thread to get over a breakup

I have a bad habit of believing people when they say things, which I shd also do something about, but since I have absolutely zero instincts about liars, I'm not rly sure how to even begin. Except totally ignore the situation by not approaching or encouraging anyone at all, so no change there, really.

I flew solo pretty much for a long time before I married...but I was never one who "needed" a relationship. Maybe it was self-esteem or whatever, but I do believe in being comfortable with yourself, being okay with yr own company before you can be good company to anyone else.

― Janet Snakehole (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, May 17, 2011 2:24 AM (13 hours ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Well, I actively loathe and despise myself, and I've managed to be in a relationship for five years so far. So... nah, not OTM.

is the habit bad because of who you end up with or ... ?

― sarahel, Tuesday, May 17, 2011 6:46 AM (9 hours ago) Bookmark

bad habit because i don't know how to be by myself--i've either been in a relationship or looking to get into one for basically my whole adult life.

bad habit.

eh like anything else it's about the results? If you're in bad relationships all the time it's a bad habit, sure

haha well

i was never in relationships that much or for very long before this last one, and i was quite good at being by myself.

i seem rather less good at it now.

it gets easier. 1 1/2 years out.

my current one almost makes me wish i'd never been in one before. maybe then i wouldn't be so neurotic

I was neurotic as hell and horrible to my husband and myself precisely because I'd never been in a relationship before. I was Psycho Girlfriend From Hell because I had absolutely no idea how a relationship worked or how to act in one.

Well, I actively loathe and despise myself, and I've managed to be in a relationship for five years

otoh, I generally like myself but find that available men do not approach that standard.

remember that Usher joint "U Got It Bad"? ya I'm there right now.

things are ok in my neck of the woods these days...i stress OK.

I forgot how much give and take there is in flirting. like it's fun and exciting, but sometimes also feels like hard work!

Talked to him yesterday, 3rd time in a month. Totally feeling Laurel's 'no buffet' right now yet know I'd be more crazy if we had no contact. Can't shake the feeling of a huge misunderstanding, ridiculously.

It's been very useful to be crazy busy since this happened, very distracting, but it means that as soon as I stop running around I'm experiencing the kind of intense feelings I think I'd otherwise have gone through in the first two weeks.

i don't think you can get away without having the *feelings* at some stage before it's all done

The 'misunderstanding' bit, yeah that's otm- kind of understandable in any fairly amicable breakup, i guess? You've been with someone, it was mostly good if not-quite (obv varies from situation to situation), you've both invested a lot. Surely if we do 'x' it'll work?

Very otm. There are several Xs in this case that I can't get off my mind, some more proximate than others.

my ex-ex, who I struggled the most to get over, has a new beau. He's a nice guy, a bit older than me. I'm actually happy for her...glad to see I finally closed the final piece of that one out.

Still, I'm really still bumming over the latest relationship that wasn't, I still can't figure out why we got so close and then she pulled away...guess it's frustrating cuz it's become a running trend over the last 5 years for me. I should just let it go, but it's frustrating...so this weekend I'm doing what I can to avoid contact w/ her and just spending time with other friends. need some time away from it.

That sounds like the best way to go in this situation.

is 'neanderthal' the newest incarnation of 'san te,' or a different guy dealing with an ex-ex? (congrats on managing to get over her either way!)

It's San Te

Unsolicited update to a few weeks ago.

I wasn't deliberately waiting, especially, but I didn't end up contacting her until I got home from my holiday last week. I found myself thinking about her a lot while I was away and just couldn't leave it as it was. I didn't say anything much in the text, just that I was glad to bump into her and would she like to come with me to a gig on Tuesday. She hasn't replied.

Ordinarily I am an advocate of "read nothing into nothing" - she could be away, lost her phone etc etc - but, even if it dates back several years, she's got form. I would have been okay if she'd just said "no, it's best that we don't go back to this" (probably) but this sense that she's again decided to ignore me completely is far more hurtful than I could have anticipated. It was she who suggested another meeting not the way round, and she suggested exchanging numbers. I don't want to try her again, I don't want to ask her if she really is ignoring me because there is no way that question can be read without making me look pathetic, but this feels unsustainable and I'm not really sure what else to do.

Sorry for the dump, just very ugh right now.

my personal opinion, based on experience, is to try to be more direct with these invites. texts are problematic for the reasons described above, you have no idea whether it is indeed that she is ignoring you, or other reasons. If you then call her on it and you're wrong, you create an awkward scenario. best thing to do is to send a follow-up text and say "I didn't see a reply to my request, just wanted to know if you got it and if you were going to join me", maybe even say 'so i can plan ahead'. If she was ignoring you, she'll either ignore you again, or send a more direct message, which while it will hurt, is better than not knowing. If she wasn't ignoring you, she'll probably just give a strange answer.

Being ignored is the greatest of agonies for me too. And it is complete avoidance bullshit, but do know that it's just how many people in this day and age have chosen to handle problems, and that it doesn't reflect on you. If that's what it does turn out to be, it's best to leave things as is and move on. It'll hurt, but it'll hurt less than if you keep trying.

some people are just flaky and things slip their minds. while you may like to think that if you were truly important to the person in question - that you would be an exception to their flakiness - but sometimes it just doesn't work that way.

In terms of your next move, just a simple, hey, did you want to go to this gig on Tuesday message or call would be totally fine. Maybe add something brief about timing, transportation, food/beverage plans, so that it looks more natural.

so my ex got a job and got an apartment about five blocks away from me.
today while i was at work she came by and removed (most of) the shit that was hers (this was prearranged and done with total propriety)

now the rooms echo unpleasantly

get more stuff!

xpost (hugs)

can't afford/have no desire for more stuff

i do need a roommate, though, for which i also have no desire

i have to share kitty now too (which is fair, but sad)

oh man. sharing the cat? that kinda sucks, mook.

it can be really hard to get used to having someone else in your space when you're used to living alone ... or after living with a long-term partner. Just don't get a roommate that reminds you of your ex.

tbh I don't really think sharing kitty is fair

In terms of your next move, just a simple, hey, did you want to go to this gig on Tuesday message or call would be totally fine.

Yeah, so I did, essentially, this. I really hope you're right and rationally I know I should err on the side of a non-conspiratorial explanation for her silence but I just don't trust her. Which is in itself probably/potentially a whole different thing.

oh man. sharing the cat? that kinda sucks, mook.

Doesn't sound all that fair to the cat, either.

My sympathies, MP.

yeah fuck sharing of cats after relationship is over. dogs are more adaptable, imo, but cats? fuck no.

Hang in there, mooks! Things will get better, I promise. </onewhoknows>

I wish that the Craigslist fairy sends you a fantastically great roommate who turns out to be one of those roommates that actually turns into a friend, and (slightly less realistically) I wish that your ex spots a kitten in great danger, rescues it and asks you to take on the other cat full-time.

aww thx dudes

hang in there, mookie

mookie, come hang with me in the park and i will treat you like a vip

let's pray for a football season to come & put an end to all this sadness

so yeah i posted in the wrong thread last night in a mess, but my wife and i are done. im moving out tomorrow. im sad.

i posted in that other thread, but it bears repeating-- i'm really sorry that you are going through something that rough. i wish the best for you, and i hope you take good care of yourself. i've never been married or had a family, but breakups in general even uh, divorced (sorry!) from that context are difficult enough.

Chris....fuck, I am so sorry. (hug)

Chris, I'm so sorry.

So sorry to hear. Reassurances are probably not so helpful a this point, but it you *will* be OK and it *will* get better and life *does* go on in a positive way. People told me this when I got divorced, and damn if they weren't right. Take care.

Oh, fuck, Chris. I knew this was coming. We'll be here for you for whatever happens.

sorry dude. i know the feeling.

i'm sorry chris. kia kaha my friends.

Moved my stuff out yesterday. That sucked. My wife and I are on really good terms and honestly i feel much better. We will much better friends than husband and wife.

*comfort*

Is it too early to ask how the kid situation is going to work out between you? I remember you talking about that a while back. But please: no need to answer if it's too raw to talk about yet.

We are going to do every tues and Wednesday with me and every other weekend which is standard practice. Had him last night and he had a blast. I got him a toy story bed and he almost shit. It's actually really nice to be able to focus all my energy on him and not have to worry about dividing it. Plus it will be nice to recharge when he is with his mother. All in all im doing good