thread to get over a breakup

would hug all this ilx0rs

*hugs*

aw *hugz* guys!

i'm doing much better today, btw.
got my sorry ass off the couch last night, went out and met/made out with a random cutie!

that'll do it!

excellent work!

on thursday i bumped into the ex who was involved with/responsible for my most traumatic relationship experience. first time i'd seen her in six years but turns out i am not totally over her.

we spoke (eventually, after a series of acknowledging glances) and ended up exchanging phone numbers. not at all sure how i feel about any of this.

if all you've done is exchange phone numbers, you haven't done anything you can't take back yet. Though it's easy for old feelings to resurface for an old flame, that's mostly because memories often get sanitized the farther away you get from them. I had a relationship that was mostly mediocre yet I can only remember the positive stuff now because that's all I chose to remember, yet I'm sure it'd come flying back if I dated her again.

Obv only you know yourself and far be it from me to give advice here, but if it were me, and this person caused my most traumatic relationship experience, the only way I'd even look in their direction is if I had some kind if incontrovertible proof that she wasn't the same person she was six years ago, and generally with people, that tends to be the exception rather than the norm.

if the little voice in your head expresses concern, maybe it's time to take a step back...

absent specifics i think you're pretty much spot on. i don't think she's changed but i'm hoping i have, at least enough to handle her company for a little longer without falling down the rabbit hole again. i don't think there's any danger of us getting back together but unfortunately talking to her at this gig wasn't enough to provide the resolution that is still missing. she was my "first" in a number of ways and contributed significantly (for better or worse) to any definition my personality achieved in my early twenties.

that said, i still think it's 50-50 whether meeting her again would make any difference. i would have regretted not approaching her at all, but not using her phone number feels like a different thing, and not quite so essential.

you are otm imo

i'm hoping i have, at least enough to handle her company for a little longer without falling down the rabbit hole again

i think this is the most important part - knowing that you're ready to have that experience no matter the outcome.

i still have the phone number of my first 'real' breakup (sounds a lot like yours tbh from what you've said above) in my head. i've used it once in 6 years, to congratulate her on her wedding in january.

^ that's heavy shit, man

knowing that you're ready to have that experience no matter the outcome.

― tehresa, Sunday, May 15, 2011 10:21 PM (13 minutes ago) Bookmark

^^ reminding yourself when it gets bumpy that "this is exactly what i signed up for"

xp ah, for a day or two it was, but i've been quite happy with ms mac for eh going on 6 years now so it's not an issue

it happens. and then you end up getting together with them after they get divorced...

well maybe not you. hah.
and ftr i never congratulated him on his wedding.

lol i cant see it but hold the thought

horribly, physically lonely

^^^^^

I don't have a solution to that that you couldn't figure out for yourself: go find a huggy friend, pet a dog, etc. But you're not alone even when it feels like you are.

^^^ Very very otm. I think things are gonna get a big bumpy but I think I'm better equipped to deal with it this time round. Thanks for kind thoughts folks.

yeah, puppy or human love are really important in the situations immediately upthread...

i think i've talk about it before, but i've remained friends with my most recent ex. in fact, we're really incredibly tight— we go to movies together, go to the gym together, walk his dog, make dinner. it's like we're husbands who don't have sex. (the sex was amazing, and sometimes i mourn its loss, but oh well).

tbph, it has become infinitely easier since i stopped being mopey and shitty and just started going for it again. now i'm seeing an awesome person (the ex and this person and i all drank coffee together at a cafe yesterday) and i couldn't be happier with the direction either relationship is going.

went out with one guy for about 3 months (in my 20s)

went out with one guy for about 3 months (in my 30s)

p much everything else I can remember was 4 dates or less.

not even looking the last couple years.

so, there are other ways to live.

I flew solo pretty much for a long time before I married...but I was never one who "needed" a relationship. Maybe it was self-esteem or whatever, but I do believe in being comfortable with yourself, being okay with yr own company before you can be good company to anyone else.

OTM!

i think i'd be pretty good at not being in a relationship, but it's just never been the right time

so hard to not find the right person

my current one almost makes me wish i'd never been in one before. maybe then i wouldn't be so neurotic

I went six years between relationships once. and yea, i can definitely do the single thing, it can be fun doing whatever I want whenever I want, and I'm never unhappy. It's just...when I am with someone, it's just usually...better.

i have a bad habit of needing somebody. need to do something about that, probably.

is the habit bad because of who you end up with or ... ?

evolution baby

I have a bad habit of believing people when they say things, which I shd also do something about, but since I have absolutely zero instincts about liars, I'm not rly sure how to even begin. Except totally ignore the situation by not approaching or encouraging anyone at all, so no change there, really.

I flew solo pretty much for a long time before I married...but I was never one who "needed" a relationship. Maybe it was self-esteem or whatever, but I do believe in being comfortable with yourself, being okay with yr own company before you can be good company to anyone else.

― Janet Snakehole (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, May 17, 2011 2:24 AM (13 hours ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Well, I actively loathe and despise myself, and I've managed to be in a relationship for five years so far. So... nah, not OTM.

is the habit bad because of who you end up with or ... ?

― sarahel, Tuesday, May 17, 2011 6:46 AM (9 hours ago) Bookmark

bad habit because i don't know how to be by myself--i've either been in a relationship or looking to get into one for basically my whole adult life.

bad habit.

eh like anything else it's about the results? If you're in bad relationships all the time it's a bad habit, sure

haha well

i was never in relationships that much or for very long before this last one, and i was quite good at being by myself.

i seem rather less good at it now.

it gets easier. 1 1/2 years out.

my current one almost makes me wish i'd never been in one before. maybe then i wouldn't be so neurotic

I was neurotic as hell and horrible to my husband and myself precisely because I'd never been in a relationship before. I was Psycho Girlfriend From Hell because I had absolutely no idea how a relationship worked or how to act in one.

Well, I actively loathe and despise myself, and I've managed to be in a relationship for five years

otoh, I generally like myself but find that available men do not approach that standard.

remember that Usher joint "U Got It Bad"? ya I'm there right now.

things are ok in my neck of the woods these days...i stress OK.

I forgot how much give and take there is in flirting. like it's fun and exciting, but sometimes also feels like hard work!

Talked to him yesterday, 3rd time in a month. Totally feeling Laurel's 'no buffet' right now yet know I'd be more crazy if we had no contact. Can't shake the feeling of a huge misunderstanding, ridiculously.

It's been very useful to be crazy busy since this happened, very distracting, but it means that as soon as I stop running around I'm experiencing the kind of intense feelings I think I'd otherwise have gone through in the first two weeks.

i don't think you can get away without having the *feelings* at some stage before it's all done

The 'misunderstanding' bit, yeah that's otm- kind of understandable in any fairly amicable breakup, i guess? You've been with someone, it was mostly good if not-quite (obv varies from situation to situation), you've both invested a lot. Surely if we do 'x' it'll work?

Very otm. There are several Xs in this case that I can't get off my mind, some more proximate than others.

my ex-ex, who I struggled the most to get over, has a new beau. He's a nice guy, a bit older than me. I'm actually happy for her...glad to see I finally closed the final piece of that one out.

Still, I'm really still bumming over the latest relationship that wasn't, I still can't figure out why we got so close and then she pulled away...guess it's frustrating cuz it's become a running trend over the last 5 years for me. I should just let it go, but it's frustrating...so this weekend I'm doing what I can to avoid contact w/ her and just spending time with other friends. need some time away from it.

That sounds like the best way to go in this situation.

is 'neanderthal' the newest incarnation of 'san te,' or a different guy dealing with an ex-ex? (congrats on managing to get over her either way!)

It's San Te

Unsolicited update to a few weeks ago.

I wasn't deliberately waiting, especially, but I didn't end up contacting her until I got home from my holiday last week. I found myself thinking about her a lot while I was away and just couldn't leave it as it was. I didn't say anything much in the text, just that I was glad to bump into her and would she like to come with me to a gig on Tuesday. She hasn't replied.

Ordinarily I am an advocate of "read nothing into nothing" - she could be away, lost her phone etc etc - but, even if it dates back several years, she's got form. I would have been okay if she'd just said "no, it's best that we don't go back to this" (probably) but this sense that she's again decided to ignore me completely is far more hurtful than I could have anticipated. It was she who suggested another meeting not the way round, and she suggested exchanging numbers. I don't want to try her again, I don't want to ask her if she really is ignoring me because there is no way that question can be read without making me look pathetic, but this feels unsustainable and I'm not really sure what else to do.

Sorry for the dump, just very ugh right now.