thread to get over a breakup

Real talk: it's probably too soon to initiate anything like normal post-dating relations. I know that sucks, because even if you just want to spend some time with him because you did for so long and now you can't, it may be actually worse if you do.

When your headspace is better, I'd suggest meeting for lunch or something similarly harmless. As time passes, you'll begin seeing him as this different person. You'll remember dating him, but there will be a disconnect between that him and this him. If you try to do it too soon, though, you'll be mired in longing and sorrow and it will make reaching that point take longer and it will be a lot rougher on your heart.

^ otm

^^^^

yeah

2-3 weeks is really not very long at all

Fuck :( I miss him so much and I just want to see him/know he's doing well/etc but I suppose that is exactly why it is still way too soon

awww :/, yeah. I'm sorry Stevie - it can be so hard. Take care of yourself.

I guess asking his friends who are (or I guess were) sort of my friends how he's doing is kind of a no-no?

I want to do it but then when I think abt how I would deal w/ like any possible response (he is doing well and has moved on; he is doing awful and misses you so much; etc) all of them make me super sad

So my advice for me is no Steve don't do that

Technically yeah it's probably a no-no and most people would advise against it. However, that's not to say that nearly everyone who has ever gone though a breakup hasn't done something similar because they totally have and it's only natural that you want to do so too.

Just saying that you shouldn't feel bad for wanting to do that but you're right in that it's not a good idea because, really, what good could come of it?

it's never easy for anyone, first time or 10th time. keep advising yourself in that calm way, and that will help -- don't squash those instincts, tease them out and be your own counsel. those instincts are natural, but the best thing you can do is *not* act on them, at least for a little while. you were together for some time, there's a lot of, I dunno, muscle memory? going on.

One of my friends just broke up with her boyfriend of nearly two years and said something about coping with breakups that may sting, but will be helpful in the long run: "I’m not saying this to sound weirdly braggy, but I’m usually pretty okay at the end of relationships, as far as freaking out goes. I mean, I’ll freak out, but I’ll do it alone, at home, and I’ll keep the phone at bay — and not because I necessarily have some superhuman willpower, but I just put myself in the other person’s shoes and really think about being on the receiving end of unwanted affection, and I don’t want to be the person someone out there is cringing about. Ugh. So I usually faithfully stick to that important no-contact phase."

I think knowing they have good ppl around them looking out for them makes a big difference, because it can be really heartbreaking. as long as yr not completely obsessing or freaking out over something specific I think it's good to give each other lots of space for at least a few months while you gradually readjust. meet ups where two devastated ppl try to put on brave faces to protect each other are the saddest thing in the world imo

-you have a t-shirt with borat on it that said "sexytimes"
-you are 41 but more emotionally stunted than most people i've dated in their 20s
-you once took me to a "show" that was at least 50% spoken word poetry and also had an interpretive dance performance + you also like tom waits a lot = you are probably one year away from growing a soul patch and wearing fedoras, tops. i dodged a bullet here.
-you have no spine and adopted a cat you didn't want just because your ex was pressuring you to take him, and you whined to me about it a bunch and did it anyway.
-the sex was not nearly as good for me as it was for you. every time you said something like "whoa, people are not supposed to have sex that good" i secretly thought "ho hum".

I just realized, thanks to this thread, that I've finally successfully purged my ex from my mind. It only took roughly the same amount of time we were together, but it's done. Now it just remains to be seen how long it'll take to repair all of the damage I underwent as a result of that breakup.

Good bullet dodging there!

-the sex was not nearly as good for me as it was for you. every time you said something like "whoa, people are not supposed to have sex that good" i secretly thought "ho hum".

poor guy, but also poor YOU.

he deserves this meanness (even though he will never see it), trust me.

I'm sure he does. I just meant "poor guy" in the sense that he's probably going around thinking he's good at sex when, really, he maybe isn't.

Eh, better than the other way around.

i'm now feeling that that is a petty low blow (though not undeserved) and replace it with:
-you had a bottle of marilyn manson's brand of absinth, "mansithe" in your cupboard, and it was nearly empty.

I take it back. Fuck that guy.

after what we've heard, not likely!

(sorry, he sounds like an absolute weenie, good riddance for real)

"mansinthe"!

oh my god, mansinthe.

xpost

looool i just tried to go to the mansinthe website and the google insterstitial threw up a malware warning

the weird thing was that he was SO PROUD of that bottle and showed it to me like 4 different times!! did he expect me to be impressed? no clue!

http://data.whicdn.com/images/10778565/Mansinthe_by_buildanewgod_thumb.png

o_@

I'm sure absinthe is delightful and all, but most of the people I've met who are wild about it are people I'd never want to spend more than five minutes with.

manson also recently wrote a fanfic version of johnathan franzen's novel the corrections

The Manrections

wow, he's a real rennaissance manson

It's funny how, from a certain angle, a laundry list of complaints about an ex can look like the ridiculously OTT traits of someone you would never in a million years consider dating. Ohhhhh, the things we tolerate.

i think posting all this stuff effectively got me over my breakup in record time.

I would just like to say something to you that someone said to me that was otm and it is: Girl, send that plate of shit back to the kitchen.

I'm sure absinthe is delightful and all, but most of the people I've met who are wild about it are people I'd never want to spend more than five minutes with.

― Johnny Fever, Tuesday, September 4, 2012 9:37 PM (57 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

;_;

Are you wild about it, though? Because I've talked to you a fair amount and every other conversation isn't dotted with "this one time we had absinthe and..." or "I bought some absinthe so we could...". I'm mostly talking about people who live for the stuff or would, like, buy a Marilyn Manson brand called "Mansinthe".

Holy crap b_g, that guy sounds like a complete tosser, I'm so sorry.

Mansinthe holy shit

I mean I am trying to have breakup empathy but wtff I just leanred thre is MANSINTHE

My god it has been seven months and it is seriously not getting any better. Still in total disbelief that I let it fall apart.

It feels like I committed some awful crime while I was asleep, now someone keeps telling me what I did and I just keep thinking "What? NO. I could never let that happen."

I dwelled on a particular breakup with varying degrees of intensity and through subsequent relationships for four years. You're still in good shape, imo.

^^^ it happens sometimes and it sucks

^

went outside to get lunch and was walking behind a 40-something couple. while waiting for a light, the woman put her hand on the man's lower back and gave it a little pat/rub/caress for a few seconds. it was no big thing, maybe even kind of absent-minded.

i really miss that a lot.

So it'll have been a month this week and we are getting dinner on Friday and I feel like this is an okayish idea