thread to get over a breakup

<3 nv

thanks again. :)

shit is really weird. me and mrs v have talked about stuff and yelled about stuff and talked again etc. i don't think i want us to be over, but she's right that over the last few years something has died between us. i don't know if i'm avoiding the inevitable cos of fear or laziness or if we really are beyond repair, or if i want us to be repaired if i'm honest. so we go a week or two not doing anything about this but we come back to she thinks i shd go, and if that's the only way for her to be happy then deep down i know it has to happen.

we're both all about planning to keep the kids at the front of this - i'm not afraid they're gonna run away and leave me, but even living down the street will be me missing my home, my family. i've been an absent dad once, and not made such a great job of it, and i've learned from that but i know how much it kills too. and these are probably not reasons to stay together either, in the end.

never felt so middle-aged and doomed to loneliness tbh :| but will get thru because i have dependents and while they're still dependent they're more important than me. gonna sit down and talk out some concrete plans tonight, i hope. the perpetual hanging on that we're in now isn't doing anybody any good. but it always feels easier to sit tight and cross fingers and hope for something to change, no matter how impossible that is.

Have you tried couples counselling? It might well be the case that it really is over, but it could still be good to gain an understanding of the situation within a structured environment even if that is so.

feeling for you here

oh NV, I'm so sorry.

So sorry to hear this. I know sod all about long term relationships but I think emil.y might be otm.

we've batted the idea back and forth, it has pros and cons i think.

Is it more that she has her mind kinda made up?

(just parsing that from what you said upthread)

I truly feel for you NV, and hope you can get through this, whatever is best, however it pans out. Big hug.

xp

i think so, and is too kind to be vehement about it, or is going thru the same kind of mixed emotions as me.

thoughts with you, obv

The thing with counselling is that if there are deep-seated ill feelings, hearing those as a partner can be..well, kinda soul crushing. Don't get me wrong; I think counselling is a good idea in general, but for long-term relationships it can be heartbreaking. At least from what I have seen.

yeah i think subconsciously i'm feeling that, and i was pretty pro counselling originally.

from your persona here NV you're a heavy drinker---is this part of what's going on? cos if so then I'm guessing this is gonna be brutal.

Gonna give u another hug now, NV. Fyi.

i'm not half as heavy a drinker as i used to be, and tbh this whole situation is making me less inclined to drink, so hey there's that ;)

i don't think i want us to be over, but she's right that over the last few years something has died between us.

So sorry, NV. same kinda thing happened to me recently, and the whole thing is just emotionally wrecking.

It gets better, guys! It really does. I think I was somewhat spared in my last (major) breakup in that while there was a lot of love, there was a lot of bile and hurt feelings that a break really solved. When it's just a matter of a disconnect or things not clicking anymore, there's more of a tendency to play "what if." The best thing to remember is that sometimes, all the scenarios that could play out really already have.

oh NV, so sorry to hear this - this must be horribly hard on you. You are a good dude, and I really hope you get through this as well as can be expected.

i'm not always a good dude tbf, and in part that's why we're here.

had a civilised strategy discussion. am now officially looking for somewhere to live. :|

aw NV so sorry to hear about this. All best to you.

no-one can be always a good dude! but you are thinking about protecting mrs V's feelings as well as your own, and about how this will work out for the kids, and you are having civilised conversations, and i don't imagine you're doing this all bloodlessly and without rancour & self-pity & all the ugliest emotions but I bet you're trying pretty hard to remain decent, and to me that is the measure as much as or even more than constant correct behaviour.

stay well over the next while

all the best nv, i hope all the non-emotional stuff is as ok + straihjtforward as can be

now is the time when you should have no qualms about drinking heavily imo and iirc

Nothing wrong with not feeling like drinking. My first real mid-20s breakup left me not feeling like anything more than a beer.

NV, I like you very well and I'm sorry about this turn. I hope the road gets easier, sooner.

if there is even a remote chance of keeping the relationship going, and both parties are willing to give it a shot with an open mind, i would recommend couples therapy but not everyone does well in that milieu. good luck whatever you decide

Hey NV, really sorry to hear what's going on, must be a hugely shitty thing. If I were any closer I would totally be buying you a beer right now, but a crappy internet man-hug will have to suffice. If it's any consolation, it's good to hear that you're both communicating and trying to sort it out like adults. No matter how fucked off you might get, I hope you'll always be able to talk to each other to some extent. I'm currently witnessing the opposite approach to marriage break-up at close quarters with one of my siblings and it's a total fucking disaster. Do not let that happen :(

aye, NV, it is with you, my heart.

Good luck with keeping it civilised NV, it's tough but I can rep for the benefits (4 years post-divorce, but on good terms and that means a lot).

I'd stan for the benefits of counselling too, except that it's so hard to find the right counsellor.

All the best, anyhow. Internet-stranger hugs all the way.

Sorry to hear NV, as someone going through a divorce it gets easier. It's best if not hard to try to be as amicable as possible for the kids. My soon to be ex and I are on better terms now then we ever were married.

Right there with you guys but trying to keep too busy to be sad
it's generally working but i'm afraid i'm gonna hit a breakdown at some point

sorry to hear that forks.

i'm not so good at making myself busy, not with important stuff, so i'm just fitting micro-breakdowns in during secluded moments :)

everybody who says this will get better is right tho, and thanks.

I'm basically doing things every night and trying to date multiple women to get my head right
i'm also staying in good touch with the ex and we do stuff together regularly and talk a lot
this couldn't be going better and it's still kinda difficult sometimes

the difficulty is a testament to the good things about your last relationship, i guess. so it's a positive, albeit a sad one.

yeah, that's accurate and really worth considering

I'm basically doing things every night me too!
and trying to date multiple women to get my head right me...not. d'oh.

sorry to hear about it forks, but glad it's going relatively well for you.

well i'm _trying_ you know. dunno if i'm succeeding. i need to meet more girls. NYC ilxors should point their cute single friends my way. I am employed with a couple of very neat jobs,l no addictions or hangups, i will open the door and take your coat for you, i am reasonably funny and not too hard on the eyes. I spend a lot of time on the internet though, so there's that.
got a date to go do yoga tonight with a purty gal though. that is not a euphemism.

i'm back :(

well if its any compensation...i wasn't expecting to find another person after...i wasn't looking and bang...it happened.

...and bang

ad infinitum

thebango

i can't remember whether it was in this thread or another, but i was writing something about how people maybe have more partners than they previously would have, now, in a lifetime, & i don't know whether it's that or something else but: dealing with the mess of having broken up with someone feels so 'modern' to me, & i don't know why, because it's eternal. like incrementally becoming more aware of the sprawl of all the different strands that made up the relationship, each becoming apparent at some different point after the thing fell apart, it is so strange to have to confront it all.

so sad to think that there was a last time that so many things happened between you, but you missed it, or forgot it, because you didn't realise it was the last time as it happened.

i kinda think that side of things is almost like a schroedinger's-cat-style state change, in which things are retroactively transformed. that a certain thing you were in the middle of won't ever reach some sort of fruition can retroactively transform it into something 'failed', which it wasn't at the time. it is a crazy thing.

but yeah mainly just v sad

xpost
yeah, definitely. like the last real kiss. last time you saw their parents. last time eating out together. last party you held together. sigh