thread to get over a breakup

congrats to all the newly single people! it's great out here, isn't it!?

a year-and-a-few months later and i'm still up till dawn and later rehashing why she's bullshit and how the hell was i so naive and foolish to stay with her. the first year was great - exactly what you'd want in a relationship. then she got sick - no sex for 6 months, severely strict diet (no going out to restaurants/bars) - and i stuck around cause i thought it was the right thing to do, because the first year showed that something worthwhile was still possible. but i got nothing out of it. we could have sex again but it was still problematic and never the same. then the winter blues sets in and she wants out. a week later she's sleeping with her high school friend who had showed up in town a month earlier. people saw them out, she was eating regular food, smoking weed, having fun - none of which seemed possible when we were together. the majority of the relationship revolved around what she couldn't do but it was my first serious relationship and i had no precedent. so much regret and bitterness for having wasted so much time doing what i thought was the right thing only to be summarily dismissed.

i want to rip apart time and space to remove those two years from existence. i want my mind to be rid of this cognitive dissonance. i want to plainly see that it is a beautiful day and that there are some gorgeous girls in this town. today i'm going to hike into the woods for a few hours, see where that gets me.

Do it. If you can, tell friends to not tell you ANYTHING about this person, not what she looks like, is doing, who she is with, etc. Cut off contact with those who can't resist. I very much understand that you had to stick with it at the time and it was good of you to do so despite hardships, but when it comes down to it, things did not work when those were removed. Or she used you during her downtime and dropped you when she was better.

Don't regret what you did -- you were trying to be a good person, and did a good thing, whether that is acknowledged or not. The sad thing is that the things we do for people do not necessarily pan out, but know that you did something good in the world -- and if you look for it, out there, the world will provide for you in some different way.

Also, a year on, therapy could be a good idea.

For what it's worth, on another note, I stuck with someone for much, much longer than I should have and bailed out at what could have been her lowest point. Honestly, I wish I'd left much earlier, but the side effect is that there has not been one moment that I regret ending that relationship, years ago. Just be thankful that your life didn't turn to shit before you were able to get out.

Don't regret what you did -- you were trying to be a good person, and did a good thing, whether that is acknowledged or not. The sad thing is that the things we do for people do not necessarily pan out, but know that you did something good in the world -- and if you look for it, out there, the world will provide for you in some different way.

100% otm. and i would second the therapy recommendation if this is still causing you so much anguish more than a year on.

if i added up the days/weeks/months/years i wasted on awful terrible guys, i would probably be mortified. it's done, and i regret most of it, but i can't undo any of it. to sit around feeling miserable about it for the rest of your life is like letting that person/s, who treated you horribly, win.

hiking in the woods OTM.

^^^^

I misread it as hiding in the woods and was going to otm it

hiking's okay too

thanks yall for being so kind. i feel much more calmed down and a bit better. only a few hours sleep had me on edge. your extra perspective is great. the hike was excellent and overgrown and i got dive-bombed by some swallows and my head was clear for a bit. therapy is a good call. more hiking is a good idea too.

yes, yes it is.

I am more of an urban hiking dude and like going to an unfamiliar city, works too

the unfamiliar is key. dissociation from the regular, stressful environ and all that. i always overlook it.

I find just walking at night in general can be enlivening, especially if you have a gorgeous view of a full moon/stars or some lovely city lights on water to eyeball. Freezing weather a bonus if not wet: snaps the mind into nothing but "dear god its cold".

* You left everything messier than you found it.
* You dropped bigoted and sexist terms comfortably, for emphasis, and insisted it didn't make you a bigot or a sexist.
* You're a prescription drug addict who abuses pills, no matter what your doctor says.
* You refused to dance, ride a bike, go in the water, or get sand on you.
* You have an STD that, while statistically almost impossible to pass on, you should have warned me about up front, and when the info came out you said you thought I would have known from your blog.
* You couldn't make conversation with my friends without making everything about you and your rock star past, all the time, and you talk too slowly and boringly to keep anyone's attention unless they're being very, very polite.
* Sleep: you would do it 20 hours a day.
* I'm still not sure you didn't purposefully NOT take your anti-seizure med on my birthday, forcing me to leave my party in an ambulance and spend all night in the ER with you, for which I got no flowers and barely any thanks.
* In the end, I found out that if I didn't give you attention 94/7, you would get it elsewhere by any means, positive or negative.

And since burning bridges is your reason for living, let me just burn this one for you: don't come back, you lying shithead.

Oh, fuck THAT guy! Congratulation, Laurel. But now I'm wondering which std is statistically almost impossible to pass on?

* You have an STD that, while statistically almost impossible to pass on, you should have warned me about up front, and when the info came out you said you thought I would have known from your blog.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! x forever

Wow, I hate him.

smdh at this guy. curb is the correct place for him--KUDOS LAUREL.

although OK I have to admit I am now a little curious about this BLOG good god.

For real, you can sleep sprawled out comfortably knowing you did the right thing, Laurelita.

I sort of made that list and put it up to remind myself/solidify all the reasons that FUCK THIS GUY, because for a few hours yesterday I was like, "Well, if he came back with some life resolutions and having done some soul-searching, we could repair this...."

I will sleep in my MADE bed with the covers folded neatly across from me and my pillows perfectly arranged, and NO ONE WILL WAKE ME UP OR MOVE ANYTHING until I wake up the next morning. Thank god.

Although I have to admit that with this one, the sleeping entwined was better than ever before, if it was always that good I wouldn't hate it so much.

Dear Laurel: please let me know where I can find this douchebag so I can kick his teeth in.

Oh man, Laurel. Sure there's some stuff on that list that would be workable on, but there are a bunch of out-and-out dealbreakers. You're far too good for this douche.

xpost lol, I don't even use the term 'douche' very often, but the women of ilx are in agreement: he's a douche.

Yeah, some of those things weren't deal-breakers as long as there were other benefits...and I wouldn't write someone off for having made mistakes in their past, if they had a present & future. But the evidence kept piling up until kablooey.

Also, my friend mentioned me + bf to her hairdresser, who was from his old scene, and the stylist, like, dropped his brush and said, "GIRRRRRRRRL. How did this happen?" and dished on what he used to be like. Still is, as it turns out.

co-signing on douchebag status

do we have a rubber stamp or something? we need to make this official

So glad it's over, this guy doesn't deserve you.

yeah, fuck that guy! you're much, much better off, it sounds like.

on a much less significant note - where does 94/7 come from? is it autocorrected from 24/7 on ILX?

It's an old DC ilx joek, pretty sure.

I think it's because I DIED used to DJ at a club, outside of which you had to stand to smoke, and the awning to the business next door had the address 947 or something, and someone's eye caught it and rolled it into a drunk joke one night, and it stuck.

xpost ah, i see!

You refused to dance, ride a bike, go in the water, or get sand on you.

i feel like you can only refuse to do these 2 of these 4, and that's being lenient. 3 or more is completely unacceptable.

Oh, I forgot one:

At any event you went to, you would find at least one person who angered you so much that you'd spend the whole night threatening to fight them, but where only I could hear you. I think this was supposed to impress me and/or make me worry all night that you were unhappy and liable to cause damage.

That really is the cherry on the dungpile - sounds like the right decision was made all right.

whoa. fuck that guy indeed.

oh no. THAT guy.

I haven't even told you about the time I was at a show, getting happily drunk and FINALLY enjoying the last band to go on, and he came barreling out of the bathroom and said he was just jumped by two people and we had to leave right away because he had knocked them out in the men's room and we should be gone before they came out. I went back in and paid our tab, then walked out to find him, hands cut up and dripping blood.

Once home, I went to the kitchen to get ice for his hands and came back to find him on the floor, having apparently had another seizure and asking me to call an ambulance. So BACK to the hospital we went, to really, really bad results. That night was actually the start of the downhill slide.

that man is a fuck

see, usually when someone jumps you, even if you defend yourself, don't you call the cops or something? sheesh

yeah, he is a dumb stupid. good on you for being awesome throughout the relationship – it doesn't sound like easy chops, and you were like 900x more than he deserved

Oh God Laurel, my last bf displayed about 50% of these tendencies and even half-dose was infuriating. Sleep, no fun exertions, anger, hidden dodgy past I found out about on a blog...

i couldn't really tell from the BP thread what was up with this dude, but shit. crazy!

yeah yr reasons seem pretty clearcut, L.

onwards and upwards!

oh Laurel, this guy is a piece of work, and I am glad it won't be you that has to do that work any more. best wishes!

ugh, laurel i didn't know it was this bad. i was in the path of the seizure on your birthday and it was pretty scary in a "why is this person knocking me over and kicking me?" way and of course once i realized what was happening also scary - sorry it sounds like that was a regular occurence :(

glad he is kicked to the curb. let's get "boys are jerks" drinks soon.

oh and for good measure, i am over my breakup too. like so totally.

Awesome! I'm glad for you, bell. Let's hang out, possibly the weekend after this one! I'll be away for this one.

sounds good!

Laurel, wow. Fuck this guy.

Sleep, no fun exertions, anger, hidden dodgy past I found out about on a blog...

Okay, now I'm really curious!!