thread to get over a breakup

You saved me from a feeling of total non-existence, and I finally realised I was capable of feeling actual love towards a specific person. I guess these things will stand me in good stead sometime down the line but right now this is the worst I've ever felt ;_;

:-/ i'm sorry. did it just happen?

No, it's been about 6 weeks now. I seem to be in a horrible weekly cycle of feeling kinda down-but-sorta-alright, then having some sort of moment of realisation of the awfulness of the situation and sinking into a trough of despond and then being kinda-ok again. The size of the troughs seems to be getting bigger with time, which I don't like. I guess at some point they'll start to recede again.

I guess one helpful thing is just to know that it's normal to have the troughs, and it's normal to feel like you're finally emerging out of the terribleness, only to have it slam you down again, twice as hard. It's probably not too nice to hear "you will be sad about this again! and again! and then again!", but for me it was helpful because I needed to know that I wasn't a total failure for not being able to get over it and move on more quickly. Staying active helps, too (not that I follow my own advice on that).

Thanks Z S

Actually just off to meet up with her now. I think we need to clear the air a bit; I've been stewing in my own paranoia for too long, dwelling on things that probably never existed.

good luck!

That kind of went ok. We cleared up some things that were troubling me, and they maybe weren't things I wanted to hear necessarily, but I guess it's sorted things out in my head a bit. I accidentally went on a 20mile bike ride afterwards where I went through a whole load of emotions. I think I'm almost at the point where we can be best friends who can laugh at a load of stuff, but I'm thinking it'll be amazing (by amazing, I mean completely devastating) if she meets someone else who can love her like i did/do.

One way of looking at this is that the way I've acted is pretty similar to how I treated my ex*, so I've had it coming. On the other hand I finally overcame a lot of the hang-ups I had as a result of that relationship and it still came to nothing. What now.

just keep moving on don't worry about things coming to something or whatever

^^completely impractical advice for such an emotional sitch but like I think it's true maybe, and I guess what I'm trying to say is don't beat yourself up

What I meant to say is what I've been through is kind of how I treated my previous girlfriend. Not that it really matters, but maybe I shouldn't post off my ancient phone. I'll blame that for my bad communication.

That is good advice, really. It's hard to accept but I think it's just where I need to head towards.

I think I'm almost at the point where we can be best friends who can laugh at a load of stuff,

why does everyone think this?

i don't think everyone does

it's just that so many posts on this thread are like, "hey, but we're gonna just be best friends now" - and ime, that tends not to be the case

i am pleased to be on friendly terms with my exes and may exchange emails periodically, but certainly we are not 'best friends'

yeah, same here

you gotta be your own person

Fair point. We were friends (but not super close) before we got together so it's not really like I'm desperately trying to hold on to her in any way possible. Right?

Previous relationship, we were together for 5 years, lived together for 3, and I've spoken to her maybe twice in the last year. I'm not proud of this or anything, it's awkward and I don't really know what to do about it but perhaps it's just how things go.

Ah, I've reminded myself of bookmarking this thread when that ended, but actually I got over that quite easily. Those were the days, when I was mostly consumed with guilt. You know where you are with guilt.

nah, you do what you need to do. i think being best friends is unlikely to work or be helpful to you, but who knows.

It can work, but I think you have to have been close friends before the relationship, and the breakup needs to have not been too ugly as well. Im v close to 2 exes, but one I had to really be away from him for a fair time before we fell back into our oldfriendship. We still only catch up maybe 1-2 times a month if that, but latelyt we've been working on music together so weve been talking more. Its good to get back to.

I had to really be away from him for a fair time

this is key ime

nah i just meant it's important to cultivate some independent time

I can't stop thinking about this alternate universe where it didn't happen and there is just no way for me to imagine it being any worse than this living in a tiny box in shitty Brooklyn, lingering at work because I'm so lonely, no change in sight life I've got now.

At the same time, she is demonstrably better off, and I'm... happy isn't the right word, but I think it's a good thing and that's what I want for her.

Ow.

I think your probably demonstrably better off too

you shifted the goalposts on yourself there

http://static7.businessinsider.com/image/3db9b9147cc3914992a01900/hindenburg.jpg

Fuck, I loved you so fucking much and you loved me so fucking much and we wanted this to work so bad but it just didn't; I'm looking forward to being friends w/ you in the future and all but yo this shit fucking sucks, I'm out, peace

http://gifsoup.com/view4/1324222/mic-drop-charlie-murphy-o.gif

oh no :(

sorry man

this is my first breakup btw

this is not fun

like I seriously cannot deal w/ this and also all of it's stupid fucking horrible no-good awful ramifications

i know imaginary hugs are not much use but i'm sending you one anyway Stevie

Me too, Stevie. <3

:( :( Stevie

stay strong brother

<3 stevie

it really will get better

past few days have been good but today was kind of awful when I realized how I now have to move everything into the category of past-tense, like "We used to go clubs and vogue wildly at each other like there was no one else in the room to notice" or "he used to laugh when I said stupid little kid things in stupid little kid voices" or "I used to smile so much when he would get rly sweet and tell me how much he loved me"

also the first of time actually experiencing the megacliche of missing your partner's annoying habits, like how he would snuggle w/ me in his sleep w/o realizing it and I'd move his arm off of me bcz it was like 90 degrees and it would just come flying back over my chest 3 seconds later

I would call all of my friends when I would randomly burst into tears and just say I'm crying I'm crying I'm crying over and over again

like I would call one and then another and then another, that helped me, just do whatever ridiculous things you need to do to get by, those days when shit just randomly hits your chest are hard

I haven't even cried yet! I just feel bummed out and like easily irritated but I actually really do want the big hysterical drama-queen Kleenex meltdown

but idk I have dealt w/ pretty heavy shit in life and not cried so ¯\_(o_o)_/¯

sorry to hear it man. :(

post-breakup is pretty much the worst feeling ever for a few days (ok more like months in my case but i was married and there were logistical reasons that kept reminding me of it pretty much every day), tho i found that when i did manage to go out and hang with friends and have fun and forget about it for a while there was this weird crazy intensity to it, the kind of desperate-let's-have-fun-right-now feeling i expect you'd have if you were told you only had six months to live or something.

being social is helping tremendously; I mean we spent almost every day together for 9mos and I was a total shut-in and now I am all about hanging out at coffee shops and going for walks and hanging out with everyone and shit.

yeah, do something you never did when you were in a relationship. You'll discover something you like that doesn't constantly remind you of him.

Thinking of you, Stevie.

So apparently someone made a fake okcupid profile of my ex with stuff that, she says, only I would know. I did not do this, and now I'm A) worried and creeped out that someone has pulled this stalkery shit and B) completely crushed that she can imagine me doing this.

I am amazed that circumstances somehow found a way to make this worse.

Christ, that's terrible.

Just arrived in a new city/country and wondering whether I should jump right in, or wait to see if IRL will provide. Leaning towards waiting.