thread to get over a breakup

was going to say "kiu chris" until I got to

it was like i put it in and exploded.

http://server3.uploadit.org/files/slebowski-221kablooie_small.jpg

:-) Chris.

Chris's oversharing is like my 3 year old nephew telling me about the awesome dump he took in the toilet...sure it's TMI, but you're just so happy for him that you let it go :)

stoked for you, chris

I'm unfamiliar w/ the term "hysterical bonding" but may have experienced it during my last breakup

imo if you've been really disconnected for a while, ANY honest and vulnerable communication can result in reigniting intimacy

^^^^

Well done Chris. Once it's reignited, you've got a decent chance, no matter how it happened. If the implication of 'hysterical' is 'it might not last', I guess you take your chances with that and try to rebuild in other ways more slowly and steadily.

I lurk on this thread because I don't quite know where my relationship is going and it helps to remind myself that if it ends, it won't be the end of the world, I will not be the only person on earth going through it, and people (you) are very resilient in the end run.

Except me. My girl left meWAAAAHHHHH :-( and I can't WAAAHHH get over it. No matter what happens, I never again have what I lost. It was perfect. Why did I let her go? whywhywhywhywhy? She taught me everything I know about lifelovemusicfateunderstandingempathyeverythingeverything. She was gorgeous she still is wtf is wrong with my eyes? And that soft, sultry voice that purrs over each word and her silky soft touch i'll never feel again. I want her i need her her her her She's gone forever

Not feeling very resiliant.

And if ever there were a post for posts sake, that's one. I'm just so... tired, and flat.

Ach sweetie. Some days are like that.

Emotional fitness is sensibly much like physical fitness; you can get just worn out. If you were physically exhausted, you'd know to rest, right?

I guess I don't know how to rest from this.

zora, i think you are being brave and absolutely doing the right thing for yourself and of course you are tired, but it will pass. even if you didn't want it to pass it would, that's how it goes.

I'm sending good thoughts your way, Zora. Heartbreak is heartbreak and it hurts and sucks, but there is meaning to be found in it, too. I'm a better person and a better partner for having been heartbroken. And were I parenthood-oriented it would be a better parent for it, too!

Hang in there, you'll do great <3

Thank you both. I'm old enough to have been through this wringer a few times but you always have more to learn about life.

I'm on holiday with family this week, and although the nights have been rough, when everyone else has gone to bed & I'm afraid to, the days have been glorious. Spring + the Pembrokeshire coast ftw.

Thinking of you regularly, Zo. Have lovely vacation days in the sunshine.

spring is always good for a pick me up!

And so it came to pass. Officially hello thread.

sorry man

We got on like a house on fire and had a great time together. Unfortunately I loved him to bits and he confirmed today he didn't feel the same way.

We were supposed to go to NYC this weekend and didn't as he'd put his back out. I had thought that trip would get us closer. I have this awful feeling that if we had gone things would have changed, even though I know that's ridiculous. It's not *quite* ridiculous, but why not is too long and exhausting to explain at the moment.

Oh no..that sucks. I'm really sorry.

hugs, ljub <3

thanks, people

<3 <3

sorry ljubljana. went through that with my ex. every thanksgiving, i was wondering which trip would be the one we didn't make it too. happened eventually and i wasn't surprised at all. all i can say is, i'm six months out and it does get better eventually. sorry you're going through this now.

Hello, ljub! Sorry to hear this. You've been predicting it for kind of a long time, I think? Just...sorry about the whole thing. Sorry you were IN a rel'ship for so long living with the feeling/knowledge that it was going to end like this, sorry that you were right about that. Lyfe.

How are you now?

^^^this is always my biggest regret and motivation for post season anger when i realize i stayed months too long. feels like such a waste and its exhausting. feelin you, ljub. i hope the bright side reveals itself to you sooner than later.

Thanks. You're both right about the anger/horror/disbelief at having stayed too long. I found it very hard to read the behaviour of this person and work out how he felt about me - there were contradictory signs. But of course, once you find out for sure and actually ask them how all the pieces fit together, it's blindingly obvious which 'signs' were important and which weren't, and you can't believe you didn't see it more clearly earlier.

Just very, very sad today - this was someone I could easily see myself with for life. Just that terrible feeling of knowing in your gut that you'll never feel this way again. What helps of course is thinking back to some arseholes from my past and remembering that I thought that about them too at some point.

Good for you, though, for moving on quickly now that you know. Some people (e.g. me) spend years in relationships like that, because the unknown and the sense of loss is more horrible-seeming.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you, and we'll be here for you.

ljub, when you're up for it let me know and i will buy you a drink and lend an ear if you want to talk.

thanks T! (sorry for the very slow reply - I have been keeping busy aka drinking)

sarahel, I have a great deal of empathy with that position.

I can vouch for keeping busy being good therapy, especially if one can be busy in good company. I spent the weekend at Eastercon and feel about a mile taller as a result of some good old fashioned booze and banter with friends. And a nice hotel pool!

Very sorry, lj. You are a marevelous lady and I know you will bounce back wonderfully!

Marvelous, even. Damn it is early. I got up to watch your royalty wed!

Ljubljana I meant to say: I agree that you're doing the right thing. I used to think unrequited love was the worst deal ever, but half-requited love is so much worse, because it traps you in the land of could-have-been-almost-happy. I hope the drinking is going well for you - or better yet, that you're finding more and more ways to move through the pain and enjoy life.

(quincie: still think u mad!)

thought for just a sec that surfing was LJ

Could-have-been-almost-happy is exactly right. At the moment it feels like it would be way more than enough and a million times better than the future, so trying not to think about the future.

Thinking about the 'friends' dilemma. I just don't think I'm prepared to *not* stay friends, it would be too much of a waste. But I'm overwhelmed by the thought of dragging this feeling out any longer than it has to last. In some ways I think it's good to see him regularly (like, once every week on a weekday for a drink) for say a month, then taper it off. That way you know they're there, you know you're still friends, but you can dial back the face time.

Pro tips?

Burn it down and salt the earth.

I don't think I can bring myself to.

From experience it is very hard to be friends with your ex. There's too much emotion involved and it can exacerbate the pain that heartbreak brings. Cliche, but time is a great healer, and you need to look after yourself and adapt to this new part of your life. Ask yourself, do you really think you can see him and be okay? What if he got a new girlfriend? Or started behaving differently from when you were together? Could you honestly be able to handle that?

I think that's why I want to see him just for a bit (maybe a month) a few times, and then taper it off. I guess during the next month or so he's unlikely to meet someone new and so now is the time to build that foundation for whatever we want later, if anything.

It's not so much that I want to see him all the time - I couldn't handle that at all - I certainly couldn't handle him getting a new girl if I was seeing a lot of him. It's more that I want to make sure we've seen each other a few times, we're ok with each other, we still *like* each other, and then everything is open to our own choices later on about how often we see each other - maybe not often at all, maybe never, maybe twice a year, maybe more.

If you can picture yourself being totally cool with it if he brings his new gf down to the pub, you are ready to be friends. Anything else and you're kidding yourself on, imho. But do whatever makes you feel least awful.

Me, I'm finding that contact with the ex just stirs up all the sorrow, and although I miss him fiercely and we still get along really well when we do talk, it kicks me in the gut when I hang up the phone. Overall, I'm happiest when he's farthest from my mind.

xpost, same sentiment as rosie!

Try seeing him once and play it by ear?

only spend time with him if/when you really need to or want to. there is generally an angry phase that you go through. it is best to avoid him during that time.

Yeah, once is probably the way to go and take it from there. I already spoke to him on the phone mid-week (to do that conversation where you ask all the questions you were too stunned to ask when you broke up). It was calm and ok for the most part. But yes, hanging up the phone is hell.

Alternative is to not see him for a few months, then go out for a drink. But what I'm afraid of then is that he'll have moved on and I won't have (enough). Get it over with, kind of thing. I feel like angry phase has already gone. May be kidding myself!

when you do see him, do not make it the high point/climax of the day. So early drinks or dinner on a weeknight or something in the afternoon on a weekend. Have something else planned afterward. Something enjoyable and something to look forward to, like drinks/hanging with friends, or going to a show or out dancing, or a delicious meal or drink on your own.