ladies in their late 30s (or older) come together to talk about how the whole process or experience of dating has changed for us over the years

fair enough - on to the question raised about the poster's friend -

relationship-retarded - generally an issue of emotional maturity, can also be an issue of workaholicism, or just focus on the guy's career or hobbies, where a relationship would feel like a long distance thing, even if you lived together

sociopath - abusive or potentially abusive

i, too, thought i would use this thread but then decided it might not be the best idea to share too much with the potential joke interjections that will likely come about. i actually have typed three different very lengthy responses to this thread over the last few days and then deleted them before submitting.

it was therapeutic and i didn't have to deal with getting too personal here.

It makes me really really sad if anyone feels unable to post stuff to this thread for fear of joke interactions, especially since this is ILTMI and that has become the culture here.

But the biggest reason I started this thread here was because I do, for some reason (though ha, I probably shouldn't have brought attention to it) still have the power to make those things go away, or even prevent them from happening. Like, I just really want people to feel *OK* about being able to post on this thread. I recognise that maybe that's not compatible with the threat of censorship, but basically if someone is being mean, abusive, jokey about deep serious personal stuff in that hurtful way, we can stop that, in the hopes that it will encourage other people who are maybe not so comfortable with talking to be more honest, open, expressive, say the stuff that will help them, or help someone else who goes "OMG, I get that too!"

But if you find it helpful to type it out and then not hit submit, I guess that's cool, too.

Good point about the difference between relationship retarded and sociopath.

But I kinda wonder about the much thinner line between "relationship retarded" and "asshole" (and which side I'm on. Clearly the wrong side, now I'm feeling shitty about telling someone to get off the thread.)

you can always unban him, K.

No, coz I really really REALLY don't want him on this thread, and I don't actually care if that makes me an asshole.

you can just ban and delete - like roxy on the no boys allowed in room thread - which was pretty conceptually brilliant imo

Good idea, actually.

actually, would like to apologise for being a dick in this thread. relationships are v hard and the thought of not meeting the right person to spend the rest of your life with is kinda terrifiying and nothing to joke about. soz.

Levity is nothing to apologize for.

if a guy tries to play the "it's me or your friends, and your friends all suck" game with me, i am so outta there.

― sarahel

OMG yes. In fact, this was an early warning sign in my horrible abusive relationship that I totally ignored.

"I hate your friends and only want you to be with me" is pretty classic emotional abuse. The sign I personally always had trouble paying attention to was when none of my friends could stand the person I was dating.

just wanted to pop in here and say that it seems laurel's attitudes toward relationships mirror mine, to a large extent. that is all.

xp - yeah, i think i'm a lot less picky about stuff like appearance and must like certain bands, movies, artists, food, books - or like them for the same reasons that i like them than i was in my 20s - and more picky about whether the potential suitor would get along with my friends

Oh, so many relationships built on shared petty grievances.

If this thread is going to be antagonistic towards male contributions I think I'll respectfully stay at a distance - I wanted men's side of the story, so I'm a bit disappointed theyve all had their heads bit off :(

Trayce - K banned Kenan, and now he is unbanned, so i think the antagonism has passed.

Ah cool :) I miss things with this time zone gahrr.

Hang on, no, I did not unban Kenan. Some other mod decided to sneak in here while I was asleep and let him back in.

I have explained why I banned him - and someone, without saying anything, decided to overrule that decision. That seriously does not make me feel very comfortable about continuing this thread. (No one overruled Roxy's decisions about removing posts or banning males from the No Boys Allowed In The Room thread - this is just someone making arbitrary decisions because it was me involved.)

On those grounds, I am just going to lock this thread. If someone else wants to start another thread about dating, then you are welcome to. I want no part in this any more.

I am going to attempt to explain this decision, even though it will probably only contribute to the general "OMG, Kate is INSANE" consensus rather than detract from it.

It's fairly well known, the phenomenon whereby survivors of rape or abuse must try to create a "safe place" before they are able to discuss issues of an extremely personal or sexual nature. Establishing personal boundaries is really extra important. I do not think it's unreasonable for someone in that position to ask for a thread where their boundaries are respected, where they won't be unnecessarily exposed to triggers and where they will not have their experiences held up for insensitive mockery by someone playing for cheap laughs.

Kenan has repeatedly shown this kind of insensitivity, for example, when joking about pissing in my face when I was talking about extreme depression and anxiety. (Not an isolated incident, I might add.) He's shown cavalier disrespect for other people's boundaries, for example, coming back to the thread when he's been asked to stay off.

I understand, on ILX, the need to balance the rights of people like Kenan to have the ability to go in and make their marks on whatever thread they choose, with the needs of someone like me, who needs a mockery-free zone in order to discuss deeply personal issues.

My goal on this thread was not to exclude all men (though it was to focus on women's experiences, rather than men's) but to try to cut down on the anxiety-inducing and silencing effects that some people's insensitivity and mockery have on people that are not so outspoken.

I did not think it unreasonable to ask for one thread where my needs are respected, as opposed to the thousands of threads where Kenan's rights are upheld over my needs. But apparently, some moderator decided that it was.

Since that's the case, I close the thread, since I never would have placed it on this forum *unless* I had thought I would be allowed to enforce my needs.