thread to get over a breakup

i am pleased to be on friendly terms with my exes and may exchange emails periodically, but certainly we are not 'best friends'

yeah, same here

you gotta be your own person

Fair point. We were friends (but not super close) before we got together so it's not really like I'm desperately trying to hold on to her in any way possible. Right?

Previous relationship, we were together for 5 years, lived together for 3, and I've spoken to her maybe twice in the last year. I'm not proud of this or anything, it's awkward and I don't really know what to do about it but perhaps it's just how things go.

Ah, I've reminded myself of bookmarking this thread when that ended, but actually I got over that quite easily. Those were the days, when I was mostly consumed with guilt. You know where you are with guilt.

nah, you do what you need to do. i think being best friends is unlikely to work or be helpful to you, but who knows.

It can work, but I think you have to have been close friends before the relationship, and the breakup needs to have not been too ugly as well. Im v close to 2 exes, but one I had to really be away from him for a fair time before we fell back into our oldfriendship. We still only catch up maybe 1-2 times a month if that, but latelyt we've been working on music together so weve been talking more. Its good to get back to.

I had to really be away from him for a fair time

this is key ime

nah i just meant it's important to cultivate some independent time

I can't stop thinking about this alternate universe where it didn't happen and there is just no way for me to imagine it being any worse than this living in a tiny box in shitty Brooklyn, lingering at work because I'm so lonely, no change in sight life I've got now.

At the same time, she is demonstrably better off, and I'm... happy isn't the right word, but I think it's a good thing and that's what I want for her.

Ow.

I think your probably demonstrably better off too

you shifted the goalposts on yourself there

http://static7.businessinsider.com/image/3db9b9147cc3914992a01900/hindenburg.jpg

Fuck, I loved you so fucking much and you loved me so fucking much and we wanted this to work so bad but it just didn't; I'm looking forward to being friends w/ you in the future and all but yo this shit fucking sucks, I'm out, peace

http://gifsoup.com/view4/1324222/mic-drop-charlie-murphy-o.gif

oh no :(

sorry man

this is my first breakup btw

this is not fun

like I seriously cannot deal w/ this and also all of it's stupid fucking horrible no-good awful ramifications

i know imaginary hugs are not much use but i'm sending you one anyway Stevie

Me too, Stevie. <3

:( :( Stevie

stay strong brother

<3 stevie

it really will get better

past few days have been good but today was kind of awful when I realized how I now have to move everything into the category of past-tense, like "We used to go clubs and vogue wildly at each other like there was no one else in the room to notice" or "he used to laugh when I said stupid little kid things in stupid little kid voices" or "I used to smile so much when he would get rly sweet and tell me how much he loved me"

also the first of time actually experiencing the megacliche of missing your partner's annoying habits, like how he would snuggle w/ me in his sleep w/o realizing it and I'd move his arm off of me bcz it was like 90 degrees and it would just come flying back over my chest 3 seconds later

I would call all of my friends when I would randomly burst into tears and just say I'm crying I'm crying I'm crying over and over again

like I would call one and then another and then another, that helped me, just do whatever ridiculous things you need to do to get by, those days when shit just randomly hits your chest are hard

I haven't even cried yet! I just feel bummed out and like easily irritated but I actually really do want the big hysterical drama-queen Kleenex meltdown

but idk I have dealt w/ pretty heavy shit in life and not cried so ¯\_(o_o)_/¯

sorry to hear it man. :(

post-breakup is pretty much the worst feeling ever for a few days (ok more like months in my case but i was married and there were logistical reasons that kept reminding me of it pretty much every day), tho i found that when i did manage to go out and hang with friends and have fun and forget about it for a while there was this weird crazy intensity to it, the kind of desperate-let's-have-fun-right-now feeling i expect you'd have if you were told you only had six months to live or something.

being social is helping tremendously; I mean we spent almost every day together for 9mos and I was a total shut-in and now I am all about hanging out at coffee shops and going for walks and hanging out with everyone and shit.

yeah, do something you never did when you were in a relationship. You'll discover something you like that doesn't constantly remind you of him.

Thinking of you, Stevie.

So apparently someone made a fake okcupid profile of my ex with stuff that, she says, only I would know. I did not do this, and now I'm A) worried and creeped out that someone has pulled this stalkery shit and B) completely crushed that she can imagine me doing this.

I am amazed that circumstances somehow found a way to make this worse.

Christ, that's terrible.

Just arrived in a new city/country and wondering whether I should jump right in, or wait to see if IRL will provide. Leaning towards waiting.

Sorry, that was an OKC reference - mistook this for the OKC thread.

wow what a shitty thing to do to someone! I'm v sorry en, that's a bad situation to have to deal with

Alright, she send me screenshots, my guess is that some teenager/socially-inept college kid wanted to talk to lesbian hipster girls (fake profile lists her as gay) and used her pictures and some of her essay answers. The information that only I would know, btw, is that she has a thing for James Franco, watched Buffy, and has read a handful of books that pretty much everyone who's ever mentioned James Franco and Buffy has read.

I understand that she was in identity theft panic mode, but jesus christ how did things get so far from how they should be that when something like this happens I'm a potential culprit instead of the first person she turns to for help?

Oh en, that hurts.

jesus

I'm off the hook now in her mind, at least.

Until she finds out her milk has spoiled, and then you be the one who was behind it.

You must have fucked with the expiration date! How could you?

ok actual lol

thank you

I'm also just horrified generally that some nutbar would make fake OKC profiles from other people's pictures and interestes WTF D:

thank christ I've been able to delete mine recently

OK so real talk, enough of my bitching and whining. How do I establish and maintain a healthy friendship with my ex? How long do I wait btwn break-up and reconnection? What are things to avoid? Things I am thinking:

-give myself at least two weeks, maybe even 3 before I reach out/talk to him again so that when I see him again it's not like "oh look my boyfriend!!"
-try to avoid cutesy/flirty/romantic type things I have done in the past; try to withhold excessive affection
-it may be really awkward the first time we hang out! But that might be inevitable and doesn't mean we should just give up

This is all speculation as I've never been in a relationship before so I've never had to deal w/ this. Tips/tricks plz!

That all sounds pretty good, and advice I should've followed myself 2 months ago.

That is good real talk, although I don't think you can/should put yourself on a specific timeline. . . it may be months, or years, or never before you are ready to try a friendship.