thread to get over a breakup

lol *not ever* i obv mean

It's clear who's to blame there, but it's too late - we've lost our chance to stop the Mountain Goats.

(Also really sorry to hear this, but it looks like things'll be getting better in a post-loser world?)

(Also also you've cut the fb cord now, right?)

avoiding the ex on fb in situations like this is key!

At least it worked for me, when I realized it was necessary and keeping that line of connection open was just more painful than not.

never get involved with another person who even comes close to being an alcoholic, chain-smoking, self-hating, selfish, intimacy-fearing, unemployed punk/rock musician who loves his dog drugs more than his girlfriend

Girrrrrrrl we need to stop being the same person.

I am sorry for u but also really happy for u! that you are out of this. Because you are SO much more.

don't beat yourself up for keeping your heart open despite the red flags

This is a quandary I find myself in often - nearly all of us have some sort of red flags, and ruling them out because of them would leave a tiny remaining pool of prospective partners. Not to mention nobody walking the planet would ever date me since I hemorrhage red flags.

I'm unable to be in love with someone without seeing her in the best possible light. It's when I start seeing things that aren't really there that I get in trouble. I know there's a limit to how many red flags are acceptable, but it's hard to place just where that limit should be. IME, anyone who has lived an interesting life is likely to have accumulated plenty of baggage and red flags.

i think we are using the term "red flags" rather differently... everyone has "flaws" and baggage they're carrying around but those are not necessarily red flags, those are just the result of being an individual with background/experiences different from your partner. a relationship includes those and accepts them in a state of open communication and a certain amount of mutual compromise. i'm using the term as something beyond {in)compatibility, as indications of certain manipulative or abusive or just generally hurtful behaviour brewing. i suppose some people can deal with those behaviours in a partner. i cannot.

no one should!

Yeah the acceptable number of red flags is none (makes note not to go swimming or motor-car racing with Leee)

rrroybn, I think I meant "red flags" more or less the same way you did, it's just that I know several of my best relationships over the years could have been sidelined before they ever happened had I let those flags dissuade me. There are certainly *some* of those that would be dealbreakers for me - chronic alcoholism, or verbal or physical abuse of any kind. But I had a great relationship with a girl who could fall into the "self-hating" category, and I made it a point to "correct" her every time she said something untruthfully self-mocking until she started to see herself in a new, proper light. She would tell me she feels like a used-up dishrag; I'd remind her that she was an innocent child who was taken advantage of, and that no kid that young should have been expected to say "no" to adults that had forced themselves on her. I wouldn't let her get away with saying anything bad about herself that wasn't true. And over time, she stopped thinking this way, and there'd be one less red flag in her life. Sometimes she'd ramble off some trivial items about her day and then catch herself, say "I know I'm dull, so i'll stop talking before i bore you to tears", i'd respond "you're fascinating and interesting; I'd love to hear more". And so on.

Just gotta decide which red flags really are dealbreakers and which you can work around. I can't speak for everyone else, but i'm ready to change one or two long-entrenced habits if it means being with someone i love. 5 or 6 habits, though, should probably look elsewhere....

i don't think you guys are really talking about the same thing but w/e

^^^

^^^

yeah we're not really. but what you're saying makes sense and I def found myself saying such words of praise to him, often, bc that was how I truly felt. But someone has to want to move past the past and certain self-defeating things they've entrenched in their identity.
xps

which I realize, from personal experience, is really fucking hard and takes work and hurts in itself and is a life-long and evolving issue

yeah i'm aware i wasn't talking of exactly the same thing, obv all of you get that, but thought it still relevant. In my cases the red flags developed from things out of their control so maybe I allowed more leeway than usual, or maybe I could relate to them having experienced similar things myself. I just don't want us all expecting for perfect, flawless mates and expecting to find them.

I'm quite sure no one here expects perfect, flawless mates nor to be expected to be perfect and flawless.

so perfect & flawless is out, and so are too many red flags. What I was trying to get at is just where should that line be drawn, and how many (or what types) of red flags we should find acceptable and be willing to deal with?

Kinda depends? Obviously?

this is not 'getting over a breakup talk'

hi rrrobyn, sounds like you made good choice here imo

thanks dmac
yeah i'm not going to get wrapped up here in talking about the finer points of flaws vs abusive relationships when my heart and mind have been kind of fucked over for the past nine months and i'm still figuring out which side is up, so, yeah, another thread...

and haha, re: mountain goats fb postings i mentioned above - i was telling a friend about that and how 'no children' (and many of j's song's) are stories about characters and such, and that that made it actually both wtf hurtful and (ruefully) wtf hilarious to me at the same time that he had posted it. and she just sent me this from an mtv interview:
"The thing is, I have empathy for every character I sing through. But that song, “No Children,” is kind of funny and I’m not laughing with those people, I’m laughing at them. It’s funny to watch people who are that messed up. It’s maybe not the most admirable trait in a human being to be amused by that, and I think that’s why I try to have some empathy for them. But the funny parts of that song? That’s not me saying, “Hey, isn’t it hilarious how people treat each other bad?” It’s me saying, “You guys are wasting your single opportunity to occupy this human body.” I don’t have any admiration for them. If I had any admiration, it’s the same admiration you have for a smoking wreck. It looks kind of awesome. But you don’t want one in your back yard."

YEP.

i am getting over this breakup with FACTS

(p.s. he removed it from his fb at least)

you should remove him from yours!

that's how this thread is supposed to work, right?

i know i should, i know, i know

breakups are hard (in the time of fb) :(

girrrrrl

at least i'm laughing right now about people communicating passive-aggressively on fb through mtn goats songs on youtube. i swear i was just posting love love love bc it is an interesting and strangely sad + lovely song.
ANYWAY.
also laughing at myself. but it's okay.

breakups were hard even before FB, but I preferred the news not hitting everyone's wall in real time.

(sry 'bout my earlier OT posts)

great, I just called the guy who dumped me in May my bf in front of him, way to confirm to myself that I am not getting over this thing and to him that I am a crazy bunny-boiling mad stalker lady or something

we went out for 8 years and still together (at his request) and it is way too easy for my brain to remain in denial, but I still don't want to throw him out bcz it turns out I really like denial I guess. oh and my mental health doesn't do too well when I'm living on my own

sorry, I should just have put that on the updates thread or best of all not even posted it instead of shitting up the zings at exes thread

raghghghhhh at myself

was that 'are still living together'?

you are being super unreasonable on yourself if you are expecting to be "over this thing" already! and i think you do already know that, so please don't let the worst part of your brain twist it against you.

yes, still living together

You're right (thanks) but I just worry I'm actually moving backwards, I guess? like of course it's good that it's not on my mind all the time any more and that we are currently on pretty good terms but I feel like I'm letting my brain completely forget it happened at all until I get some kind of reminder and then it hurts as much as it did the first time, over and over again.

But this stuff is hard, which is not news to anyone. (It's good to have that acknowledged, I guess. The only people who know in my "real life" are friends of both of ours who've been politely avoiding the subject, plus my parents who have at least mostly left the "you have made a mistake, let us brainstorm how you can fix it" stage for now.)

Man, still living is TOUGH, like crazy-difficult. Esp if he is seeing someone else. And wtf you should not feel dumb for accidentally referring to him as your bf when v little of the practical aspects of your relationship have changed.

yikes, that sounds really tough.

I met up with GB for a pint yesterday afternoon. We both went in scowling, with the full intention of breaking up, and after an hour we were laughing at each other's foibles just like always. Neither of us could make the break. Now we're apart and I've remembered all the things I hate about him, all the breaky-uppy things I needed to say. Seven years of this yo-yoing... aargh. Wrong thread, probably.

xp

I cant decide whether thats better or worse than the converse tbh

aps that sounds incredibly tough.

no way, Z i think this is def the right thread for that --- getting over a breakup is hard! there's no rules for how long it should take or how complicated it can get!

But I'm not getting over it Veg! I'm failing to even get to the line! We have broken up a few times before but it never lasts long. This time if we manage to go through with it I'm going to go the full clean slate, delete the phone number, unfriend on FB, all of it. It seems so harsh, but I can't trust my own judgement around the man.

There are things in the flat I won't kiss goodbye to, though. Not after leaving everything behind in the divorce, damn it.

all I know Z is that I see you trying, and I think that counts for something. I certainly don't think any less of you for struggling with it, nor does anyone else itt (imo)

Thanks. I'll continue to struggle, I'll try not to post too many updates about it b/c they are always the same... if something actually changes I'll be in here like a shot tho.

He hasn't been seeing that much of her yet but yeah, that is presumably going to change and when I remember that I briefly resolve to ask him to move out before it does, because tbh I end up having a meltdown p. much every time he does see her, mostly on my own while he's out but sometimes at him too. But then he comes back and it's like, oh, this isn't so bad, why would I want to get rid of the good times together and have nothing but the bad times when he isn't here and I mope about how he's probably with her and spin my wheels etc?

(Answer: bcz Moving On. I just don't see much to move on to, but I know things can't stay like this forever.)

xposts oh Z, we're sort of in the same place and sort of in the opposite place. good thoughts to you

Oh my, that is a cruel situation to be in. One thing I know I could NOT do is pretend to be GB's 'friend' - I am still in love with him, and if he was seeing someone else I would wind up stabbing him, or her, or myself, because it's all been so frustrating and disappointing and, and. Best case, I'd try to undermine their relationship. So I've said to him up front, there will be no friending.

I don't / won't have anything to move on to either, but you have to make space for it to happen. And if it can't go on forever, what are you (we) gaining from waiting?

Just spinning the thought - I totally understand why you haven't kicked him out yet. You'll do it when you're either strong enough, or desperate enough. I hope the strength comes sooner. Good thoughts to you, too.

struggling is normal, moving on is really hard and nobody shd be down on themselves about that.

i guess i moved to a point where the vacillating is one-sided and only in my head and that uncomplicates things a little bit - i can feel good about not throwing emotional spanners in the working relationship of sharing kids - but i'm still fucked up and getting no better i guess. after 21 months. so i feel for all of you stuck in those never-quite-clean-enough breakups. it's the price of not being a shit.

stay strong peeps :)

re: getting away from relationships that are dreadful, especially in the emotional balance, I can only highly advocate getting out while you can! The godawful relationship I detailed on ilx yeeears ago still jabs me in the ribs occasionally. I can run into her and her husband around town, ignore them, and go on my merry way, and life is great. I ended up in a conversation at the beginning of last week where I heard way too much, though, from a shared friend and it stirred up some emotions I _know_ I've purged.

Mostly dread, a sense of self-failure, and anger that this person is out there making someone else's life complete hell. I think that there was a point in my life that I thought being in a relationship, even a really shitty one, had something good to it. But really, it just poisons your outlook.

um ignore that tangent, dump all assholes, live your lives

hi guys i just had one of those pretty small 'resetting the bone' heartbreaks

sucks

but i'm not despondent or anything

just kinda low

anyway i'll be cool

dump all the assholes, live your lives
is something i can get behind

DUMP ALL OF THE ASSHOLES

and steadfastly refuse to get back with them, no matter how illogically tempting (another necessary reminder to self)