thread to get over a breakup

;_;

Balls, sorry to hear that.

man, even after about 9 months after the breakup, and after several months with someone new that i really like, every so often a memory will hit me out of nowhere and it's so painful to think about. thankfully these surprise moments of agony are getting fewer and farther between, but they never really go away, do they?

no

but they become less frequent, and less intense over time

dude, 9 months is still pretty soon - esp. considering you were with your ex for what, 6 years?

in that respect i don't think 9 months is a very long time. like it isn't even 9 months, it's almost only 9 months. the way you get close to someone is preverbal & animalistic, & them not being close anymore is such a big change. & parting is just the saddest thing. so that's there. but you end up somewhere different & it's a different time, the sad time is past. still sad but maybe easier to 'consult' without trauma.

+ drake.jpg

i don't think i wanna post itt much but should just flag up that iirc sarahell posted something here once to the effect of "3-6 months is the hardest part" & this was super, savingly comforting to me - not even in the specifics, but just in contradicting the idea that one should have an incrementally, narratively easier time after a breakup

so thank you man

i think it's comforting to think that hard stuff now, or i guess maybe just right now in general, will literally always fade with time, you can basically count on it..

imagine getting over your wisdom teeth operation in 20-30 minutes, you're at 25 minutes right now which isn't so bad

next time your heart aches go get your wisdom teeth taken out, will give you some perspective

wise man once said the best cure for a heartbreak is a punch inna face

hey z s

u cool

ZS ime they do go away but it takes a bunch of years...maybe 3-5? i think it correlates with life changing over time and you eventually get to the point where your life is so diff you cant even imagine how that person could fit into it. After that its mostly good, nostalgic type memories and the bad memories dont hurt at all.

part of the problem is that after a while i forget the bad things and only remember the good things, and then i think maybe we shouldn't have broken up.

if i were otherwise growing as a person perhaps it would be different, but in fact i am shrinking (figuratively)

trying to remember the smallscale everyday texture of old relationships is difficult

oh, thanks for the kind advice everyone. i didn't mean to make things seem worse than they are. i'm ok. and i still remember the bad things along with the good. i'm better off now, and so is she.

You saved me from a feeling of total non-existence, and I finally realised I was capable of feeling actual love towards a specific person. I guess these things will stand me in good stead sometime down the line but right now this is the worst I've ever felt ;_;

:-/ i'm sorry. did it just happen?

No, it's been about 6 weeks now. I seem to be in a horrible weekly cycle of feeling kinda down-but-sorta-alright, then having some sort of moment of realisation of the awfulness of the situation and sinking into a trough of despond and then being kinda-ok again. The size of the troughs seems to be getting bigger with time, which I don't like. I guess at some point they'll start to recede again.

I guess one helpful thing is just to know that it's normal to have the troughs, and it's normal to feel like you're finally emerging out of the terribleness, only to have it slam you down again, twice as hard. It's probably not too nice to hear "you will be sad about this again! and again! and then again!", but for me it was helpful because I needed to know that I wasn't a total failure for not being able to get over it and move on more quickly. Staying active helps, too (not that I follow my own advice on that).

Thanks Z S

Actually just off to meet up with her now. I think we need to clear the air a bit; I've been stewing in my own paranoia for too long, dwelling on things that probably never existed.

good luck!

That kind of went ok. We cleared up some things that were troubling me, and they maybe weren't things I wanted to hear necessarily, but I guess it's sorted things out in my head a bit. I accidentally went on a 20mile bike ride afterwards where I went through a whole load of emotions. I think I'm almost at the point where we can be best friends who can laugh at a load of stuff, but I'm thinking it'll be amazing (by amazing, I mean completely devastating) if she meets someone else who can love her like i did/do.

One way of looking at this is that the way I've acted is pretty similar to how I treated my ex*, so I've had it coming. On the other hand I finally overcame a lot of the hang-ups I had as a result of that relationship and it still came to nothing. What now.

just keep moving on don't worry about things coming to something or whatever

^^completely impractical advice for such an emotional sitch but like I think it's true maybe, and I guess what I'm trying to say is don't beat yourself up

What I meant to say is what I've been through is kind of how I treated my previous girlfriend. Not that it really matters, but maybe I shouldn't post off my ancient phone. I'll blame that for my bad communication.

That is good advice, really. It's hard to accept but I think it's just where I need to head towards.

I think I'm almost at the point where we can be best friends who can laugh at a load of stuff,

why does everyone think this?

i don't think everyone does

it's just that so many posts on this thread are like, "hey, but we're gonna just be best friends now" - and ime, that tends not to be the case

i am pleased to be on friendly terms with my exes and may exchange emails periodically, but certainly we are not 'best friends'

yeah, same here

you gotta be your own person

Fair point. We were friends (but not super close) before we got together so it's not really like I'm desperately trying to hold on to her in any way possible. Right?

Previous relationship, we were together for 5 years, lived together for 3, and I've spoken to her maybe twice in the last year. I'm not proud of this or anything, it's awkward and I don't really know what to do about it but perhaps it's just how things go.

Ah, I've reminded myself of bookmarking this thread when that ended, but actually I got over that quite easily. Those were the days, when I was mostly consumed with guilt. You know where you are with guilt.

nah, you do what you need to do. i think being best friends is unlikely to work or be helpful to you, but who knows.

It can work, but I think you have to have been close friends before the relationship, and the breakup needs to have not been too ugly as well. Im v close to 2 exes, but one I had to really be away from him for a fair time before we fell back into our oldfriendship. We still only catch up maybe 1-2 times a month if that, but latelyt we've been working on music together so weve been talking more. Its good to get back to.

I had to really be away from him for a fair time

this is key ime

nah i just meant it's important to cultivate some independent time

I can't stop thinking about this alternate universe where it didn't happen and there is just no way for me to imagine it being any worse than this living in a tiny box in shitty Brooklyn, lingering at work because I'm so lonely, no change in sight life I've got now.

At the same time, she is demonstrably better off, and I'm... happy isn't the right word, but I think it's a good thing and that's what I want for her.

Ow.

I think your probably demonstrably better off too

you shifted the goalposts on yourself there

http://static7.businessinsider.com/image/3db9b9147cc3914992a01900/hindenburg.jpg

Fuck, I loved you so fucking much and you loved me so fucking much and we wanted this to work so bad but it just didn't; I'm looking forward to being friends w/ you in the future and all but yo this shit fucking sucks, I'm out, peace

http://gifsoup.com/view4/1324222/mic-drop-charlie-murphy-o.gif

oh no :(

sorry man

this is my first breakup btw

this is not fun