XD
― cockles (country matters), Sunday, 16 August 2009 22:57 (fifteen years ago) link
I'm starting to love the Huey Lewis soundtrack to this thread, courtesy of Whiney.
― free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Sunday, 16 August 2009 22:58 (fifteen years ago) link
I Love Too Much Huey Lewis
― who makes the nachos? (braveclub), Monday, 17 August 2009 01:34 (fifteen years ago) link
I'm thinking the connotative difference btwn "penis," "dick," and "cock" is roughly analogous to the difference btwn "breasts," "boobs," and "tits." So that "grab my boobs" sounds about as silly/un-sexy as "put you dick in me." It can be a dick when it's just this generic thing that dudes all have, but when its Wonder Twin powers are activated, it's definitely a cock.
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 11:08 (fifteen years ago) link
but what do you do when the thing goes sproi-oi-oing when you don't want it to?
I think the incidence of this falls off sharply after about age 20. I mean just the random, no-reason-whatsoever stiffy. I guess it still sometimes becomes turgid at inappropriate moments, like if I fall asleep on the train or something, but there's always a reason.
When I was a kid, I used to get a church stiffy. Like, almost every Sunday, iirc. Still don't know what that was all about. Maybe one of the reasons I don't go to church anymore.
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 11:18 (fifteen years ago) link
falls off sharply after about age 20
Getting a hard on because you've just sat down on a bus seat that's still warm because it's just been vacated by someone else = something that only happens to teenagers
― the visible spectrum is rainbows (snoball), Monday, 17 August 2009 11:25 (fifteen years ago) link
Speak for yourself.
Although I don't think the warmth of the seat has anything to do with it, I always thought it was sitting over the motor -> vibrations that did that.
― someone who is ranked fairly highly in an army of poo (Colonel Poo), Monday, 17 August 2009 11:27 (fifteen years ago) link
BTW I love that my girlfriend showed up on this thread. :D
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 11:50 (fifteen years ago) link
option conspicuous by it's absence: "I wish my dick was harder"
Well, that varies, doesn't it? I am told that the really formidable 8"-and-above dicks don't get as hard or have the vertical lift, simply because the body isn't willing to spare all the blood required to fill it to capacity. I wouldn't know. It doesn't sound like extra fun for anybody, though.
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 12:06 (fifteen years ago) link
If you think about it, a dick so big that it never gets completely hard because your body disagrees with its demands is kinda... broken.
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 12:09 (fifteen years ago) link
Two things I have found that help ensure maximum hardness: 1) Be fully hydrated. Not having enough water in your body is what "whiskey dick" is all about. (That, and maybe you have found yourself in a weird, alcohol-dependent situation with someone you don't even want to be fucking.) Sometimes I get a bit of whiskey dick without the whiskey. Just sweating a lot and not drinking enough water will do it. I really hate summer. 2) Keep your heart and circulatory system in top shape. This is one of the many reasons I need to quit smoking. But even with the smoking, I always stay harder, last longer, and have a generally better time when I've been eating well, sleeping regularly, and exercising. It sounds obvious, but I'm always surprised.
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 12:28 (fifteen years ago) link
kenan otm on this thread mostly, except for the church hardon bit, dunno what that's about
would have voted for 'i wish my dick were more of a shower'
― thomp, Monday, 17 August 2009 12:37 (fifteen years ago) link
except for the church hardon bit, dunno what that's about
I was thinking about Jesus being inside me.
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 12:46 (fifteen years ago) link
that would be great if you were still hanging out in boys locker rooms or were perhaps a talented and handsomely paid underwear model, but what would be the point otherwise? xp
― a being that goes on two legs and is ungrateful (dyao), Monday, 17 August 2009 14:33 (fifteen years ago) link
church hardonThe Mary Whitehouse Experience - "The Library Experience" (0:50 onwards)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrlFDhVn_PY
― the visible spectrum is rainbows (snoball), Monday, 17 August 2009 15:01 (fifteen years ago) link
I always thought it was sitting over the motor -> vibrations that did that.
Actually I was just on a bus about ten minutes ago, and although I sat in one of the seats just behind the back wheel - theoretically the seats with the maximum vibration - absolutely nada. Except a vaguely numb sensation after about half an hour. Cue David Gilmour solo. So my informal study indicates that YMMV...If I was a scientist I would be getting a government grant to study this phenomenon.
― the visible spectrum is rainbows (snoball), Monday, 17 August 2009 15:04 (fifteen years ago) link
kenan "dick-shaped" isn't very specific imo -- are we talking bulbous mushrooms or wide bloated hoagies or narrow-headed torpedoes etc
― there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Monday, 17 August 2009 15:09 (fifteen years ago) link
Clearly I am straight. The only real reference point I have for other men's dicks is in porn. Those look mostly like mine, except FREAKIN' HUGE. I refuse to compare sizes with those guys. That would be like worrying about your height when the only other men you have ever seen were while watching pro basketball.
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 17:39 (fifteen years ago) link
dicks come in a wide range of shapes, sizes, and colors, it's true
― there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Monday, 17 August 2009 17:51 (fifteen years ago) link
I've seen a variety of dick shapes in porno, including some wide-wide-o thing that looked like 3 cocks in one sheath with this teeny tiny silly gumdrop for a glans. Somehow my mind thought, "Ah, that must be what Greek men('s penises) look like." I don't even remember the guy attached to the damn thing.
I think this is the classic thing where your sexual behavior (or organs) are 'normal' and everyone else is the exception (barring phimosis, Gonzo-nose cock, two-incher or something else that's a pretty clear outlier). I got this when I first watched/saw porn: "Whoa, all these ladies' pussies are TOTALLY WEIRD." weird meaning abnormal meaning not like mine.
Like even 'dick-shaped dicks,' and I think I have the same idea as Kenan on what this means, can look v different from one another: veiny or smooth, lots of pubes at the base or very few, red or purpley or pale glans, different shaft colors – and I'm just talking abt circumsized white dudes here. Let's all ponder kenan's penis.
― cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 17:51 (fifteen years ago) link
ha elmo you did the cliff's notes of my post
― cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 17:52 (fifteen years ago) link
kenan's penis, I think, is the most normal thing about him.
― cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 17:53 (fifteen years ago) link
I think the trouble comes from my penis being the only one I ponder at all. So yeah, like you said.
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 17:56 (fifteen years ago) link
I assume that dicks shaped literally like a toadstool are outliers, and discount them. Likewise with many of the shapes and colors that Abbot lists. Point well taken.
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 17:58 (fifteen years ago) link
snoball, I have no reference whatsofuckingever for that clip. Libraries? Really? Is this a British thing?
(Insert "microfiche" joke here.)
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:04 (fifteen years ago) link
"Ah, that must be what Greek men('s penises) look like."
Like the statue of David, you mean? That's just uncircumcised, so it wouldn't be that shape anymore at full mast. (I imagine that many uncircumcised men have gone through an early trauma when an insensitive and inexperienced partner, never having seen an uncut one before, said all too frankly, "Your dick looks weird.") Also the Greeks valued small penises, and thought that a large penis was a sign of being animalistic, primal, too close to a state of nature, what have you. So the Greek statue penis is exaggerated in its smallness.
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:13 (fifteen years ago) link
the gonzo-nose shaped dicks abbott mentions are all kinds of scary. only seen on screen, myself, but i have true sympathy for any horribly bent pecker. they must require very specific positions in order to provide mutual pleasure.
― there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:17 (fifteen years ago) link
I'm going to resist my temptation to link to weird penis disorders.
― cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:20 (fifteen years ago) link
I'll also take requests, though!
― cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:22 (fifteen years ago) link
no, post links! if any thread deserved such, it's this
― there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:22 (fifteen years ago) link
(xxxxxpost) I guess it's a particular kind of British sexual guilt/oppression/frustration. Not one that I share myself though.
― the visible spectrum is rainbows (snoball), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:23 (fifteen years ago) link
(that was an xpost to kenan, BTW)
(I tried to come up with a "card index" gag, but failed miserably)
that would be great if you were still hanging out in boys locker rooms or were perhaps a talented and handsomely paid underwear model, but what would be the point otherwise?
Another straight guy heard from. :)
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:23 (fifteen years ago) link
An image of different degrees of the unfortunate 'lol where's my urethra' condition hypospadias
― cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:27 (fifteen years ago) link
it can be very, uh, beneficial to once confidence to be seen "pushing a basket" imo
that's why jesus invented cockrings iirc
― there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:27 (fifteen years ago) link
once = one's
― there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:29 (fifteen years ago) link
My skinny-dude physical ideal: http://www.yuppiepunk.org/images/X-iggypop.jpg
See, that's a show-er.
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:31 (fifteen years ago) link
hypospadias oh nooooooo :((((
― there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:31 (fifteen years ago) link
xp He's a great showman, many have said so.
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:32 (fifteen years ago) link
Gonzo-nose dick facing heavenward is Peyronie's disease. According to Wikipedia: Peyronie's Disease is also formally known as "penile induration" or "Induratio Penis Plastica (IPP)" and colloquially as "bent nail syndrome".
South-bound Gonzo-nose goes by the very cute name of chordee.
― cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:34 (fifteen years ago) link
A photo of a surgery Cronenberg himself could not imagine
― cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:35 (fifteen years ago) link
NB IT'S TERRIFYING
imo this picture of a penis with phimosis is kind of dear in comparison
― cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:38 (fifteen years ago) link
I had a cousin who had surgery for phimosis when he was about 10 (though not as severe as Abbot posted, and I know because our parents used to put us in the bath together when we were young, and I remember his dick looking weird). All the other 10-yr-old boys were very, VERY concerned about it, worrying that it might happen to them, too. In retrospect, he was amazingly calm and cool at explaining it to us. Like he had rehearsed.
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:45 (fifteen years ago) link
BTW: take Abbot's Cronenberg warning v seriously.
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:46 (fifteen years ago) link
one of my first boyfriends had phimosis! he functioned just fine but i think it could be pretty painful for him
― there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:56 (fifteen years ago) link
bahaha kenan I bet most of you were circumsized anyway!
― cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:01 (fifteen years ago) link
Of course we were! Most all boy babies were circumcised then. His parents were trailblazers, it seems. Only with exactly the baby that least benefited.
― or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:06 (fifteen years ago) link
So you were all terrified of being able to not retract you non-existent foreskins?
― cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:08 (fifteen years ago) link