thread to get over a breakup

Message Bookmarked
Bookmark Removed
Not all messages are displayed: show all messages (4041 of them)

I still find shit like that every once in a while and know exactly how it feels. It sucks :-(

shohreh aja/danteloo (Stevie D(eux)), Sunday, 16 June 2013 22:09 (eleven years ago) link

that happened to me once about a year after a breakup:

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x18/gr8080/note.jpg

:(

http://threeframes.net (gr8080), Monday, 17 June 2013 14:44 (eleven years ago) link

Jeez.

how's life, Monday, 17 June 2013 14:46 (eleven years ago) link

A little over two years out and just found out about the requisite 'marrying the dude I got ditched for'. I feel today will be a lot of running to stand still.

shaane, Friday, 21 June 2013 15:54 (eleven years ago) link

Good luck with handling that, shaane. Tough deal, but it sounds like you're not going to crumble.

you may not like it now but you will (Zora), Friday, 21 June 2013 17:55 (eleven years ago) link

two months pass...

- eternal reminder to self to never get involved with another person who even comes close to being an alcoholic, chain-smoking, self-hating, selfish, intimacy-fearing, borderline-aspergers, unemployed punk/rock musician who loves his dog more than his girlfriend

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Sunday, 1 September 2013 13:54 (eleven years ago) link

Internet hug from belgium - you rule and I + everyone on ILX <3 <3 <3 u

StanM, Sunday, 1 September 2013 15:01 (eleven years ago) link

Oh rrrobyn! It can take some time to be sure that the person really is those things. Generous people like you probably allow a lot of time. There's an upside to that as well as the nasty downside. But yeah, good advice to self.

ljubljana, Sunday, 1 September 2013 15:05 (eleven years ago) link

/hugs rrobyn, and can I just jump this bandwagon and say

- eternal reminder to self to never get involved with another person who even comes close to being an alcoholic, chain-smoking, self-hating, selfish, intimacy-fearing, borderline-aspergers, unemployed punk/rock workaholic indie musician who loves his dogcar more than his girlfriend

you may not like it now but you will (Zora), Sunday, 1 September 2013 15:14 (eleven years ago) link

That seems like a selfish post (mine). How are you doing, rrobyn? I hope you're ok, healthily bitter like rocket, not unhealthily bitter like old lettuce.

/wave ljubljana. How are you?

you may not like it now but you will (Zora), Sunday, 1 September 2013 15:39 (eleven years ago) link

thanks, guys <3

not a selfish post at all, zora - it's good to know i'm not alone and that having hope in love isn't a crazy thing to possess. though i should've known... i'm not bitter really, just hurt (and feeling quite misunderstood by an irrational person). i know it's definitely good for me to not be in that relationship! i usually don't go out with people like that, at least not for that long, but i felt like there were good reasons to keep my heart way open, and so i glossed over a lot of the red flags (so many). it's complicated stuff, but whoa do i know what i really need in a relationship now (and what i really don't need) and that keeping my heart open isn't a bad thing - i just need to listen much better to what my heart/intuition tells me...

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Sunday, 1 September 2013 16:06 (eleven years ago) link

Being misunderstood is so bloody frustrating.

/hi Zora! I'm ok. I don't really know what the hell I'm doing at the moment but I'm plodding on regardless, ready to veer off if necessary. I miss you when you don't post!

ljubljana, Sunday, 1 September 2013 16:09 (eleven years ago) link

basically required some heavy crying followed by superb hangouts with friends followed by dancing in my livingroom to this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3szM702Ofk

xp

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Sunday, 1 September 2013 16:12 (eleven years ago) link

(ironically, sung by an anxiety-ridden alcoholic... sigh.)

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Sunday, 1 September 2013 16:19 (eleven years ago) link

hugs rrrobyn <3

and that is an A+ dancing song given the circumstances

set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Sunday, 1 September 2013 16:28 (eleven years ago) link

mm, is there anything better than dating an irrational person who chronically misunderstands you? feelin you here. good riddance to bad rubbish imo

1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Sunday, 1 September 2013 18:43 (eleven years ago) link

dated this dude too many times, tbh :/ and yeah, don't beat yourself up for keeping your heart open despite the red flags. it doesn't say anything bad about you.

1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Sunday, 1 September 2013 18:44 (eleven years ago) link

<3 rrrobyn

HOOS it because...of steen???? (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Sunday, 1 September 2013 19:08 (eleven years ago) link

<3

god yeah i really and truly hope i don't, i mean, i am just not never going to date a dude like this again
here's an awesome kicker: last night, sad and only mildly drunk and yet also sound in the knowledge that i don't need this relationship in my life yet i'm still sentimental about it and the different kinds of love/not-love that we all go through and trying to feel through that and all these ~feelings~, i posted the mtn goats "love love love" on fb. looking through fb this morning, i see in the wee hours that he posted the mtn goats "no children." yep. (argh social media whyyy)

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Sunday, 1 September 2013 19:22 (eleven years ago) link

lol *not ever* i obv mean

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Sunday, 1 September 2013 19:23 (eleven years ago) link

It's clear who's to blame there, but it's too late - we've lost our chance to stop the Mountain Goats.

(Also really sorry to hear this, but it looks like things'll be getting better in a post-loser world?)

(Also also you've cut the fb cord now, right?)

Andrew Farrell, Sunday, 1 September 2013 19:56 (eleven years ago) link

avoiding the ex on fb in situations like this is key!

At least it worked for me, when I realized it was necessary and keeping that line of connection open was just more painful than not.

not some dude poking a Line 6 pedal with his dick (sarahell), Sunday, 1 September 2013 22:49 (eleven years ago) link

never get involved with another person who even comes close to being an alcoholic, chain-smoking, self-hating, selfish, intimacy-fearing, unemployed punk/rock musician who loves his dog drugs more than his girlfriend

Girrrrrrrl we need to stop being the same person.

Tottenham Heelspur (in orbit), Sunday, 1 September 2013 23:41 (eleven years ago) link

I am sorry for u but also really happy for u! that you are out of this. Because you are SO much more.

Tottenham Heelspur (in orbit), Sunday, 1 September 2013 23:42 (eleven years ago) link

don't beat yourself up for keeping your heart open despite the red flags

This is a quandary I find myself in often - nearly all of us have some sort of red flags, and ruling them out because of them would leave a tiny remaining pool of prospective partners. Not to mention nobody walking the planet would ever date me since I hemorrhage red flags.

I'm unable to be in love with someone without seeing her in the best possible light. It's when I start seeing things that aren't really there that I get in trouble. I know there's a limit to how many red flags are acceptable, but it's hard to place just where that limit should be. IME, anyone who has lived an interesting life is likely to have accumulated plenty of baggage and red flags.

Lee626, Monday, 2 September 2013 00:05 (eleven years ago) link

i think we are using the term "red flags" rather differently... everyone has "flaws" and baggage they're carrying around but those are not necessarily red flags, those are just the result of being an individual with background/experiences different from your partner. a relationship includes those and accepts them in a state of open communication and a certain amount of mutual compromise. i'm using the term as something beyond {in)compatibility, as indications of certain manipulative or abusive or just generally hurtful behaviour brewing. i suppose some people can deal with those behaviours in a partner. i cannot.

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Monday, 2 September 2013 05:13 (eleven years ago) link

no one should!

space is deep (mh), Monday, 2 September 2013 05:23 (eleven years ago) link

Yeah the acceptable number of red flags is none (makes note not to go swimming or motor-car racing with Leee)

Andrew Farrell, Monday, 2 September 2013 07:37 (eleven years ago) link

rrroybn, I think I meant "red flags" more or less the same way you did, it's just that I know several of my best relationships over the years could have been sidelined before they ever happened had I let those flags dissuade me. There are certainly *some* of those that would be dealbreakers for me - chronic alcoholism, or verbal or physical abuse of any kind. But I had a great relationship with a girl who could fall into the "self-hating" category, and I made it a point to "correct" her every time she said something untruthfully self-mocking until she started to see herself in a new, proper light. She would tell me she feels like a used-up dishrag; I'd remind her that she was an innocent child who was taken advantage of, and that no kid that young should have been expected to say "no" to adults that had forced themselves on her. I wouldn't let her get away with saying anything bad about herself that wasn't true. And over time, she stopped thinking this way, and there'd be one less red flag in her life. Sometimes she'd ramble off some trivial items about her day and then catch herself, say "I know I'm dull, so i'll stop talking before i bore you to tears", i'd respond "you're fascinating and interesting; I'd love to hear more". And so on.

Just gotta decide which red flags really are dealbreakers and which you can work around. I can't speak for everyone else, but i'm ready to change one or two long-entrenced habits if it means being with someone i love. 5 or 6 habits, though, should probably look elsewhere....

Lee626, Monday, 2 September 2013 15:39 (eleven years ago) link

i don't think you guys are really talking about the same thing but w/e

no fomo (La Lechera), Monday, 2 September 2013 16:13 (eleven years ago) link

^^^

ljubljana, Monday, 2 September 2013 17:12 (eleven years ago) link

^^^

set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Monday, 2 September 2013 17:16 (eleven years ago) link

yeah we're not really. but what you're saying makes sense and I def found myself saying such words of praise to him, often, bc that was how I truly felt. But someone has to want to move past the past and certain self-defeating things they've entrenched in their identity.
xps

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Monday, 2 September 2013 17:19 (eleven years ago) link

which I realize, from personal experience, is really fucking hard and takes work and hurts in itself and is a life-long and evolving issue

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Monday, 2 September 2013 17:22 (eleven years ago) link

yeah i'm aware i wasn't talking of exactly the same thing, obv all of you get that, but thought it still relevant. In my cases the red flags developed from things out of their control so maybe I allowed more leeway than usual, or maybe I could relate to them having experienced similar things myself. I just don't want us all expecting for perfect, flawless mates and expecting to find them.

574 srsly (Lee626), Monday, 2 September 2013 20:14 (eleven years ago) link

I'm quite sure no one here expects perfect, flawless mates nor to be expected to be perfect and flawless.

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Tuesday, 3 September 2013 01:04 (eleven years ago) link

so perfect & flawless is out, and so are too many red flags. What I was trying to get at is just where should that line be drawn, and how many (or what types) of red flags we should find acceptable and be willing to deal with?

574 srsly (Lee626), Tuesday, 3 September 2013 01:21 (eleven years ago) link

Kinda depends? Obviously?

no fomo (La Lechera), Tuesday, 3 September 2013 01:22 (eleven years ago) link

this is not 'getting over a breakup talk'

hi rrrobyn, sounds like you made good choice here imo

"Asshole Lost in Coughdrop": THAT'S a story (darraghmac), Tuesday, 3 September 2013 01:24 (eleven years ago) link

thanks dmac
yeah i'm not going to get wrapped up here in talking about the finer points of flaws vs abusive relationships when my heart and mind have been kind of fucked over for the past nine months and i'm still figuring out which side is up, so, yeah, another thread...

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Tuesday, 3 September 2013 01:58 (eleven years ago) link

and haha, re: mountain goats fb postings i mentioned above - i was telling a friend about that and how 'no children' (and many of j's song's) are stories about characters and such, and that that made it actually both wtf hurtful and (ruefully) wtf hilarious to me at the same time that he had posted it. and she just sent me this from an mtv interview:
"The thing is, I have empathy for every character I sing through. But that song, “No Children,” is kind of funny and I’m not laughing with those people, I’m laughing at them. It’s funny to watch people who are that messed up. It’s maybe not the most admirable trait in a human being to be amused by that, and I think that’s why I try to have some empathy for them. But the funny parts of that song? That’s not me saying, “Hey, isn’t it hilarious how people treat each other bad?” It’s me saying, “You guys are wasting your single opportunity to occupy this human body.” I don’t have any admiration for them. If I had any admiration, it’s the same admiration you have for a smoking wreck. It looks kind of awesome. But you don’t want one in your back yard."

YEP.

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Tuesday, 3 September 2013 02:03 (eleven years ago) link

i am getting over this breakup with FACTS

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Tuesday, 3 September 2013 02:03 (eleven years ago) link

(p.s. he removed it from his fb at least)

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Tuesday, 3 September 2013 02:04 (eleven years ago) link

you should remove him from yours!

not some dude poking a Line 6 pedal with his dick (sarahell), Tuesday, 3 September 2013 02:05 (eleven years ago) link

that's how this thread is supposed to work, right?

not some dude poking a Line 6 pedal with his dick (sarahell), Tuesday, 3 September 2013 02:06 (eleven years ago) link

i know i should, i know, i know

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Tuesday, 3 September 2013 02:07 (eleven years ago) link

breakups are hard (in the time of fb) :(

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Tuesday, 3 September 2013 02:09 (eleven years ago) link

girrrrrl

set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 3 September 2013 02:11 (eleven years ago) link

at least i'm laughing right now about people communicating passive-aggressively on fb through mtn goats songs on youtube. i swear i was just posting love love love bc it is an interesting and strangely sad + lovely song.
ANYWAY.
also laughing at myself. but it's okay.

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Tuesday, 3 September 2013 02:15 (eleven years ago) link

breakups were hard even before FB, but I preferred the news not hitting everyone's wall in real time.

(sry 'bout my earlier OT posts)

574 srsly (Lee626), Tuesday, 3 September 2013 02:15 (eleven years ago) link


You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.