thread to get over a breakup

feel for u Chris, man. Not sure I have anything helpful to say, except do what is in your heart, and don't front.

thanks all! it does suck and it is pretty hard, i also think my meds dull my feelings too. i have sort of a flat affect around her, or maybe its just her. I think we will probably end up in a "trial" seperation and see how that goes. Just really sucks because of my son.

does she genuinely want to be with you, or just some idealized image of you?

― sarahel, Tuesday, February 22, 2011 5:18 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

i think up until recently she wanted to be with me and now wants an idealized image of me. A lot of her friends from her hometown seem to have it all in her eyes, lots of money, nice big houses, husbands who have high paying jobs....etc...etc. I think she fantasizes about that life sometimes even if she tells me that is not her. She knew I wasn't a college type when we met and hell i had a pretty high paying job in the investment industry for years until i got laid off.

Is something in the air these days? Sorry to hear that news, Chris, and I hope you see a clearer way forward soon.

Roxy's opening post to this thread was so inspirational that I made my own list of "Things that are awesome about breaking up" before the break was even final.

1. Never watch the following again: Family Guy, Seinfeld, Frasier, South Park.
2. Never change my name for anyone.
3. Leave the house whenever I want.
4. Not cook for anyone.
5. Not launder for anyone.
6. Live in Brooklyn.
7. Watch Die Hard 2.
8. Work late.
9. Eat hummus for dinner.
10. Cook meat rare.
11. Sleep alone and undisturbed.
12. Ride my bike everywhere.
13. Move the furniture whenever I want.
14. Not speak to anyone all day.

thing is, if you were some regular straight-laced banker dude she'd probably be bored

i hope things work out, chris

p.s. a lot of my married friends are having the same problem :/ :/

fuck family guy

instant breakup

otm

the worst of all shows

so cheap

I've been doing almost everything on Laurel's list forever, and I've been married for 18 years.

Please tell me about this idyllic experience

It's not as idyllic as you'd imagine--we pretty much have our own separate lives under the same roof. It gets lonely at times.

Actually I was referring to the fact that this is the thread to get over a breakup, you "helpfully" tried to say that it's possible to do those things in a marriage, but you're very often talking about how depressing your life is so these seem like small wins if we're trying to see your life as encouraging.

Is that blunt enough, or did my use of the word "idyllic" not at all sound sarcastic?

I'm not trying to paint my life as encouraging, not at all. I just have a slightly different perspective on things like this than the average ILXor, and I wanted to share.

I fucking hate family guy

NOT FUNNY.

the one thing i like about family guy is he looks exactly like one of my old friends father.

so in three weeks things have gotten worse...at this point my son is recognizing it and saying out loud when we are fighting "STOP IT, STOP IT!" Ive just got to get some things in order and I think im leaving. ugh.

so sorry, chris.

oh dude...that sucks. (hugs)

I'm so sorry that things got to that point. *another hug*

yeah sort of blows...the thought of not being there in the morning to see my son off to daycare is killing me.

sorry dude, that sounds deeply unpleasant

Aw shit, Chris :(

sorry chris.

Jesus Christ. I'm sorry for you and I'm sorry foe your little one.

I don't get her...this morning at 5am before leaving for the airport she woke me, kissed me and said she loved me. First time in months. WTF?

she reads ilx....???

unless you've been lettin her know in other ways how close you are to breaking point?

Maybe even with all the fighting going on and an impending break up, she too will still feel love for you and is pained by the situation. Also, you say she left for the airport, with a (big?) journey ahead she'd want to let you know that?

I don't know. I hope you can both come to a resolution. All the best Chris.

she has no clue what ILX is and wouldn't be interested in anything on ILE or ILM so i doubt that one. I think she senses we may be coming to an end and maybe realizing she doesn't want us to end.

hopefully that can be a positive for you guys?

honestly, i do hope so. i still love her to death but her attitude these days is in the shitter.

aw Chris this stinks :( I hope you two make it through this.

dude take a moment next time you talk to her to just say "when you kissed me and told me you loved me before leaving today, that felt great. i love you too." and just leave it at that w/o adding on the part about how much she sucks lately.

yah gr8080 hugely otm, posi reinforcement can go a million miles relationship ime

Oops, single.

what zora? did you leave?

? !

! That was a bit sudden even after what you've said recently... wha happen!? :(

maybe she made up with him

that is not generally the understood meaning of "single", also thread title means we aren't exactly leaping to conclusions here, Buzza

I haven't physically left, but we are finished. When I can drive again, I'll be staying with my dad while I sort myself out. Ho hum.

I'll explain when I'm not having to type on an iPhone.

OK, so having accidentally stirred myself up by getting into a conversation about my situation on the cheating thread, I realised that I actually didn't feel as safe as I'd been telling myself I did, and that, as I've mentioned on the sex droughts thread as well, the lack of intimacy and desire on his part has been painful, and he's shown no sign of wanting to sort that out.

This is not unreasonable.

Boyface and I intended to start a family 2 years ago and it was put on hold b/c of his chronic pain and depression and some financial problems. He has now had a successful operation, is no longer in pain, is mentally well, we are financially secure, but he changed his mind about having kids back in September. We've been batting it back and forth since then, both of us hoping he'd change his mind. He hasn't.

Gallingly, as I don't really approve of going to great lengths to drop yet more sprogs on a planet already massively overburdened with humanity, I find I can't choose him over the chance to have a baby. I am already having treatment for fertility problems (right now just removal of a polyp) and when & if those are resolved, I will be starting IUI or IVF. I asked him to at least be my donor, even if he didn't want to actively parent, but he won't, so I'll be going ahead with donor sperm.

Perhaps if our relationship had been less fraught, and there'd been more lovin', I'd have made a different choice, but we are (as my boss likes to say) where we are. We have been trying to stay together, after splitting up twice and backsliding both times, because after all my chances of conception are less than 50/50, and if I can't conceive, we would both like to stay together, hat story qua hat story (the sex thing would definitely have to be fixed).

I wanted to do this here, in Bristol, where I finally feel at home after years of post-divorce rootlessness, in our flat which I love, and where I feel safe. Boyface has been very supportive of this idea and we have mostly been getting along just fine. But somehow, talking about some of what Laurel and others said on the cheating thread, we got onto the details of how it works if I do manage to conceive, and he freaked out a bit. The whole thing about the impact of stress on the conception and pregnancy - something clicked in his brane and he realised that if anything goes wrong, he'll blame himself.

So, in a more-or-less rational, amicable but still utterly suckerpunchy way, we agreed that it would probably be better to split up now. I can take responsibility for my own safety. I just need to find somewhere to live up in London (where I work and where my dad and my best friend live - a better support network than I have in Bristol w/o bf.) I don't, don't don't want to go, but it is so obviously the only way forward. Deep breath, jump.

best of luck

Thank you. Are you someone who uses fish as an excuse to avoid homework, or the fish-god of not getting things done?

i've been bestowed with amazing powers of not-getting-things-done

salmon of etc

strong decisions Zora. I'm exploring the have-a-kid-someday possibilities with my girl for the next several years and we're at odds and i dunno where we're headed either so i'm feeling you.