thread to get over a breakup

Thanks, I really appreciate it.

are you living together?

Yeah, in faculty housing, no less. I can't even fathom moving out, but I guess I need to look, and soon. She wants me to stay, but I don't think that's a good idea at all.

yeah. on the one hand it's nice to have somewhere to stay while you look for a new place, but the healing can't really begin until you leave, at least in my experience. do you have any friends that you could crash with for a few weeks?

Closest place I know anyone is St. Louis. I almost flew home tonight just to have a place to escape, but who knew that travelling halfway across a continent at a moment's notice costs a bunch of money?

can i tell you something? i've been through that on both sides, and i am here to tell you that it can work out ok. one person is more miserable than the other for a while. and then you trade spots for a few years. it happens. sometimes it basically equalizes and then i don't know what happens next because i have only been in this relationship for 12 years. maybe it's different after 20? no idea.

Also I very much unintentionally threw up the numbness shield (still totally up) which makes me feel like a monster. I mean, I'm not being mean or anything, but it feels horrible to have someone else crying their eyes out and to find yourself thinking about where your phone is.

it'll come down eventually -- you're in crisis mode

I know... which is pretty scary.

that is so sad. i wish i had the magical power of healing everyone who has depression issues.
have you tried to deal with the depression in more than 10 ways yet? i am on the verge of a fucking crusade against depression and its unnecessary stranglehold on the lives of many people i care about and millions more. fuck depression like we say fuck cancer imo.

It is so horrible to deal with a relationship possibly falling apart because of one's own issues that haven't been faced/dealt with. I've been there a few times recently and I've been mentally kicking myself to shit and back for it for years now, despite subsequent dating. I wish I could offer advice but all I can suggest is it does get less painful eventually, and I comiserate so much.

The internet is so weird. Come visit whenever you want, Nick.

how I end up conforming to a patriarchal view of what a "man" should be, as much as I try to avoid it.

man this is the source of like so much anxiety for me

yeah, neverending. i hate it.

If you two are that thoughtful about it, the odds are pretty good it won't happen.

Crut, you are one of the least macho men I know online, and I mean that as a compliment.

After he ditched plans to spend this weekend with me because of backup problems (Goblin Boy is a network admin), I have not spoken to GB since Saturday. I've been feeling really, really down the past couple of days, and I tried to be cool but tonight I thought fuck it, phoned him, no answer, and now I just feel ridiculously lonely and... discarded.

Still can't imagine dating anyone else.

What a horrible person. I remember you were feeling quite... trepidatious about rekindling with GB (because there was stuff like this that he had to, y'know, get better at) but it really doesn't seem like he's improved in the slightest. And what are you getting out of this? Doesn't sound very fair. Grrrr, I would like to kick the goblin right now.

Hope you can find a way to a less down place. It's awful to be down, and want to have someone there that you can need, and have them just... not be there for you.

Right now I'm not getting anything out of it, obviously.

Some days I love being single. Some days I can't stand it, but both singleness and GB are HEAPS less scary/ icky concepts than dating. I have never really done it. My brain kind of shuts down at the thought of it. Even when someone apparently sane messages me on OKC I can't answer them. Arghlefargh.

I know you weren't advocating dating. That was my leap. I just want someone to curl up on the sofa with sometimes.

both singleness and GB are HEAPS less scary/ icky concepts than dating

and having a baby is somehow less scary than dating or finally cutting the cord to this guy who obviously isn't that into sharing your life?

Having a baby is desperately scary! If I could procrastinate on that one I would!

Idk but I guess I've spent a lot of time mentally rehearsing motherhood, and carefully watching other people do it. Being with GB I have also had plenty of practice at. Dating would be new, and none of my friends are doing it either, at least not IRL. I mean, a kick up the arse is not unwelcome but the mental block is massive.

And one more spammy post from me - at back of mind is still possibility of getting knocked up, however unlikely, and if I have to choose I choose - what have I become - breeding.

Shoot me someone.

I mean, sometimes we do what we've got to do, but really, dude should be smart enough to stay the hell out of your life or grow a backbone.

He should at least have the self-confidence not to be with someone who calls him "Goblin Boy" ffs. Not because of you, but because what that means about him.

We banter, we have a lot of pet names for each other, we acknowledge each other's unreasonable sides, we once had a 'Goblin Hat' competition: being called Goblin Boy wouldn't shake him up. We are both equally to blame for staying in a relationship that doesn't satisfy. My backbone is a thing that dissolves in the rain, since my divorce, and my mum going. STILL, I feel better for venting and I should try and get some sleep.

(I hate it when people go on and on about how unhappy they are and yet they won't do anything about it, don't you?)

X

I feel frustrated for others, really!

That makes it a bit better, I forgot that context or didn't know.

(I hate it when people go on and on about how unhappy they are and yet they won't do anything about it, don't you?)

No, I absolutely disagree.

See, when you are in a situation which has become intolerable, and you *can't* actually do anything about it, the only options are to vent or to stay silent and suffer even more. And most times the difference between "can't" and "won't" is something which only exists clearly in the mind of the observer, not the person in the intolerable situation.

It's one of the hallmarks of actual friendship, when a person is prepared to listen and make sympathetic faces and not try to impose their ideas of what you can't or won't do. But I'm not sure that "ILX" in general is a particularly good friend that way.

Dating is horrible. It gets steadily more horrible on the other side of 35, and by 40 it's a wasteland. When it's not horrifying or actively debasing, it's mind-numbingly boring. I can completely see why you'd stay in an unfulfilling relationship whose troubles and boundaries are already known to you, than launch yourself into the scary unknown. (Trust me, the alternatives out here are even scarier - become obsessed with your cats, or collect pop stars like imaginary boyfriends?)

But it just seems as if, if your one objective from this relationships is, warm familiar body to allay the loneliness, and that body can't ever even be there, it's not even meeting your admittedly already low qualifications.

But I have no advice beyond this: if you're feeling unhappy about it, write about it. I'd say that to any creative type. If you're in a situation you can't see your way out of, evolution gifted you with two eyes and a massive forebrain for a reason. Write about what's gone wrong. Write about the idea relationship you wish you were having. Dress it up in fancy dress, or leave everything just as it is. It doesn't have to be good, it doesn't have to be even intended for other people. But that's what writing and art in general is for, to digest the things that you can't handle.

Sorry I'm not more helpful.

It's kind of wrongheaded but the "venting about unhappiness/frustrations" thing is often phrased as a stereotypically male versus female social exercise, the idea being that men generally state issues with a mind toward resolution and spout possible solutions at each other, while women vent frustrations/problems with the intended outcome of a sympathetic ear, or possibly just the acknowledgment that "yes, that sucks."

I don't know that it's a particularly gendered thing rather than a personality one that has been generalized to gender lines, but I definitely have been the "oh, we can fix that!" guy when I really should have just said "I'm sorry, this sucks!". Trying to propose solutions just frustrates the person venting more!

As long as you don't define yourself by your unhappiness, it's cool to go on about issues, imo

Trying to propose solutions just frustrates the person venting more!
this is such a good point. i am a fixer. i want to solve problems. it's super hard for me to just say 'i'm sorry' when i see a possible way to fix something. why wouldn't you want to help someone fix something that's bothering them? but compassion sometimes means we need to just sit on that impulse and say, 'man, i am really sorry you are going through this.' some might see that as being an irresponsible friend/partner. some might see that as being a good friend/partner. so tricky to find the right balance. in the end it's no one's place to tell you what you should do about you, despite the fact that their proposed actions could have positive effects. sometimes you have to experience a difficult situation for a longer period before you have the same realization that someone outside the situation can see much sooner.

This is one of those cases where I just want to say "please stop trying to gender everything, it's really unhelpful." Some women are "fixers" some men are "listeners."

I think it might actually have more to do with empathy - I used to be a terrible "fixer" until I realised how much I hated having it done to me, and made a deliberate attempt to try to stop. And if anyone tries to gender "empathy" I'll punch them in the face. (I.e. very non-female coded behaviour.)

I've learned that my 'fixing' instincts are not as noble as I had always thought. It disguises a need for control, that you need to own this person's problem in order for you to understand it, and the 'fixing' is really more helpful to you than it is for the other person. It's not necessarily helpful to that person to have a problem solved for them...it's taken me a long time to see that it's more beneficial and healing for the person to come to a solution on their own, with love and support. And it can be very freeing to not have a role in a person's problem solving. Again, I'm still learning this and practice is WAY harder than theory, but I've found myself feeling a lot better just listening, than, you know, *wearing* a person's problem...fixing is pretty stressful in the long run.

But empathy vs fixing is kind of situational. Well, that's what I'm coming to discover after lots of self-examination. Now I find that I can sometimes (*sometimes*) tell based on the person, or based on the way they're talking about a problem whether or not this is a 'fixing' situation or whether it's just a listening/rephrasing/empathy situation.

anyway, blabbity blooo, tl:dr lol

i think mh was arguing against making fixing and listening gender things
xpost

veg, that is in no way tldr - i relate a lot to what you said.

Hey, I'm allowed a bit of hyperbole if it's directed at myself I hope. I don't 'hate' it when my friends do it, though I might roll my eyes a bit after a while.

Nowadays I tend to come out and ask if advice is wanted, or just a shoulder to cry on and a cup of tea.

(I hate it when people go on and on about how unhappy they are and yet they won't do anything about it, don't you?)

fwiw i read this as you being v tongue in cheek

Dating is horrible. It gets steadily more horrible on the other side of 35, and by 40 it's a wasteland.

At 40 I can't say I agree with this, m'self. Frustrating and sometimes a vaguely panicky thing perhaps, but horrible, a wasteland? Not that Ive found. I've had to work hard at my own foibles to make it better, that said, and it hasnt been easy.

i think we discussed this on another thread a year or so ago. you are not obliged to date if you don't feel like it. And believe me, I can totally relate to feeling scared by it (which i am atm), so i just don't. I figure at some point that will change.

Well I'm 40 too! /hi5

tehresa, I was trying to be.

WCC, some wise words there. I do wish I could use writing as a release, but it only seems to work that way if I've been writing every day, so the practice is ingrained and I can get out of my own way. Oh well - all the more reason to get back into practice.

xpost - sarahell, yes indeed. I realise I don't really want to date, I just want a cuddle-buddy. My dad refuses to get a cat!!!

could you get one anyway and pretend it is just a hallucination he is having.

over-reliance on cuddle-cats is the scourge of once-great nations

and still great women

my own nation has nearly fallen

I lolled at the imaginary cat, had to explain to my dad, who objected to being mentioned on the internet, then suggested we could share a sofa when watching telly. Then got huffy when I demurred. Dad could not be more innocent, I feel bad for hurting his feelings, but ffs, I am not going to start cuddling up with my father, I am not 6, it would just be wrong.

i guess it was a stupid idea, but i've been missing N really badly these last couple of weeks, so tonight when i was over to look after the kids i asked if she wanted to go out some time, low-key, just see how it felt. i guess i need the information that we're over under-lining a lot before it'll sink in. feel like a bit of a dick, tbh. a broken-hearted dick.

(hug)

how did she respond, N?

you are not a dick

<3

she was just sad cos she knew it must have taken me some courage to ask and she knew it wasn't the right thing for her. i guess when i first moved out we never hammered out in 6 foot high letters that this was over, forever, and i'm still at a stage where i'm finding it hard to believe that it is. cut up as i am tho, i think i needed to ask and just be told that we're done. again. we parted on good terms. i think probably because we're getting on better now is giving me false hope too.