thread to get over a breakup

oh dude...that sucks. (hugs)

I'm so sorry that things got to that point. *another hug*

yeah sort of blows...the thought of not being there in the morning to see my son off to daycare is killing me.

sorry dude, that sounds deeply unpleasant

Aw shit, Chris :(

sorry chris.

Jesus Christ. I'm sorry for you and I'm sorry foe your little one.

I don't get her...this morning at 5am before leaving for the airport she woke me, kissed me and said she loved me. First time in months. WTF?

she reads ilx....???

unless you've been lettin her know in other ways how close you are to breaking point?

Maybe even with all the fighting going on and an impending break up, she too will still feel love for you and is pained by the situation. Also, you say she left for the airport, with a (big?) journey ahead she'd want to let you know that?

I don't know. I hope you can both come to a resolution. All the best Chris.

she has no clue what ILX is and wouldn't be interested in anything on ILE or ILM so i doubt that one. I think she senses we may be coming to an end and maybe realizing she doesn't want us to end.

hopefully that can be a positive for you guys?

honestly, i do hope so. i still love her to death but her attitude these days is in the shitter.

aw Chris this stinks :( I hope you two make it through this.

dude take a moment next time you talk to her to just say "when you kissed me and told me you loved me before leaving today, that felt great. i love you too." and just leave it at that w/o adding on the part about how much she sucks lately.

yah gr8080 hugely otm, posi reinforcement can go a million miles relationship ime

Oops, single.

what zora? did you leave?

? !

! That was a bit sudden even after what you've said recently... wha happen!? :(

maybe she made up with him

that is not generally the understood meaning of "single", also thread title means we aren't exactly leaping to conclusions here, Buzza

I haven't physically left, but we are finished. When I can drive again, I'll be staying with my dad while I sort myself out. Ho hum.

I'll explain when I'm not having to type on an iPhone.

OK, so having accidentally stirred myself up by getting into a conversation about my situation on the cheating thread, I realised that I actually didn't feel as safe as I'd been telling myself I did, and that, as I've mentioned on the sex droughts thread as well, the lack of intimacy and desire on his part has been painful, and he's shown no sign of wanting to sort that out.

This is not unreasonable.

Boyface and I intended to start a family 2 years ago and it was put on hold b/c of his chronic pain and depression and some financial problems. He has now had a successful operation, is no longer in pain, is mentally well, we are financially secure, but he changed his mind about having kids back in September. We've been batting it back and forth since then, both of us hoping he'd change his mind. He hasn't.

Gallingly, as I don't really approve of going to great lengths to drop yet more sprogs on a planet already massively overburdened with humanity, I find I can't choose him over the chance to have a baby. I am already having treatment for fertility problems (right now just removal of a polyp) and when & if those are resolved, I will be starting IUI or IVF. I asked him to at least be my donor, even if he didn't want to actively parent, but he won't, so I'll be going ahead with donor sperm.

Perhaps if our relationship had been less fraught, and there'd been more lovin', I'd have made a different choice, but we are (as my boss likes to say) where we are. We have been trying to stay together, after splitting up twice and backsliding both times, because after all my chances of conception are less than 50/50, and if I can't conceive, we would both like to stay together, hat story qua hat story (the sex thing would definitely have to be fixed).

I wanted to do this here, in Bristol, where I finally feel at home after years of post-divorce rootlessness, in our flat which I love, and where I feel safe. Boyface has been very supportive of this idea and we have mostly been getting along just fine. But somehow, talking about some of what Laurel and others said on the cheating thread, we got onto the details of how it works if I do manage to conceive, and he freaked out a bit. The whole thing about the impact of stress on the conception and pregnancy - something clicked in his brane and he realised that if anything goes wrong, he'll blame himself.

So, in a more-or-less rational, amicable but still utterly suckerpunchy way, we agreed that it would probably be better to split up now. I can take responsibility for my own safety. I just need to find somewhere to live up in London (where I work and where my dad and my best friend live - a better support network than I have in Bristol w/o bf.) I don't, don't don't want to go, but it is so obviously the only way forward. Deep breath, jump.

best of luck

Thank you. Are you someone who uses fish as an excuse to avoid homework, or the fish-god of not getting things done?

i've been bestowed with amazing powers of not-getting-things-done

salmon of etc

strong decisions Zora. I'm exploring the have-a-kid-someday possibilities with my girl for the next several years and we're at odds and i dunno where we're headed either so i'm feeling you.

I wish you both all the best with it forks.

If only I had some wisdom to offer, but as you see, I suck royally at this.

Good luck Zora (and forks)...much love, support,, hugs

I wish I had some wisdom to offer you, Zora, but I can at least offer my sympathy.

Zora, I've been in the position where both parties realised breaking up was the best option, and even when you know that it still hurts, you have all my empathy.

oh Zora, my sympathy and the best of luck to you, esp with the stress of moving on top of everything.

Thanks guys. I'm feeling surprisingly robust and capable, considering I just found out my foot is perma crippled and my work contract ends in 8 weeks. This can only be relief, ergo I was a lot more anxious than I knew, ergo this has to be the right thing to do... right? lulz.

Ofc the Tramadol helps.

Been thinking abt you since our exchange the oth day. I'm sorry this is stressful and uncertain but I wish you the perspective of an exciting future with decisions between "good" and "better" waiting for you to make them, rather than being afraid of the unknown.

I felt powerless as long as I stayed with a bad thing, but when I took steps and firmed my resolve, I was surprised how driven I felt and how good it felt to take my powers of decision-making and agency back. I hope for the same for you!

hey zora, i don't know you at all but i would like to say that i'm super proud of you for doing this - it's not easy breaking up with someone who is really cruel and horrible, let alone someone who you essentially get along with and feel at least superficially safe with. and laurel totally otm about how suddenly this sense of agency returns to your life.

i also think one of the most important things to remember is that it's really hard to meet some who is right for you while you're in a relationship with someone who is totally wrong for you.

That last sentence is so OTM it makes me want to cry.

it's really hard to meet some who is right for you while you're in a relationship with someone who is totally wrong for you.

true, but it can happen

I like to think that if he was *totally* wrong for me, I'd have gone before this. We are good together. We've had really crappy luck and now we want irreconcilable things from life, but we love each other, and we make each other laugh.

I'm not looking for another man. I can't mix someone else up in this baby thing.

If anyone has any tips for moving on that don't involve booze or casual sexxing, drop 'em on me.

stay busy, but really you'll have that covered if baby is a go.

the best way to get over a man is to get under another one.

sorry for inane advice

XP!

Oh, Kate78paws.

I think that's Mae West. Or Dorothy Parker?