm tho

the only 3-year-old whose art I admire more than pollock's is Hunter Age 3

ex gf otm tho

oh dude, ZZZZZZ

:)