aw u too boo
― The times they are a changing, perhaps (map), Friday, 12 January 2018 23:56 (six years ago) link
Today is 5th wedding anniversary.
My last 3 wedding anniversaries (including today) - two years ago: on my way home from work my wife calls me upset as the cat has gone into a catatonic state with hugely dilated pupils. This lasts for a week - during which we start discussing putting the cat down as he is not eating, sleeping, or drinking fluids - we take the cat to the vet a few times and visit a veterinarian neurologist, none of them have a clue other than it is something neurological. The cat eventually suddenly snaps out of it, never for the conditions to reoccur.
Last year: I have a doctor's appointment as I have been having numbness of the extremities, chest pain and tightness, sweating, tachycardia, trouble breathing etc. I have a panic attack in the doctor's room. Wife has a meeting at work.
This year: wake up in my new place for the first time having separated from my wife yesterday. This is by far the least shitty of the last 3 anniversaries ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
― khat person (jim in vancouver), Thursday, 1 February 2018 21:56 (six years ago) link
<3
― mookieproof, Thursday, 1 February 2018 21:58 (six years ago) link
fight the good fight
― Chocolate-covered gummy bears? Not ruling those lil' guys out. (ulysses), Thursday, 1 February 2018 22:00 (six years ago) link
We are going to hang out tonight and watch riverdale and eat some edibles
― khat person (jim in vancouver), Thursday, 1 February 2018 22:01 (six years ago) link
Ah Jim. Sorry.
― Alderweireld Horses (darraghmac), Thursday, 1 February 2018 22:07 (six years ago) link
I'm doing surprisingly well, and there is very little acrimony :)
― khat person (jim in vancouver), Thursday, 1 February 2018 22:09 (six years ago) link
thanks for the kind words
Realness. Very glad to hear you woke up ok man <3
― Le Bateau Ivre, Thursday, 1 February 2018 22:14 (six years ago) link
<3 glad yr doing ok & that it is not super-acrimonious
― Squeaky Fromage (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 1 February 2018 22:38 (six years ago) link
sorry man, big changes are hard
― mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Thursday, 1 February 2018 22:52 (six years ago) link
How many times are you supposed to feel sure that you've found the person you'll spend the rest of your life with before you do?
― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Tuesday, 27 February 2018 21:44 (six years ago) link
Ah hoos <3
― Simpson L. (darraghmac), Tuesday, 27 February 2018 21:45 (six years ago) link
― Squeaky Fromage (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 27 February 2018 21:47 (six years ago) link
just means you have a big heart hoos <3
― i remember the corned beef of my childhood (Karl Malone), Tuesday, 27 February 2018 21:48 (six years ago) link
It isn't over. We're trying to work through it. But it's been weeks now of dread and tears and hard conversations, and this weekend she told me she'd been afraid to admit that she hasn't had romantic feelings for me for the last few months. And I remember the end of enough relationships to know that's never a good sign. To feel undesired by the person you love more than anything--I feel like a gutted fish.
― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Tuesday, 27 February 2018 21:50 (six years ago) link
i just want to scream and burn everything down
― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Tuesday, 27 February 2018 21:56 (six years ago) link
Do that for a while
Then remember that there's plenty out there need you in another mode than that
― Simpson L. (darraghmac), Tuesday, 27 February 2018 22:23 (six years ago) link
feel sure that you've found the person you'll spend the rest of your life with
this is a thing?
― sleepingbag, Tuesday, 27 February 2018 23:47 (six years ago) link
― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Tuesday, February 27, 2018 1:50 PM (one hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
lots of love to you hoos, from someone who was in that boat v recently and similarly crushed at the time.
― khat person (jim in vancouver), Tuesday, 27 February 2018 23:51 (six years ago) link
sorry and mucho love to you hoos
― It's not delivery, it's Adorno! (upper mississippi sh@kedown), Tuesday, 27 February 2018 23:59 (six years ago) link
Bah, sorry to hear that, man. One thing though:
And I remember the end of enough relationships to know that's never a good sign.
Past relationships are only ever going to cast a shadow over current ones, because, y'know, they're past. They didn't work out - but that doesn't mean that patterns you see in them necessarily point to doom. Have you the option of couples counselling?
― Andrew Farrell, Wednesday, 28 February 2018 00:01 (six years ago) link
always move toward the sun, cast the shadow behind you on the past, imo
― mh, Wednesday, 28 February 2018 00:44 (six years ago) link
i’ve decided to be single forevermore
which means i have to break up with someone i’ve Been seeing for about a month
do i owe them an explanation?
― the late great, Sunday, 1 April 2018 19:53 (six years ago) link
general human decency says yes imobut idk shit about dating rules so maybe my advice is not the best
― Squeaky Fromage (VegemiteGrrl), Sunday, 1 April 2018 20:13 (six years ago) link
general human decency definitely says yes if you mean "should I just ghost them" instead
― just noticed tears shaped like florida. (sic), Sunday, 1 April 2018 21:14 (six years ago) link
it’s only been a month so you owe no more than “not feeling it” imoit’s within the dating trial period before you have any sort of solid commitment, unless you’ve exchanged vows or something
― mh, Sunday, 1 April 2018 21:15 (six years ago) link
yeah ghosting bad, unless it’s a mutual “we forgot to text each other ever again” thing that is mutual
― mh, Sunday, 1 April 2018 21:16 (six years ago) link
oh i don’t intend to ghosti was just wondering if “not feeling it” is a good enough explanation or if i owe them more
― the late great, Sunday, 1 April 2018 22:16 (six years ago) link
not feeling it is cool imo and ime
you could also go slightly more poetic with "my heart's not in it" or Bartleby with "I'd prefer not to go foward/I'm not comfortable going forward"
― niels, Sunday, 1 April 2018 23:14 (six years ago) link
this ended friday btw
― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Monday, 2 April 2018 18:05 (six years ago) link
best of luck and much love to you, Hoos
― mh, Monday, 2 April 2018 18:07 (six years ago) link
aw man... sorry to hear that Hoos.
I wanted to start a topic on how to adjust to being single life, but I guess this thread is good to go.
I'm recently single. I came out of a long relationship about this time last year but barely got time to adjust before I got romantically involved with a colleague and we ended up seeing each other for about 9-10 months before splitting up the other week. I'm still on good terms with both exes. We walk in similar circles and I still see one of them at work every day, which isn't terribly easy but can't be helped.
The tough bit is over. It's been a few weeks since the break-up and my heart's healing. Now for the other tough bit. I've not been alone for 10 years and the prospect of that is in some ways that's liberating, exciting even. At the same time, it's alien. If I surround myself with friendly faces I can take my mind off things.
But last night was tough. My housemate was out and man, I was lonely. I took a walk, thought about popping into a pub or a cafe but felt embarrassed about being alone. I thought about going to the cinema, but I've never been to the cinema on my own. Ended up pretty much forcing myself to watch a film at home by myself. It's not that I wouldn't have done this before when I was in a relationship, but there's a dissonance going on in that I'm now at liberty to do whatever I want, but at the same time it feels a bit fruitless, like a waste of time cos there's no one to really share that experience with.
The other thing is feeling weird in public places. Like if I go out dancing or socialising, I'm in a crowded room and conscious of being a single bloke in my mid-late 30s. Why is that strange? I dunno, but there's a sense of alienation or a feeling like I can't quite relax properly. Like an internal social pressure to act like an interesting person, a non-weirdo, because even though I'm not looking to make a new relationship or even 'hook-up' with anyone at the moment I don't want to be a wallflower. And yeah there's the whole 'missing human intimacy thing' too which is a biggie. Does that make sense?
Ultimately this question isn't about 'getting over a break-up' or 'how to meet someone new'. I'm keen to be single for a while and use it as a time to get my shit together, remember who I am (or discover I should say), learn to be independent, use the time to work on projects I never had time for... But it's easier said than done. Simply deciding what to do on a Sunday afternoon, or what to eat for dinner, or trying to think of things to do on a Friday night that don't involve getting absolutely slaughtered, it's not coming very naturally rn.
― loud horn beeping jazzsplaining arse (dog latin), Tuesday, 3 April 2018 14:29 (six years ago) link
that was a ramble. apologies for the bad writing.
― loud horn beeping jazzsplaining arse (dog latin), Tuesday, 3 April 2018 14:38 (six years ago) link
No, it's fair enough, I get some idea of that from time to time. About a month ago I was in town for something and was about to head home, no interest in a night out (also lol old so more than 2 pints would be a serious decision), I'd already talked to my girlfriend about 'how was your day' and rang my Mum (she's ill so I try to ring regularly), and I was just struck with the desire to have a phone conversation, like would it be weird to just ask on Facebook if anyone wanted to talk? (A: Yes)
― Andrew Farrell, Tuesday, 3 April 2018 14:45 (six years ago) link
that makes perfect sense
I'm currently on the other end of things having seen myself as a single person, primarily. I've dated off and on for the last few years but have had an intentional break from that, which has gone on slightly too long.
I was literally the only person in the movie theater yesterday and it was refreshing. There are some experiences like that where you're only going to talk about it after the fact, and it doesn't matter if you experience them with others. The socializing, like dancing or attending a concert, sometimes does feel really off, even if you wouldn't be able to pick out your friends easily in a mass of people and would be doing your own thing part of the time.
I really need more structured activities outside the house, but I'd say: start a routine. Even if it's heading out to a breakfast spot on the weekend, finding a place where you can get a coffee and chat with the staff, find a place where you can have two beers and chat with regulars on the way home. Uh, and maybe things that don't involve food/drinks/commerce
― mh, Tuesday, 3 April 2018 14:47 (six years ago) link
sorry, that was a xp to DL
would it be weird to just ask on Facebook if anyone wanted to talk
not necessarily! I have friends who have done this, although I haven't, and have ended up talking via text or calling people. even an ilxor or two.
― mh, Tuesday, 3 April 2018 14:49 (six years ago) link
that is to say, friends have asked if anyone wants to talk, and I've obliged. or just struck up a conversation if I see someone's online.
xxxp to Andrew. i had that too. i've got lots of friends/acquaintances in this city but they're all people i met in the last 2 years and many of them i'm not sure about just ringing up and asking if they wanted to do something or just chat or whatever
― loud horn beeping jazzsplaining arse (dog latin), Tuesday, 3 April 2018 14:50 (six years ago) link
The socializing, like dancing or attending a concert, sometimes does feel really off, even if you wouldn't be able to pick out your friends easily in a mass of people and would be doing your own thing part of the time.
this is pretty funny and ironic in that I actually quite like breaking off from ppl I know in a pub/club/bar/gig and going on a little adventure. now suddenly i feel like a weirdo loner creeping around the place
― loud horn beeping jazzsplaining arse (dog latin), Tuesday, 3 April 2018 14:53 (six years ago) link
the trick is to conspicuously strike up a conversation with a small group of people, and then speak to others elsewhere in the club later. then the second group thinks you're with the first group, not a weird loner, and they're more likely to talk to you
― mh, Tuesday, 3 April 2018 14:55 (six years ago) link
another thing i have to admit I did which is totally stupid and not making me feel happy at all is rejoining OKCupid and spending hours a day repetitively doing the Double Take swipe thing despite not even wanting a date and not really being interested in anyone on there. Maybe it's the instant gratification of getting 'likes' (you can't even see who's doing the liking unless you pay for an account), or a general nosiness about who's out there, or a sort of 'not wanting to feel like a lonely lump and living vicariously through other's profiles' or something, but I need to get off that for now, or until I'm genuinely interested and/or desperate to meet someone. In the back of my mind I'm still thinking like someone who needs someone else with them, and needs it now. I guess I have to hypnotise myself to think like a happy single person.
― loud horn beeping jazzsplaining arse (dog latin), Tuesday, 3 April 2018 15:04 (six years ago) link
there's no wrong answer as to what a healthy/happy single person is
sometimes just browsing through sites like that is cathartic, even if you never message anyone
― mh, Tuesday, 3 April 2018 15:07 (six years ago) link
guess so.. being a social media addict doesn't help though, and it's a big waste of time considering
― loud horn beeping jazzsplaining arse (dog latin), Tuesday, 3 April 2018 15:28 (six years ago) link
never been to the cinema on my ownit's great!
eating a 3 meal dinner alone at a good restaurant is also tops, really lets you zen out
I like being alone at concerts too (but I often end up talking to people when I go to concerts alone)
and bars, if it's a good bar you can just zen out standing at the bar having one pint after the other
I do get the awkwardness of clubbing alone, you need someone to dance with
and all those dating apps (I'm using all of them atm) are horrible indeed, such a waste of time
you could go to meetups and stuff, but I don't get the idea you need new friends? maybe would be nice for you to settle a bit more into your own company. but then, I'm an introvert so if you're different maybe it's never going to be as nice for you
― niels, Tuesday, 3 April 2018 17:48 (six years ago) link
"never been to the cinema on my own"
Wow. I know I'm pretty far over on the antisocial end of the scale but the idea of people who need company to exist in even non-social public spaces just boggles my mind.
― Moo Vaughn, Tuesday, 3 April 2018 17:51 (six years ago) link
"people who need company to exist"
can we assume that you didn't mean that to have the level of superiority it's giving off?
― bad left terf nut (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, 3 April 2018 18:06 (six years ago) link
Can I assume the same of your response?
― Moo Vaughn, Tuesday, 3 April 2018 18:13 (six years ago) link
there's no reason to assume goodwill on moo's part
― WilliamC, Tuesday, 3 April 2018 18:14 (six years ago) link
I'll admit to fp'ing right away
― niels, Tuesday, 3 April 2018 18:16 (six years ago) link